u/NamuhNoserp

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TL;DR: update on 15hour date. We don't talk anymore. No animosity from my end. But the chapter is now closed for good.

Not sure, this is the best flair to use but it's the closest I could find.

The update you've probably all been waiting for or maybe you haven't. But because I promised. So here you all go.

If you didn't see the earlier part. Please check my profile to see the narration of my amazing first date that spanned about 15hours. Posting link in the body text gets the post removed.

So, it's been a little over a month, where are we now. After the first date which made me write the previous Reddit post, we had 2 more dates.

Date 2:

So, we met again later in the week, went gaming which was quite fun and we were looking forward to who would win. Then we decided to grab dinner but at the last minute, we thought we should go over to his for dinner. Haha

So we got to his place, put on the office, ordered food, and had dinner. I was like, "I need to go back home because of work tomorrow and you have to wake up early as well". I would be working from home but he from the office...

But I never left, because well, I enjoyed his company that much.

There was also a lot of teasing and he would say, "don't leave", "why do you do this", or sigh with exasperation and say, "I hate you".

Anyway, desire hooked me and we decided to lock in and we were intimate. Terrible terrible. I do not have a lot of sexual experience but even I know that was subpar but apparently he had a great time.

What happened? It was the quickest and fastest thing ever. It's like how you see machine guns fire in movies. Like Tah Tah Tah Tah. Boom. Not sure we did 2 minutes. I was on my back the whole time, no change..it wasn't pleasurable. Like WTF!!!!!!!!!

However, he was such a great eater. I thought maybe it was because we teased around so long that he couldn't hold it in. I decided to excuse it based on the eating experience and because well, sometimes you gotta teach people how you want to be intimate. I'm really trying to give people chances. Haha

Next morning I went back home.

Later, we planned to meet again for date 3.

Date 3:

Also a weekday. I cooked and invited him to mine. He also used the time to help me fix some stuff around the house.

We ended up watching a random show on Netflix and by the time the food was done and all, we were both crazy tired and he decided to sleep over.

Again, we became intimate. But here's where things got interesting.

Immediately he pulled off his trousers, he reeked! Like, damn guy!

I thought it was sweat from the long day but by the time he sheathed himself with the rubber, the smell became better. All of this I realised in hindsight by the way.

Fortunately, this one was better and I took control. I wasn't ready for another machine gun movement because I'd be really pissed. Just gotta say it as a lady, you gotta be able to direct the set or you may be doomed to a lifetime of mediocre intimacy.

Next morning he went home.

After date 3:

Besides this he was a delight to hang out with. We were getting deeper to an extent, taking our time but there was the lingering question of him going backpacking for about a year next year or so. There was also the question that we hadn't addressed, "what are we doing", which sometimes is meant to unfurl naturally.

Anyway, I wanted us to meet on a day that wasn't the weekday so that could show commitment besides the intimacy part. Like, the intimacy wasn't even that good to maybe make it a FWB vibe.

He was like, "I'll let you know but now I can do Tuesday evening" and I was like, "nope, I can't do a weekday this week unless Friday" and let's go do something active outside. Not partying or eating" I was ready to make the plan.

I was thinking about drawing, ceramics painting, cooking class or painting and sipping. Yunno, anything besides him coming to my house or me going to his.

He was like, "I've got a meeting at work, I'll keep you posted".

I knew at that point nothing would happen and truly he texted me later to cancel or that it will be too late for that and we can have a chilled evening in but even then he thinks he'll be too tired so he'll just head home.

I said, "sure I understand" because I did. I understand everything he said and didn't say. But not to assume, I told him to let me know when next he'll be free.

We had some more casual back and forth about work and one day he texted me with a causal message in response to our previous chat. I reacted to it and that was it.

If someone cancels a date, I'd expect them to reschedule. He didn't and that was my cue. Not gonna be hounding anyone for anything.

We never gave ourselves the official, "hey, this is not working". We just stopped talking. Don't know if that's childish or okay. But that was the end of our brief but not so bad journey. About 3 weeks.

How do I feel?

I know I mentioned that I might lose my bananas if it didn't work out. But I didn't. Infact I was so good. Partly because it wasn't an abrupt end, I already assessed that it wasn't what I needed and started pulling away... So, like I was in control.

