u/Mrrykrizmith

I just want to fucking die. Every day when I'm driving to work at 5am, I think about how fucking pointless my life, wishing something would happen to me: car crash, cancer, random attack, etc.

I don't think I have what it takes to actually kill myself and I feel fucking trapped. But I want to. I want to so goddamn badly. The other day I was watching Breaking Bad and the scene where Gail gets shot made me think "I fucking wish that could happen to me" or I see some news story about how this "25 year old was killed..." all I think is "fucking lucky"

Didn't have a single, committed, fulfilling relationship at all from 19 - now (30). Had random, meaningless flings once in a blue moon throughout my twenties, usually a year apart. from 2020 - 2024 I didn't have one single instance of physical intimacy. Haven't had sex, a cuddle, kiss, etc. since November of 2024.

Plus Im just a goddamn store manager in Silicon Valley/SF bay area @ like 90k (gross) per year. The women in this area aren't going to waste their time on me when every other man in this area is probably killing it. I've gone on the apps (Bumble, Hinge, etc.) and get a lot of matches, but all these ladies are attorneys, programmers, engineers, etc. To think that I even stand a chance at finding love here is laughable. Plus I currently live at home with my parents (saving up/paying down debts to move out hopefully early next year).

Tried therapy, psychiatry/psychiatric medications, meditation, exercise, quit drinking (almost 3 years), don't really smoke weed anymore, get OK sleep. Still can't put myself out there. Well, more accurately, Im just so fucking depressed that I don't do anything aside from just lay in bed alllllllll fucking day.

There's too much to the story of how I/depression completely ruined my life, I can't fit it all into a post on reddit.

But dude, I haven't felt truly happy in years. Nothing interests me anymore. I've tried every piece of advice Im sure all of you are about to say and nothing changes.

Life isn't worth living when you're like me. I have no friends, havent been with a woman in almost 2 years, live in one of the most expensive places in the fuckin country. I know I should move away from this area, but I just accepted this new position and if I do well and exceed here, then the potential for the future is very good.

It just feels like I'm running out of time to find love. that's all I really want: just a good person to spend my weekends with; someone to be sweet to; someone that excites me and makes me feel alive. But I just feel like its never going to happen for me. And it feels like the older I get, the less exciting, meaningful, and passionate it'll be.

I just want to fucking die so goddamn bad. I dont want to be here anymore and havent for a long time and theres no point in continuing when life is just so bleak, boring, and uninteresting.

Idk why tf im writing this here. I know nobody will read this far; I know noone can say anything that'll just change the game for me. I know noones coming to save me.

It just hurts so bad to see everybody else on the fucking planet enjoy all the most beautiful aspects of life. Everyone around me has at least one of the "big 3": a partner, social circle, or a decent job. Most people have 2 of 3, and looooots of people (especially in my area) have all fucking 3.

I dont want to live, i dont want to live, i dont want to live, i dont want to live. Please fucking somebody just come through and fucking kill me.

So I recently got a promotion and decent (for me) raise (from 63k to 90k/year in CA), and will probably move out in the very near future. Recently payed down my entire CC debt, and now all I've got left are school loans and a car payment. Car payment is currently $300/month (with 8k left or 7k if I pay it all at once; 8.84% APR), and school is $200/month with $35k left (loans vary between 4 - 5% APR).

I really don't have a lot of savings right now; after some unforseen expenses and totally paying off my credit cards, I only have 3k. But I was kind of considering dumping all of it into my car payment then using the next few months to agressively pay it all off so I can move out without having to worry about it plus the $200 towards school every month.

But I also dont want to start rebuilding my savings from $0.

I need to move out ASAP. I've been living with my parents since COVID. They're great and very supportive, but I'm 30yo and its fuckin embarassing. I really wish it wasn't, but it is.

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

I (30m) really think I’m gonna kill myself any day now.

I need to preface this with the efforts I have made:
- gone to a bunch of therapists on/off since I was 13
- psychiatrists and psychiatric medication
- haven’t drank alcohol since Dec 29, 2023
- sort of kinda quit smoking weed. Honestly can’t remember the last time I partook.
- lost ~40 pounds and exercise regularly (got back from a trip in like ‘22 and weighed 210, got down to 165, and now typically hover between 165-175)
- meditation
- had hobbies and stuff but I genuinely don’t care about anything anymore so I don’t engage with them.
- mushrooms/microdosing

But nothing sticks. My twenties were fucking miserable. Constantly depressed and lonely as fuck. Was always told “just be patient, things will turn up” but nothing ever has. Haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 19. Had casual partners between then and now, but nothing lasting/meaningful/solid/consistent. As of now, I haven’t been kissed, touched, fucked, or cuddled in almost 2 years after an on/off year long “situationship” and before that I went 4 years without any of that shit. And the girl I was in a situationship was someone I barely liked. She had a garbage personality, and I was just barely physically attracted to her.

