u/NYCstateofmind

I know ECT isn’t successful for everyone and for some people it has severe side effects, I am not trying to devalue people’s experiences, but I do want to share a bit of my story because generally we don’t hear the stories of people who are doing well, because they’re out there living their lives.

I have had 4 acute courses of ECT over the last nearly 20 years. The first two were involuntary and as a treatment for catatonic episodes. Then I was well for nearly 8 years and in the last 18 months I’ve had 2 acute courses of 6 sessions each, and over the last 12 months have had maintenance ECT being spaced out, which I am soon to stop.

I have bipolar 1. When I am depressed, I cannot function. My last episode 18 months ago, I lost 10kg in 6 weeks, couldn’t process eating or drinking, I couldn’t feed my cat, I couldn’t shower, I couldn’t have a conversation with people more than a few words. I felt like I had a marble rolling around my skull and was completely devoid of thought. I spent weeks just laying in my bed staring at the wall before I was hospitalised. When I’m in a mixed mood episode I am angry and >!suicidal!< and impulsive and a horrible person to be around with profound akathisia which is the most intolerable symptom of my bipolar.

I have been on medications over the years which have helped, but not as quickly or effectively as ECT. I work as a nurse - I can process complex medication calculations and equipment settings and process rapid fire situations well, which I absolutely couldn’t do when I was unwell or on the spiral of getting unwell, I live independently and I have a good support network. My relationships are back to “normal”, I don’t need to rely on my support network to care for me now.

It hasn’t been side effect free. I have no recollection of my most recent depressive episode - I think that is a combination of both my level of illness and the ECT combined. It wasn’t until ECT was spaced out to monthly that I started to feel like that cloud was lifting.

Please don’t tell me I’m wrong, because for me it was the right decision, even when it was made for me initially.

Wishing you all the best - the people for whom it didn’t help or caused more suffering and for those who are on this journey with me. I hope my experience can help someone.

TW workplace violence

I am really struggling with work at the moment. I work in emergency and mental health. I am about to start with a clinical supervisor, I started seeing a free counsellor through work but I have only had one appointment and I just felt like all she was doing was validating me and I don’t really need that. I saw my GP the other week after some horrendous things that happened at work and took some time off. We have a long relationship and it was helpful to be heard, but I’m just not sure I can keep doing this career at all. I feel silly going back to my GP to talk, especially because I live with mental health issues but I’m actually really well, just struggling with this work stress.

I’ve been working as a nurse for over a decade, 7 of those years in both mental health and emergency. I am not green and I have coped with a lot over the years and never felt this bad about my job.

I’ve been assaulted several times at work, once resulting in torn ligaments and work cover for 4 months. Another time I was pinned against a wall by a patient in an isolated area of the department and thankfully nothing actually happened because a colleague happened to be walking past and pulled the patient off me. A lot of my job involves deescalating angry people and I’m in a leadership role in my work, but last week I had a patient start punching walls and screaming in my face, and it feels like something in me and my coping ability snapped. All things considered this was very mild considering some of the things my colleagues and I deal with on the daily. I have taken the week off work. I don’t want to go back. I am feeling panic at the thought of stepping back into the hospital.

At the moment I want out of healthcare entirely, and maybe that feeling will fade eventually. The majority of my adult working life has been healthcare and I just don’t know what else I’d do, but I don’t think I can keep doing this.

What would you do if you weren’t a nurse?

Back story: I’m having maintenance ECT for severe depressive release with catatonic/psychotic features a year ago. I’ve had little blips along the way but nothing compared to that episode.

I’m not hungry, I’m not really sleeping (a lot of resting staring at the walls), I feel like everyone around me is speaking too fast and I can’t keep up with them. I can’t keep my house clean and I forgot to feed my cat this morning. I’m not even really sad, I just feel blank and people keep asking me if I’m ok and I don’t know what to say.

I’m having mECT a week early, but I don’t know how to explain that I failed needing it a week early and I’m so scared they’ll think I’m over reacting.

I don’t know what I really need. Some reassurance maybe.