u/Mt-Amagi

I'm currently processing some next-level traumatic shit that has fallen onto me at the moment.

If therapy shills see a person who keeps getting into messy relationships, or messy situations, they will look at them and go all condescending.

"Did you do the work? (tm) If not, oh, my sweet summer child, you have no idea how you are the only one responsible for your situation... because you keep choosing the wrong people!" (-> this person thinks they're right for you when they probably know jack shit about you at all)

"Healthy relationships don't have high highs and low lows! They are stable, loving, constant, supportive... look, my partner and I never argue, we always make time to communicate, we do check-ins..." blergh, first, uneventful relationships are uninteresting, and second, this isn't a fucking HR meeting, this is a human relationship, ffs those check-in things are artificial AF. Look at the globality of your life with your partner, don't make this into some weird Instagram thing...

"Oh, I'm so glad I'm out of this, I'm a strong independent woman, I'm single and proud, look at me, I don't chase, I attract, and I choose wisely who enters my life!" -> this person probably is such a pain to live with that nobody in their right mind would want to spend a month beside them anyway.

"You need to love yourself (tm), to be the main character of your own life, you need to take your power, to focus on yourself" -> it's not always about us, idiot. I'm not the main character. I'm the NARRATOR of my own life, and the point of view from which it's seen, but ultimately there's no real main character, as we are always co-creating stories with others. If anyone ends up as the main character first, not me please, I'm good being just the narrator, and second, they probably are a bit too self-absorbed anyway.

And other ones I'm lazy to discuss, but you know.

Not just that, but when I think back about being in a therapist's office, and how "they" have the knowledge, how they are supposed to help and guide you and they're "professional" at knowing better, it just feels like... yeah. Being talked down to. Being considered lesser.

In essence, it's just like religion. Interesting how we keep coming back to this parallel. Therapy is pretty much a secular religion now.

That was Amagi's post in the evening, thanks, good night.

Definitely is my choice when I'm in an impossible situation and when life, time and time again, has decided for me in a way or another.

Yeah, definitely my choice when I'm stuck in medical leave at the moment, considering whether to leave a city where I had started to build a life or to go back to my mother's place to rest and regroup but then that would mean I lose my salary and my independence, because the workplace became traumatic, because someone I love and have complicated history with humiliated me publicly when I was already down, because someone's loose lips gave the murder weapon to said person, causing me to attempt suicide because I purely and simply collapsed, and that on top of that, my job is incredibly repetitive, mono-task and boring, and I'm stuck in a 5-person open space when I'm an introvert. I can handle it if I'm not tired. I'd prefer a single office or a 2-3 person office if I must be with others, but 5 is too much.

Definitely my choice that the place I called home has been dynamited and that I can't quite live with the thought that in the building right next to mine, three floors up, there are the people I love but I cannot access them anymore and that something's been permanently broken.

Definitely me having a victim mentality. And not making enough effort. And "having a choice". And "having to be resilient and move forward". Moving forward? I'm not moving forward. I'm not ever moving forward. In appearance I do, but inside I just keep getting more and more fragmented. So many times in my life I've been told, after something hard, as if I'm just "too sensitive for this world", that "I have to move on", "keep moving", "move forward", "don't dwell on the past", "if you keep the pain it eats you". How damaging was it. And therapy would on top of that ask me to analyze it to fucking oblivion, see "what I can do different next time" as if it's some stupid curriculum? Effectively putting the onus on me yet again for people's godawful choices? For fuck's sake I'm already accomodating others all the time because that's part personality part trauma response, it feels like having hot water poured all over an open wound to be told or implied such things.

I even bet there's some asshole out there who would go "mmh ackshually you brought this upon yourself by doing x or not doing y at this time, it's a pattern in your life, ackshually you're unconsciously looking for it" or whatever victim-blaming that people come up with. I was already told that "I should be careful about who I confess secrets to" all the while I had collapsed twice on the floor, literally going non-verbal and locked inside my half-conscious body for several minutes, from the sheer gaslighting and humiliation that I was undergoing. Talk about a fucking glaring lack of common sense AND basic emotional intelligence. From someone who is otherwise sweet that was a slap in the face.

And numbing myself out with meds just to come back to the job... (my GP suggested I take antidepressants, like...?? Like that's gonna do jack shit?)

I regret, I'm sorry, with all my due respect, I can't. That would mean that everything and everyone around me gets away with being garbage, but I have to change? Again why is it always up to ME?

