I sometimes have anxiety to the point of my chest closing up or my throat tightening and I am often unable to properly breathe or, sometimes, eat. I used to be able to calm down by myself before but cannot anymore. Now, I mostly wait for it to pass and distract myself until I forget and my body eventually moves on. Does anyone know of an effective way to deal with this?
I have no friends or anyone to talk to so I’m going to put this here because I need to talk to someone.
I see a lot of people talking about people who have committed suicide and they often seem to describe a lot of victims as cheerful and the life of the party or just generally kind and beautiful people. I know that‘s not always true but I see it so often that I wonder what it would be like if or when I left people behind. I am certainly not that at all. I hear so much about sad people often being kinder to people around them to make sure no one else goes through what they have gone or are going through but I am not like that. I don’t think I am. I‘m really bitter. I’m really angry. I feel defeated and helpless and don’t even know how I used to convince myself that I was capable of anything before because I cannot seem to now. It’s even dumber and more dramatic sounding now that I write it out but I’ve always been attention seeking. I think I’ve become less empathetic and generally a worse person ever since I’ve felt this way, not the other way around.
I don’t even have a bad life or anything. People go through so much and I’m frankly quite privileged. I have a normal life and I still can’t seem to feel better, not for very long. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but the dumbest things will make me feel horrible dread and make me think of dying. Like this weird digestive issue thing that I have. It makes me want to die everyday. It sounds stupid and it feels so stupid I can hardly verbalize it but it’s true. My entire life revolves around it. My anxiety has consumed me.
I don’t have any particular desire to go plan out my death but I don’t really see the point to life. I don’t have the courage to do it but I tell myself I’ll do some fun things here and there and try for a bit longer and then find a way to die before I get much older. I was happy once so maybe I can do it but these feelings always come back. I’m in college and I have no friends but I do try. I think I don't even have the energy or patience in me anymore to trust someone enough to get close to them even if I did find someone I could be friends with. That, and I think I’ve completely forgotten how to be a person. I can’t seem to care about anything or anyone. Why would I be someone worth being close to?
I‘m going to start therapy soon but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know the difference between when I’m performing and when I’m being genuine anymore. I don’t think I can make it out of this and if I do, I won’t be a good enough person to deserve it.
I can’t really tell if its been so long since I’ve talked to someone that I’m exaggerating things in this post or if any of this really is true. Why do I have to put in effort to be normal? That doesn’t seem fair. Life isn’t fair but I haven't matured enough to move past the anger and denial I have about it.