People that said I had limerence. I just want to address it here that I don't. I was just attracted to him and as a very expressive person who likes to qualify emotions and attraction with words, I guess my description came out like I needed deeper help than what I'm currently getting. But I think I'm good.

Also, can we stop throwing words around? It's not chic.

What did I learn from the experience?

To enjoy the moment. Thanks to everyone who advised that I savour the moment. I did and it was not the best summer fling, but I'll take it.

It may work out, it may not work out but enjoy it. No point in ovethinking or been pessimistic. Could have directed my overthinking self into enjoying it more.

Also, that dating is personal. Besides the general rules, you decide what you want, the timing and pacing. 1hour, 15 hours, 48 hours. Sex on date 1 or 5. Do as you wish! It's your world, rule it as you want but be sensible.

Lastly it was good to know that I still could thirst over someone, albeit for a short time 😂 thought I had become too serious for that!

There were also some red flags though like him lying at some point and continuously saying, "I hate you" when I tease him sexually. Like, that's some childish dumb stuff. The smell too which is crazy because his home is really clean and he does it all by himself. Hence why I think it's sweat from a long day.

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I know you may be pressed to say, "this is why we tell women to not have sex until they become official or until the x date"

Lol, nice opinion and I respect your school of thought. but I really don't care for it. Besides the health factor which I handle appropriately, the guarantee that you won't be hurt because you're withholding doesn't really fly. Also, perhaps it will help you to see sex beyond, "someone doing it to you" to you having pleasure, whether it is with yourself or in the company of others.

Anyways, cheers to me, you, us and everyone navigating dating.

Woke up this morning to see signals in hinge and I'm gonna be truthful, I had an instant terrible dislike for it and I find it invasive that I can't opt out of Hinges's signal feature. It's distracting and not accessinmy built into the app, lijke why is it constantly glowing? Uh

Besides that, I don't want to see that I'm active, which is insane because I'm active with nothing to show for it (how am I supposed to feel about that? Huh), I don't want anyone to see that either. Neither do I want to see that anyone is active.

It's the same reason I never have notifications, delivery check, or my active status turned on on any device or chatting app.(well, except my work notification, which I can also forget when I close for work at the end of each day).

I don't want it and I'd like to opt out of it or I might find myself opting out of hinge (dramatic act but yea, I dislike it that much)

Does anyone know how I can turn it off?

I’ve had friends staying with me for a few days, so I’ve taken to sleeping on the living room couch so they can have the best comfort. I don't mind.

However, every morning when I wake up, the blanket I cover myself with gives me a flashback to months ago when I covered myself with the same blanket.

It takes me right back to when the relationship with my ex broke down in the house he bought. Mind you, he was one of the main reasons I moved here, we had been doing LDR and we wanted to close thr gap and the role fell on me(story for another time). After we broke up, even though he was at fault, he treated me like I was a leper, and I had to sleep on the hard floor while I searched for apartments, make as little noise as possible because he's the boss. I couldn't also sleep on the couch because he made sure to be in the living room until late.

He told me to move out ASAP, completely disregarding the housing crisis, knowing fully well, I had nowhere to go. Basically he went from barely good to an absolute monstrosity. Sometimes I wonder how people can claim to love you and then become a completely different person when things get crazy.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about that. I just want to share some unsolicited lessons I learned from my experience bcause I'm in my feelings.

Months before we broke up, I made a now-deleted post about our housing dynamic and how I could never make a decision because "it's his house." (He told me those words by the way). I couldn't even buy spoons or anything, unless it was groceries for the kitchen or food I cook. I also talked about his behavior when we took a trip and he treated me terribly.

The people of Reddit were kind enough to point out that I should leave the relationship, that it was toxic. Some of you even slid into my DMs, but I ignored you because I felt like y'all were asking me to take a chainsaw to a fistfight. I thought it wasn't that bad and that y'all were just being outrageous and you always call for breakups at every inconvenience.

I wish I'd listened to you all. I wish I'd realized that y'all had no horse in this race and you all were just been largely objective to the best of your ability.

But I didn't. I was silly. I was in love. Now I know better; I understand that when y'all comment on posts, we all should read them with open minds and consider them more sensibly.

But I am so glad I took the financial advice to save money aggressively.

So the conclusion of this advice is that if you are gonna post a request for advice, please be calm enough to consider the points of view of people. They may be wrong even but It's the least you can do.