I’m an assistant manager in a retail setting. I’m probably going to be made manager in the next month or two, but the employees here drive me fuckin crazy. I’ve been with the same company for 11 years now. I never ever wanted to be a manager here; I always thought that I’d find something better after I graduated. But I got a useless fuckin degree in communications; didn’t do any internships, made zero friends/connections in school, and have basically no prospects. And I lack the energy to go back and do something more interesting/fulfilling. Make matters worse: there’s literally nothing that even seems interesting to me. I’m miserable in my current spot but feel absolutely fuckin stuck. Really wanted to make a living with music, but now I realized that was always a pipe dream. I never ever made any genuine attempts to like put myself out there.

I live with my parents. In literally the most expensive part of the U.S. (Silicon Valley/SF Bay Area). So the odds of me actually getting a girlfriend are pretty much 0. I’m not unlovable/ugly/whatever; aside from being hella depressed, I have a great personality/other good characteristics. But I’m on the apps like bumble and hinge, and all these women have jobs like attorneys, engineers, etc. am I really supposed to convince myself that they’d be interested in dedicating their romantic energy to a 30yo assistant manager/manager who lives with his fuckin parents? Like, come on. I want to move up north to where it’s way more affordable, but I’m in such a bad place mentally that idk if it’s such a good idea. I lived on my own from 2018-2020, then covid started and my drinking got really bad, my already horrible mental health got even worse, and my parents suggested I move back. I’ve been here ever since. Good news is I get to save a lot of money. I still pay rent, but it’s nowhere near what it’d be if I got a place around here.

Have absolutely nobody to talk to/hang out with. Sunday I woke up at like 9, and literally laid in bed the entire fuckin day just on Reddit/youtube. This is a pretty common weekend for me. Well, I usually go to the gym/on a run on Sundays, but this one I just “felt like” vegging out. I’ve tried pushing myself to go to meetup groups and stuff but I always flake out.

Idk man. I just don’t see things ever turning around for me. Like no matter how good things get, I’ll always be carrying around the last decade of my life. I just don’t see how life can ever get so good that it just removes all this pain I’ve accumulated. I don’t think there could ever be a type of love that would make me forget alllll this shit and be happy I stuck around. I had hope/a good attitude for like 90% of my twenties but I’m just fuckin done. I have a noose tied and a note written out, it’s just a matter of gathering the courage. Thinking about buying a shotgun.

Doubt anyone will read this far.

EDIT: forgot to add that I’ve also tried psychedelics to help

I (30m) haven't had a girlfriend since I was 19. I've had casual hookups and a couple fwb's in that time, but no solid romantic relationship at all in my twenties. It's been almost two years since I've been kissed, cuddled, and had sex. But I want to fall in love more than anything else in the world.

I recently downloaded hinge and bumble, I've been getting a decent amount of matches and stuff, but I'm pretty worried about a couple things: my job and living situation.

Right now, I live at home. I live in a very high cost of living part of the country. SF bay area; San Jose, specifically. At the moment, I'm an assistant manager in a "specialized" retail setting selling construction materials (not Home Depot/Lowe's; it's more specific than that). I'm going to become a manager within the next couple months and get a pretty significant (for me) bump in pay. Anywhere else in the country this pay would probably be fine enough to rent an apartment. But even tiny little studios around here are 2k+.

And all the women on these apps have jobs like enigneers, lawyers, data anylitics. And I feel like none of them in their right mind would waste their time on a 30yo retail manager that lives with his fuckin parents when there's thousands of dudes around here that have their own 3k/month apartment and a fuckin awesome job.

I'm a relatively attractive guy (like a solid 7), pretty funny, kind, compassionate, good listener. I have tons of good qualities, but I feel like they're overshadowed by the fact that I have such a lacklustre job and I live with my parents. And the longer I spend here (in these general circumstances) the more it erodes all my great qualities.

I've lived on my own for a few years until COVID came along and absolutely fuckin destroyed my already abysmal mental health. I've been saving a lot of money, but I still pay rent and I help out around the house.

Dude I just want someone special to go camping/backpacking with; I want someone to cuddle with, do sweet things for, hold hands, try new resturaunts, lay in the grass at the park.

It's gotten to the point where I can hardly even stomach scenes in TV/movies where the people are in love and super into each other. It even kind of hurts to read comments with someone gushing about how much they love their girlfriend/boyfriend. Cant even watch porn; jerking off is just no fun (just like that Green Day song). It just fucking feels like it's never going to happen for me and it really really hurts my heart. Words fail to describe just how awful this feeling is for me.

I just dont know what to do dude. Like should I even try to find someone? I'd settle for someone to have sex with. Idk man.

Also sorry this is kind of all over the place.