Question about a healthy poly relationship.
I’ve been seeing this guy who is divorced but still sleeps with his ex. She and I get along great. We do stuff together and talk all the time. So two things happened.
First, he lied to me about his ex, his primary, and this other woman who does NOT want anything resembling poly. She wants only him even though she has a bf. But, we got past it and everything was fine. But he was explicit about who he was and was not using condoms with. Supposedly it was only his ex wife and she has only ever been with him. So we both got tested and agreed to not use them anymore. I’m 48 with an IUD I’m not worried about pregnancy. But I am worried about STIs. Which I was clear about.
Fast forward he broke up with his primary-she was mean and manipulative and wanted to see other people but he wasn’t allowed to. So, he always complained about being lonely after work and that’s why he needed the primary despite her flaws. So last week I went over for Sunday football and he spent all the time (after we had sex of course) on his phone playing games with this third woman we’ll call Jane. For 2.5 hours I watched football and he asked me about words so he could play them against her. wtf?! Barely spoke to me. We had a threesome planned for Tuesday. So I told him how upset that made me. I was there with him but he spent his time with another woman. He refused to understand. Said he felt comfortable with me that’s why he was on his phone. I never take my phone Out when I’m with him.
We make up and have the threesome with the ex wife. He spent 2/3 of the time having sex with her while I sat there alone doing stuff alone. After we all went to dinner. He was all giddy about it. Dream come true. 🙄 He kept asking me about it and finally I said honestly I felt very left out. So he says “well we were married for 25 years.” Then go have sex with her! She apologized profusely and felt awful and wanted to do it again to make up for it. Apparently they had much more detailed conversations about what was going to happen than he and I did.
Now, a few days later he says he’s having Jane stay the whole weekend. wtf?! So, I’m at brunch with the ex wife and she lets me know they don’t use condoms. He also never told the ex wife he and I weren’t using condoms. I told her bc I thought she knew because while he was with her I told him to tell her. He said he would. So I texted him asking if he uses condoms with Jane. He says no like it was no big deal. If I’m asking it’s a big deal! Then a two day long fight ensues over text. Oh yeah don’t have his number even though we’ve been doing this since July. So I can’t even have an actual conversation with him about it.
I had called him out for his lies already and then this was another one. He was very nonchalant about how the ex knew, like I was supposed to check his medical history with her or something. He thinks he told me. But I say he didn’t. So he gaslights me about it and then blows me off because they were at paint n sip. Ummmm he hasn’t taken me out in weeks. Unless you count coffee. So he stopped responding because he’d been drinking. Then the next day it starts again. I finally told him bye have a nice life. He took no responsibility and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. He wanted me to trust him that she was clean even though she doesn’t live nearby, he doesn’t see her often, and she has a partner. Yeah I should trust third hand confirmation that she’s clean. I haven’t seen a recent test from her. He didn’t even offer. And one weekend he told me he was watching little house on the prairie alone, yeah come to find out he was having sex with her and watching reruns. So I have had sex with him since his last test. And mine. I’ve been with no one else but his ex wife.
Would you just trust your partner about someone else being clean and not sleeping with anyone but him and her partner? It’s gross in my opinion. It was not discussed and I have no access to this woman because she wants me gone. So I’m not crazy right? I’m sending him this link because I’d love to know what people who know what they’re doing tell me I’m not crazy. We had a nice thing going that he imploded four days after I made his dreams come true. I am bi, I am the one who suggested the ex wife, and I did it. Like what the hell man? Thoughts, advice, opinions are all greatly appreciated.