So, my next piece of advice is this: as a woman, no matter how much you're in love, please do not, I repeat, do not be solely financially dependent on a man unless it is absolutely your only choice.

People on Reddit advised me to save money every month as if I was paying rent, and I'm glad I did. I also put money into ETFs. By the time he told me to get out, I was not broke.

Also, please for couple closing the gap and moving to a different country, please never move without having something you will be doing there, something specific and please have a visa independent of your partner if you're moving across borders that requires some sort of visa. Don't say you will get a job when you get there, get a job if you can before moving or go live for about 3 months there to get the lay of the land job wise before commiting to it.

When he asked me to leave, I would have had to go back to where I came from with my tails between my legs if I hadn't been smart enough to move here through a job in my career path that also sponsored my visa. He didn't care what my housing or immigration situation was; he wanted me out, just like that.

Being independent means you can leave when things aren't working. While looking for apartments, I couldn't but think of people who have to stay in toxic situations because they cannot afford to move out either because of finance or otherwise.

Without my financial and immigration independence, I would have been stuck with a toxic man-child. So ladies, please strive for your independence at all costs.

I'm okay now. I have my own place, I'm living well, and I'm glad that phase of my life is over, but please do make better decisions than I did, which in this case was to have left the relationship sooner.

EDIT TO THANK YOU ALL

Thank you all so much for your comments. I see and I'm reading it all. I'll try my best to upvote all as a sign that I saw your comments even though I did not leave a response.

I appreciate the positive comments and the warnings alike. I guess I needed both sides.

We're still talking on WhatsApp, date planned for some days away. It will be shorter this time.

I will do well to update everyone on a month. I hope everything works out for us all, regardless of how it turns out.

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Went on a first date with a guy I met on Hinge, and it was sooooo good.

We spent over 15 hours together, which is by far the longest I've ever spent on a first date. At one point we were just sitting together, staring into space, not talking, and it wasn't awkward at all. We were different in a lot of ways but also weirdly similar.

Before we left, he said, "I really, really like you. I had such a good time with you, and I want to see you more." And he didn't want me to leave.

I woke up this morning and saw he unmatched me on Hinge (he's showing up in my past matches which means he didn't delete the app).

We had already exchanged numbers before that, we're still talking on WhatsApp, and we've even made tentative plans to see each other again this week. So logically, I know unmatching could simply mean, "We have each other's numbers now, so we don't need Hinge anymore."

Emotionally? My brain has decided this is a five-alarm fire.

I also know modern dating is... modern dating. Lots of people date multiple people until they become exclusive. Meanwhile, my emotions are aggressively monogamous. The second I genuinely like someone, everyone else ceases to exist. I can't even hold conversations with multiple people anymore. I haven't responded to my hinge messages since the date and hinge keeps notifying me about my pending conversations.

I know everyone is going to tell me to just ask why he unmatched me. And maybe I should. But it also feels like such a huge thing to ask when we're literally still texting and making plans. It makes me feel like I'd sound completely unhinged.

The scary part is... I think I really, really like him. I'm terrified by how much I like this person after just one date. I haven't felt this way in a very long time.

My heart has been doing the weirdest things ever since. I feel both peaceful and troubled.

It reminds me of Michael Scott(the office) saying, "I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Except I'm the one who's afraid of how much I like him.

If he ghosts me or eventually hits me with, "I don't think this is working," I genuinely think I'll lose my bananas.

In an attempt to calm myself down, I've taken cold showers, drank Coca-Cola (which I never drink), eaten ice cream and wings, journaled, watched TV, cleaned my entire house, gone for a run where I literally screamed into the void... None of that has worked.

When we planned the date, we both agreed it would either be great or a disaster. It was great, toooo great and it wasn't extravagant. We just did things we both loved to do together and now my emotions are all over the place.

Like, I want to watch him dance, hear is laughter, watch as his eyes crinkle while he laughs, watch him sleep, cook, talk, walk, and cycle ahead of me. I want to know everything there is to know about him. I want to stare into his Brown eyes...

I don't know what to achieve by this post. That I like someone and the feeling is alien to me yet I like it and I want to shout it from the rooftop, that I need help to get myself together or to summon the courage to ask why he unmatched me.

Maybe more help with how to keep my emotions in check. Do I even need to keep it in check? Why am I even pessimistic?

