u/MoveMeWithASound

He SCREAMED in my face that he wanted a divorce. He accused me of cheating, insisting I fess up to it for months and making life hell. Then it turned into accusations that I've been abusing him for years, called me a narcissist, turned my stepdaughter fully against me. It culminated in him attacking me and hitting our dog, for which I got a protection order. I fought as hard as I possibly could for 6 months to get him to see reason, to get back on meds, to come down to reality, and ultimately I had to let go. And now that I've officially given him what he asked for by filling for divorce, he's "confused". He's bringing up past partners of not only me but my sisters for some reason? And comparing how bad they were, insisting he never did anything as bad as any of them yet he's been cast out by my family (which, duh, those partners were too, hence why they are exes). And I don't even know what my sisters' exes have to do with anything as he wasn't even around when they were in previous relationships.

I had to include the protection order in the divorce filing. They specifically ask if there have been any cases in the last 5 years, and he needed to see the paperwork again to see where the judge wrote that she found a case for domestic violence, like he still can't believe it. And not in an "I don't remember" kind of way but full-blown denial.

It's like he was playing a game of chicken for a year and now that it's in writing, he's lost as to what happened, but not even in an introspective way but genuinely disbelief that he's sick and I would do this to him when he did nothing wrong and it's all my fault.

He's being weird about photos I'm taking off the walls. I told him I took down the ones of just me and our daughter figuring he wouldn't hang up pictures of me in his new home. He said he hasn't deleted any from his phone. And I just don't know what to make of this. He's still cycling. His moods are a gamble on almost an hourly basis. Still unmedicated, but not fully manic anymore, but he hasn't reached a point of seeing reason or even acknowledging the damage he did, and I don't think he ever will. It's still all my fault to him, but he wants to get sentimental, sappy, and sad NOW? A full year after everything he did to blow up our family? I don't get it. And while I'm not turning back now, it hurts so much because it's a glimpse of the person he used to be. And I'm tempted to console the person who did this to us.

This illness is so f*cking cruel.

He SCREAMED in my face that he wanted a divorce. He accused me of cheating, insisting I fess up to it for months and making life hell. Then it turned into accusations that I've been abusing him for years, called me a narcissist, turned my stepdaughter fully against me. It culminated in him attacking me and hitting our dog, for which I got a protection order. I fought as hard as I possibly could for 6 months to get him to see reason, to get back on meds, to come down to reality, and ultimately I had to let go. And now that I've officially given him what he asked for by filling for divorce, he's "confused". He's bringing up past partners of not only me but my sisters for some reason? And comparing how bad they were, insisting he never did anything as bad as any of them yet he's been cast out by my family (which, duh, those partners were too, hence why they are exes). And I don't even know what my sisters' exes have to do with anything as he wasn't even around when they were in previous relationships.

I had to include the protection order in the divorce filing. They specifically ask if there have been any cases in the last 5 years, and he needed to see the paperwork again to see where the judge wrote that she found a case for domestic violence, like he still can't believe it. And not in an "I don't remember" kind of way but full-blown denial.

It's like he was playing a game of chicken for a year and now that it's in writing, he's lost as to what happened, but not even in an introspective way but genuinely disbelief that he's sick and I would do this to him when he did nothing wrong and it's all my fault.

He's being weird about photos I'm taking off the walls. I told him I took down the ones of just me and our daughter figuring he wouldn't hang up pictures of me in his new home. He said he hasn't deleted any from his phone. And I just don't know what to make of this. He's still cycling. His moods are a gamble on almost an hourly basis. Still unmedicated, but not fully manic anymore, but he hasn't reached a point of seeing reason or even acknowledging the damage he did, and I don't think he ever will. It's still all my fault to him, but he wants to get sentimental, sappy, and sad NOW? A full year after everything he did to blow up our family? I don't get it. And while I'm not turning back now, it hurts so much because it's a glimpse of the person he used to be. And I'm tempted to console the person who did this to us.

This illness is so f*cking cruel.

Do you ever feel weirdly grateful for this illness? Don't get me wrong; the reverse discard and subsequent character assassination, lack of accountability, denial, and blame shifting was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I'm 9 months out, still in the thick of divorce, selling the house, establishing custody of our daughter, etc. and every bit of it has been hell on earth, but it took the mania/psychotic break and subsequent violence to open my eyes to what a terrible partner he was the entire 14 years, not just the months leading up to the incident. I had rose tinted glasses for way too long but with time and separation, something will pop into my memory every single day that's clear now was not acceptable from a partner in life. Whether it was pressure for sex, shaming me for anything and everything that he felt was a letdown, never ever planning dates, never contributing to the emotional labor of the household, weaponized incompetence, etc. In a weird way, his explosion was a clear cut reason to get the hell away from him and without it, I may have suffered in silence through a toxic relationship for much longer - maybe even the rest of my life. That's a worse fate, I'm realizing.