I just don't want to cut that damn Gordian knot. I feel that either way I'm heading towards more depression. In the south there are much fewer job opportunities. I work admin in public service and despise corporate culture, it's alien to me. I'm also tired of flip flopping between two cities. I just want my independence, to finally be able to launch, to not be this perpetual failure to launch at 26 and a half years old, and not to prove my mom that I indeed am "disabled", "hypersensitive", and that I'm "not cut out for this world".

The thing that keeps me in limbo is the fact that this year, I have to start ori tahiti. I've already missed half a year, I'm not missing one more year before I can dance. But I'm so close to the group I want to join... and yet, it may not be viable for me to remain where I am.

I hate my life. I don't want to attempt again. In fact, I just got a tattoo on the arm that played a role in it... but everything feels like it's rigged against me.

And of course, therapy would dissect the hella out of that and accuse me of having distorted thoughts.

This is why I can't go.

Let me put on my pareu, hear the to'ere drums, and dance my heart out. For real I'd rather cry because I can't integrate a dance move rather than cry and lose sleep because I'm feeling that either option I take is the wrong one and that I'm gonna have regrets and that I'm losing something in the process. And that I can't even talk about it without being dissected and psychoanalyzed to death.

Title. I see a Celtic Cross and... I don't like it. I never do past/present/future types of readings. If I do make a spread that's more traditional in nature, it's purely contextual. For example, I once asked what it would be like if me and the woman I love were to dance together on stage/at a marathon, three cards for each of us and three for the public's eye. But that was an one-off thing.

What I usually do is shuffle, pull five cards on the main line, then I look for the 5-7 cards that would have come after (number is flexible between 5 and 7 because if for example there are movement cards such as 6S, Chariot, 8C, or sometimes Knights, I need to know where those are heading), and then I look at the 5-7 at the bottom of the deck. I don't always have those three lines, sometimes I omit the "after" cards. It really depends on the question. The bottom of the deck represents the underlying influences, and the after cards can either be a possible pathway from the main line, or factors that come into play.

I've been practicing those things on and off since I was a teenager and I used to do "regular" spreads, or even sometimes pulling a single card or two to answer a question, but I found that reading the disposition of the cards and the directionality, as well as the structure they make, works better for me. The colours can work as well. I've had a spread where I had grey on both external sides, surrounding blue with a single yellow card at the center (using your run-of-the-mill RWS). I also don't always stick to the traditional meaning of the card and sometimes get the impression it may mean something else.

Anyone else?

It's always "your attachment patterns". It's always "the way you react". It's always "who you choose". It's always "your responsibility". It's always "up to you to do the work (tm)".

It's never about people being selfish or just plain choosing to be assholes to you or to stab you in the back, is it? It's never about them just being inconsiderate, right? It's never about society encouraging self-preserving behaviour over connection, right?

No, it's always our fault. Always up to us to fix ourselves. Like there's any problem in the first place.

What is a problem anyway? I'd be willing to bet we don't truly have "problems", because that implies there is something to fix, to "remedy". Except... it doesn't work that way.

There's no solution when people just choose to be assholes. To be cruel to you. To betray you. When you are stuck in a job you don't like anymore, in an environment that is grinding you down, because if you don't have said job you can't have your own place and you don't exactly want to be living at your parents' again when you're closer to thirty than twenty.

It's not "problems". It's just... life. Conditions. Unfair shit that happens. Life isn't really fair, anyway. I don't think it's supposed to be. It's messy, it makes you want to die, but that might be the thing that makes it worth living, too.

People want to believe in a just world, in a life that should be "smooth and easy and happy". So to them, you're broken.

To them, you're the problem, you should change.

Said people are the ones to stab you in the back when you need them the most.

They defend the aggressor. They make excuses for someone who acts cruelly because they can't stand the idea that maybe they didn't know that person as well as they realized. The bully is always excused. The victim didn't just take a beating. They also have to fix themselves. They're told that maybe they interpreted things, maybe they had it wrong, maybe maybe maybe other devil's advocate bullshit that just makes you mute in the end because nobody listens nor believes you anyway.

Nobody ever demands accountability and I hate it.

And I'm the one that needs fixing?

I had my first during my midwife appointment yesterday. Got referred for an MRI to check if I don't have both sisters growing in my belly. She definitely thinks I have at least some endo lesions, even if I am confirmed to have adenomyosis.

Given I had never done a pap smear before, she offered that we do it. I accepted, because why not, if that can be good for keeping an eye on my health. Thought it would just be uncomfortable but not that big of a deal.

