u/Mysterious-Total9448

Been over 5 years I lost my mom. (Covid, 2nd wave)
My phases of grief have been quite interesting and varied.
The first two years, absolute train wreck. I was falling apart every single day and fully numb to everything happening to me, around me.
Years 3-5, I haven’t been a total mess, started paying attention to personal, academic and professional life. However, the numbness only got worse.
To be honest, I rarely feel truly happy or sad for anything. Be it a milestone in my life or something terrible happening to me, it just affects my mood for a while and then it’s just another day. Sleep and food have been my true best friends in this numbing journey.

Right before going to sleep today, I started thinking about how it used to feel, sleeping next to mumma. I remember how her skin felt, how she used to snore, how she would get irritated if I intentionally got too cuddly with her.
One thought led to another and I cried my heart out, after many, many days. Dw, I love it.
If I am being honest, I never want to get over this pain, I want my heart to be forever shattered about losing my mother right before I turned 18, a few days before her retirement from a soul sucking job, after which she was FINALLY supposed to be all mine. I never intend on forgiving life and fate for being unfair and horrible to my mother and me.
I try to fool myself and others a lot, but I genuinely can’t bring myself to genuinely care about my future, job, career, marriage, family, settling down, growing older, any fucking thing.
All of these are just points on a checklist to me.

None of this matters because she is not here.
We weren’t the best mother-daughter duo but I was not supposed to grow up as an adult, motherless.
None of this matters because she isn’t here, she wont be here during the supposed best and worst moments of my life. And hence, they all are one and the same to me.

I am not troubled, I want this pain and grief to forever live within me because I am her daughter. Everyone else seems to have moved on from her loss, some a little faster than others but I, being her only child, am the one going through this pain alone. Others lost a daughter, a wife but I lost my mother, even before I could fully have her all to myself.

I miss you Mumma.
I am, because you were.

Looking for suggestions for a well functioning, decently priced gym in Indiranagar with staff who know how to assist.
Recently moved here, not looking for any luxurious facilities, just need a good, not super crowded space to workout everyday.
Pls drop in suggestions!🙏🏼

Any trusted home-cooks who sell good, homely Bengali food? I really want to try more of it this year but I’m tired of going to restaurants and over-paying.
Vasanth Nagar used to have a good Bengali aunty who would cook Bhoj Thalis, Bhetki, etc on the weekends and sell.