I don’t want to be me anymore.
31yr old, Female- I’ve been mentally struggling for 10 months now. To start, I never thought I’d live this long. I completed all my career goals early, so I quit my job and decided to do something that made me feel something about 2yrs ago. I work for myself now. Then started family troubles- I’ll spare you the agony of the details but my once very close/loving family & extended family has shattered. To sum it up- Legal issues, dementia, lying, addiction, framing one another, kidnapping, rape & being generally cruel towards one another which brings us to the state of now- pretend they all don’t exist. Every. Single. One. They all act like no one else exists anymore outside their immediate family. I love my family but they’re a bunch of selfish immature assholes who refuse to communicate like logical human beings. To add, my long term relationship feels like a joke. Being a devoted and loyal partner, I have been disappointed/disrespected/humiliated so much that I fear it will continue forever. I still think he is a good guy (he has grown an incredible amount) but he’s an idiot when it comes to women and irrational when upset. Not to say I do not play the other role in this “failure” of an ongoing relationship. I’m not the coolest cucumber when heavy shit hits the fan and I’m a mean drunk. (I stopped drinking) I stayed in my hometown to be close to my family and my boyfriend. Now that it’s all gone to shit and I’m not tied to the corporate world here I feel no reason to be here. No one hears me anymore, well actually no one listens- they just respond with the first thought of themselves instead of listening or asking clarifying questions. When I first noticed a few months ago it I felt like I was walking in a simulation & suddenly speaking some other language. Which in turn told me, I’m not important. That I could disappear and although at first it would hurt people they’d move on reasonably fast and I’d soon be an after thought. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to be who I am anymore. I want to leave, disappear and start somewhere that I don’t have to be who I am. I don’t want to feel like I do. I worry leaving won’t fix this and I’ll think about ending it all. Which really isn’t all that far from the back of my mind already. Anyways, I guess I needed to vent and ask people how they handled finding themselves while fighting depression. I don’t need the “go drink water” “walk in the sunshine” “go to therapy” bullshit cause I do all of that religiously at this point to keep.. ya know those thoughts at bay. I need actual advice and direction here.