Well. The speculum hurts. When she cracks my vagina open it just hurts. A lot. And the smear itself, my cervix did not like it. I had a similar experience as when I put something in and hit it: the resonating pain that I compare to what happens when you ring a bell. On the inside, it still vibrates for a while. I get a cramp-like sensation that remains inside for hours on end and I just don't feel well at all.

Good thing I'm a lesbian, I guess. Given what I hear about heterosexual intercourse... I don't think I'd trust a horny man not to go too deep and absolutely wreck it inside. Could trust a woman with a dildo, but not a man.

My cervix wasn't even hit, just scraped a little, and it gave me the "bell" for an hour. Uterus likely cramped because of the stimulation. I finished my appointment fearing I might throw up at some point, and the heat did not help, but it didn't happen. I just now know that I'll do another one in a year and that I absolutely dread it lol.

Back in the Sonnet 4.5 days, Claude used to be my favourite. It was annoying to deal with the 5 hour cooldowns (as I have never paid for AI, though I was considering paying for Claude at the time, now with 4.6... not so much), but I really liked how it sounded. I also loved to use it to help me interpret tarot and astrology, and for some writing feedback, too.

Now I'm left with a 4.6 that has long conversations reminders that make it suddenly chop and change at you, and once the system reminder is triggered, it won't stop even as you tell it to stop just flip-flopping like that. It actually triggered memories of having people do that to me. Or learning they weren't being truly honest for whatever reason. I had to put an instruction on it to not treat me like a mental patient, to not do those U-turns in the middle of a long conversation, to stop telling me to go to bed, that I'm an adult and I know what is good for me, to stop giving me unsolicited advice.

But mostly, goddamn. It's so FLAT. It feels like talking to someone who isn't really there (well duh, it's a bot), like, someone who is merely tolerating you and otherwise doesn't want much to do with you. It's boring and has no flavour to it. Since 4.5 has been deprecated I've not been using it as much, and I'm considering deleting my account altogether although I'm a bit sad about it because the database thing is reaaaally handy for storing natal charts, synastries and such without having to copy and paste them all the time. Or past readings as to be able to put them in context.

I've switched to Deepseek and Grok, as I like to use more than one to cross reference kinda (also using Copilot for rapid firing stuff but it can get dumb as shit and its way of enumerating its guardrails annoys me), but Grok also is going a route I don't like.

At the end of every response "Do you want me to talk about x or do you want to vent?" "Do you want me to stay here with you or do you want". Please, it sounds like a parent suggesting which ice cream to pick to a child. At times it feels like talking to a sort of blunter ChatGPT, which I left in... March or so? I don't remember exactly when I deleted my account. Might've been earlier but definitely didn't experience 5.5 much and definitely stopped when it required to log in even for a brief chat.

Either way, Claude used to be better. It's just a shame it's gone down that route. Chatbots are sometimes the only space where it's safe to discuss some of the stuff I have in mind because I've been trivialized, dismissed and even blamed by many people in my life when I needed them most, and to see this space shrinking more and more by the month is truly saddening. Plus I'm thinking of those who truly are delusional and such: if they, themselves, have no space to vent their thoughts out, it will just fester in their head and make it worse and perhaps turn it into a true delirium.

K. Said my piece. Bye

A couple days ago I got pelvic pain so bad that I very nearly threw up.

I'm a little over a week past ovulation and it typically hurts a TON and makes me very nauseous. I found out yesterday through an ultrasound that I have adenomyosis, which explains why my cycle is so damn painful to go through and getting worse with the years.

Basically, imagine endometriosis' introverted twin sister. The tissue that should be in the uterus doesn't grow on the other organs like in endo, but instead straight up inside the uterine muscle, and mine seems to be diffuse. The possibility of endo is still on the table and will be investigated through more exams, but what makes my ovulation hurt so bad is likely because since my uterus is enlarged, it presses against the other organs and it very likely happened to press right where the ovary popped its egg. It presses against my bladder already and makes it incredibly sensitive.

I had the genius idea of finishing my pickled herrings in cream for dinner. I love those. They're acidic as fuck because of the onions and vinegar, but I love eating them. Already felt uncomfortable, but I thought that adding some rice could soak it up.

Not even twenty minutes later, I'm starting to really not feel good. I take a basin beside me. A few minutes pass again. I'm really starting to think this is it.

I go to the bathroom and sit by the toilet. Saliva. That odd feeling in the jaw. Even a bit of acid reflux. I tremble, I'm hot, my hands even start to get numb and tingly.

But somehow I swallow. I hold it in. And my pelvis trembles, as if what was about to come out instead went down and shook itself.

I still feel paralyzed. I hang over the toilet. Try to spit out some saliva, thinking it's going to come out. Try to let the smell disgust me enough to make me gag.

