u/MouseyAngel

In a recent post I mentioned I was struggling with my religion (born & raised catholic), which I don't particularly care for, but my family expect me to participate in.

Today I finally sat down & spoke with my mom & told her I was having issues with the church & need a break from it for a while. She was understanding about it, saying she knows of some other people with similar problems. We said that if I eventually return to it that be nice but honestly IDK if I will.

Anyway part of why I broke today was that it's the sunday after Independance Day here in the US, & as a rural religious red state I know the religion crowd is going to be insufferable today & I just can't deal with that.

I have a lot on my mind so this is going to be essentially 3 posts in 1 lol

1. Struggling religiously. I was born & raised catholic but I can't take it anymore. I'm not super religious anymore, but I live with my parents who, while progressive & supportive of me being trans, still think I'm catholic & expect me to join them for church on sundays. But I can't stand it. I can't IDK what to do.

2. I'm tired of being a freak. I feel like some sort of lab rat that people keep poking at. People see me, they think I don't notice, but they see me with a look in their eyes that tells me of a concern that I'm suddenly going to snap or something. I hate it & feel disgusting, like a I'm a werewolf or something.

3. There are two other trans women I know of who are about the same age as me but I can't help but feel immensely envious of them, which makes me feel awful. They are both far prettier, more feminine, & more successful than I. One of them was out as trans before finishing high school, & she had the opportunity to go to prom which she passed on, a decision I respect and don't disagree with, but I can't help but feel incredibly jealous because I never had, or will have for the foreseeable future, an opportunity like that. I'll never even get to properly graduate high school anymore, what with me having dropped out & now being an adult. Fufk I wish I was normal. I wisb I was better

I'm disgusting

I've always been not great; my reaction time is my biggest issue, but I genuinely do just have a skill issue.

I was thinking about it cuz the new Castlevania game looks so cool, but it also looks a lot like Hollow Knight gameplay wise, a game whose art style and worldbuilding I love, but I never finished because I suck. E.G it took me like a week to beat the first boss.

There's a similar game, Rusted Moss (highly recommend) that I was only able to 100% because of it's difficulty customization; I was able to slow the game down when I needed more time, I could give myself health regen for the tougher fights, etc.

The biggest "difficult" game I finished was Halo Reach on Legendary, and that game is linear & I had 9+ years of warming up.

Idk, I'm just feeling sad cuz I'm pretty interested about the Castlevania game but I probably won't be able to play it.

idek if it was intentional, if he knows it was one or not, but honestly I don't think I can trust him anymore

I don't know I'm probably wrong he probably didn't mean it. I'm a burden anyway

god why couldn't I just be normal

I just want to be normal please that's all I'm asking

I just want to spend time with normal people normally without being a weird freak

I don't know I just I can't I can't I can't take it WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL AND NOT A MENTALLY SICK WEIRDO WITH GENDER DYSPHORIA