I also wish you all good dates so we can all feel this gooood. Maybe with less pessimism and more excitement that we will not be ghosted.

Some months back, I matched with a guy on Hinge. When we finally met up and I told him what I do for a living, he said, "One wouldn't know you do that based on how you’ve been texting."

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Ouch. But he was right. I was going through an incredibly busy season in life and wasn't giving dating my best effort. Taking his comment as a wake-up call, I decided to take a much-needed break from the apps.

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Recently, I decided to get back out there and downloaded both Hinge and Tinder. Yesterday evening, I found myself thinking it was finally time to delete Tinder because the "success rate" was abysmal for me. I had plenty of matches and messages, but the conversations went absolutely nowhere.

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Well, today I got the final push to delete it when a guy I’d been talking to for a few days suddenly unmatched me. The conversation had been incredibly dry, and I was doing all the heavy lifting. I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking, "Hey, maybe he’s just having a busy couple of days like I did a few months ago." He would reply with one line and I'd reply with enthusiasm, so maybe I wasn't too low effort with him.

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But it wasn't the unmatching that broke the camel's back. It was the realization that I didn't even know his name. I have sat here for a while now trying to dig into my brain to remember what he was called, and absolutely nothing came to mind. I had been talking to this human being for days, and he was a total stranger to me.

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IDK but I consider that a wake-up call. It signaled to me that I have completely checked out. The experience of using Tinder is turning me into someone I don’t want to be: someone who juggles multiple low-effort people at the same time while giving the bare minimum in return. In trying to shield myself from the inevitable disappointments of modern dating, I’ve become hardened.

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I mean, I wasn't even mad or anxious that he unmatched me; I just felt total numbness. For me, that indifference is a huge red flag.

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Maybe it's the paradox of choice these apps create, or maybe it's just the compounding fatigue of so many disappointments, but I am genuinely dissociating. I also wonder if my subconsious approach to Tinder was poor because it has that reputation of being the "low-effort, quickie" app, whereas Hinge has always felt a bit more intentional for me. Most of my meets from Tinder have been also crass too.

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I used to be excited about talking to new people which meant I remembered their names, but not anymore. Now it's like the same dance every time and I've just lost touch with myself.

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So for now, I'm sticking to Hinge and focusing heavily on my life outside of the digital world because I think if you've been on an app for months and are only getting breadcrumbs, it's time to change the environment (you or the app), in this case, I'm taking control by deleting Tinder and choosing to touch grass.

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I know the apps increase our chances but on or off the apps, I hope we all find what we are looking for out there.

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TL;DR: Deleted tinder and choosing to touch grass after realising I don't remember the name of the guy I was talking to for days after he unmatched me.

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After yet another dating fail where, despite a lovely conversation and a date that spanned hours, I got the "I think you're amazing, but I didn't feel any spark" text, and I am genuinely amused, and perhaps a bit concerned, by the unrealistic expectations that have become normalized through the "fast-food" logic of dating apps.

Everyone claims they are tired of apps and want "traditional dating," but they seem to have forgotten how traditional attraction actually works and the effect of continued exposure to people. In the past, you grew attracted to each other because you were confined to the same spaces over time, doing stuff together or having brief interactions here and there.

Your colleague is just a colleague until, after months of shared projects, you discover you like them more than expected. Your friend is just a friend until you realize you're attracted to them. Everyone is just someone you're not attracted to until time changes how you see and feel about them.

Yet modern dating has abandoned this gradual discovery in favor of a "slot machine" vibe. A person you’ve barely spoken to expects "Fourth of July" fireworks within two hours, or they move on. They treat dating like a social media feed that, if they aren't hooked in the first 30 seconds, they tell you "there was no spark" and move on to the next person.

I’m not saying you shouldn't want chemistry; I do, too, and by all means, buy a taser if you want a spark that badly. But we are conflating raw, instantaneous sexual attraction and anxiety with the actual foundations of a relationship. Again, don't get me wrong, those are just as important...

And the rhetoric that, "if you don't feel it in date one, you won't feel it ever" is even more interesting because that's not how it works!!! Give yourself and your dates time to ignite or whatever.

And outside dating, this is also how we live; we have grown into people who have forgotten how to let something grow. We want instantaneous success, financial growth, and everything else without putting in the work, as if the people we admire just had it dropped on their laps.

Jokes all around. End of rant. I'll be fine, we'll be fine.