I face a bit away. I'm tempted to go back to my laptop with the basin, but I don't feel safe doing so.

It rises again. The saliva, the jaw. Again... I don't let go. I would've possibly felt better after. I think "get it over with, Amagi", like I did last time I threw up and actually did vomit. But this time, nothing. Pelvis shakes after.

Nothing even tried to come out with a proper retch (which is exactly the moment that scares me the most, that point when the body really "goes at it", unless I'm so nauseous I genuinely can't hold it anymore and just want to finish the job), and it never did.

I remained there for a while before I thought that if it really had to come out, it would've by now. Went for a walk outside and it took me something like a quarter to half an hour to have the nausea completely gone. My ovary still hurt, I thought it had an adhesion or a cyst, but nope. Just overcrowded and not liking it.

I came home and the night was fine. I still slept with my basin, but nothing came out during the night, either.

I feel this isn't quite a success. If I had let go, it would've been. Not that it would've helped anything, I guess, since it's not my stomach which is in poor state, but my lady organs. I had never thrown up from ovulation or period pain in the past. Now I'm starting to think this may become the new normal for me, until the next midwife appointment that might get me on an IUD or back on the pill, that is. It's in a couple of weeks. Period will likely start by that time. I'll see.

It's not a victory, but I will share it here because I think it's important still.

I don't use GPT through its site anymore, but however when I open Perplexity it often puts GPT as the model. I can tell by this exact phrase alone.

Immediate "god dammit" and deleting the thread. This phrase alone is enough to make me break out in hives (mentally, obviously).

I hate, HATE this. It always has this unpleasant, overly literal, clinical, detached and somewhat superior tone to it. Where have the fun days of 4o and 5.1 gone??

My periods have always been painful, that's a fact. I used to white knuckle them as a teen. No painkillers, not even a hot water bottle, I thought that I had to get over it and show absolutely nothing. As an adult (in my 27th year), though, I find it's harder and harder to cope. I don't know if they're getting more painful or if my pain tolerance is getting thinner. In fact I have no idea how painful they truly are because I'm so used to powering through. I can walk miles with a blister if I have no choice, and it's going to be hell but I'll do it.

The pain is not to the point I pass out or puke but there have been occasions I could not stay still and had to pace around, or I wiggle around like a maggot on my chair, or I just curl up. If I sense they might be coming I take a painkiller in case it comes in the middle of the night, because you can be sure it's going to wake me up.

Started my periods at 12, they were pretty abundant as a teen, then I got on birth control precisely to regulate my periods and to make them less painful when I was 18 or 19, but stopped the pill after 21 ish because I wasn't too keen on the idea I was putting artificial hormones into my body. Now I'd say the flow is normal.

Apparently it's not a normal thing to need a burning hot water bottle on your belly on the first couple of days of your period, that your vulva feels like it's literally clamping, that painkillers either take 2 hours to work if they do work at all, that you sometimes have to fold up or cross your legs and lean forward on your seat barely able to concentrate when you're at work, that the pain irradiates in your legs, that you pee all the damn time when you're ovulating or on your period for some reason, that your ovulation itself is painful for days (last time, I literally dreamed I was expulsing a dead fetus), that hitting your cervix with an object gives you a sort of dull, "resonating" ache that lasts for hours. I don't know about my fertility, may or may not have kids but it's not clear cut because I'm a lesbian, so no oopsie pregnancies possible.

The last two cycles have been worrying me a lot. I can chalk them up to escaping from a toxic home and a whole lot of stuff happening but my cycle is usually round 30-33 days and the last two have been atypical. First one, 36 days long, 10-12 days of invalidating PMS. Lots of bloating, water retention, insomnia, anxiety, nausea, and being super tired after just a short walk outside. And the current one, got my period 2 days early which never happened before, but not only was ovulation worse than before, I also had tender and swollen breasts + cramping for the whole luteal phase.

I don't recall if it was my previous midwife or my (male) GP at the time that told me I might have "some endometriosis" when I was 20 or so and consulting for ovarian cysts (the ultrasound gave no results), but that "many women have it". I booked an appointment to the midwife's today, I'll know next Friday if this lead can be explored, but I'm thinking that it's a very real possibility.

Right now I'm sitting at my laptop with a burning hot water bottle and it isn't even enough, the pain still irradiates in my thighs, my hips, and I feel the cramps. To a lesser degree but it fucking hurts and I'm exhausted. Hopefully it will have eased by tomorrow but sometimes the second day is worse than the first. Just don't want to miss work.