u/Naturally_Brea

A bit of a back story: I (38 F) have 3 siblings: Dustin (52 M), Adele (51 F), and Jonathan (50 M). Dustin has two kids, Penelope (23 F) and Rosanna (20 F). Adele has 3: Samuel (34 M), James (32 M), and William (26 M). Jonathan has one, Hunter (28 M). They all live in the province we grew up in, fairly close to one another but our parents moved about 6 hours north a few years back, and I moved to another province that’s about a 5 hour flight away almost 15 years ago. Since I moved, I worked part time for seven years while completing my undergraduate degree, and then a second degree in Education. I had initially planned on a temporary move but I met my husband in that time and am now a teacher in a province where teachers have some of the lowest salaries in the country despite having the highest cost of living (which is relevant, I promise).

My husband and I now have 2 kids, Ava (6 F) and Emmie (3F). I have gone back to visit my family almost every year since moving and have always stayed with Adele as she’s the only one I’m really close with. Our mom always comes down to spend at least part of my time there at Adele’s house as well. We will typically have one big family dinner when Dustin and Jonathan bring their kids and sometimes William makes it as well. I haven’t seen Samuel since I moved, and haven’t seen James since he moved in with his dad for high school. My mom and Adele have been out to visit twice, but because my husband and I had lived in a 1 bedroom basement suite until last year and because it’s more convenient for just me and my children to fly and see everyone rather than the odd person fly to see us, it just makes more sense for me to go there. To show Adele that I appreciate her picking me and my kids up from the airport and letting us stay there, I always bring her a bottle or two of locally made wine and/or a locally made candle or something along those lines. I will contribute to the grocery bill if we go together but sometimes she does a full shop before we get there. I set her up with our accounts for 4 streaming services to help offset that cost, up until the last year or so when they all cracked down on account sharing. She stopped doing birthday and Christmas presents for my kids before Ava turned 3, and opted instead to gift experiences during our trips there.

This finally brings us to the dispute. Jonathan’s son Hunter recently got married. As a teacher, I do not get vacation days outside of our usual school breaks. What I get instead are 5 unpaid discretionary days per year. This year, I used 2 to take a long weekend trip for my husband’s 40th, and 2 to fly back for Hunter’s wedding. I used the final one for one of Ava’s dance competitions. When I was back for Hunter’s wedding, Adele informed me that her middle son, James, was also getting married soon and that his wedding would be toward the end of the school year. I expressed my regret that I could neither afford a second trip during a single year, nor had any days available to take off for it. Adele persisted that she would really like me to be there and wanted me to figure out a way to make it work. She even offered to pay for half of our flight cost. I apologized and told her that I still couldn’t afford the other half. I didn’t explain that my husband’s employer was in a precarious position and that we may be losing our main source of income for a bit because he didn’t want me to tell anyone until we knew for certain. All I explained to Adele was that we would be on a very tight budget for a while, and as much as I wanted to attend, the funds just weren’t there and that I would be risking my job if I attempted to use sick days. Adele became extremely angry with me and accused me of choosing Hunter over James and told me that I owed her after everything she had done for my kids. She also told me to let her know which of their graduations or weddings I wanted her to miss. I tried to explain again that I really did want to go but my situation wouldn’t allow it, and that if she felt the need to get even with me by hurting my kids, then I was sorry that she would be missing out. A couple days later, she asked me about coming to visit over the summer and I ignored her because I was angry at her for bringing my kids into it.

In the meantime, I had never heard anything from James himself regarding his wedding so I reached out and apologized for a) presuming that I might be invited and b) that I couldn’t make it and explained why. I wished him all the best, requested he send his registry, and sent my love. James replied that he had planned on inviting me and my family (this was a month before the wedding date) but that he understood and would be sure to send pictures. I messaged Adele after the wedding and speaking with our mom, and told her that I had heard it was beautiful and was sorry again that I had to miss it. She exploded at me, saying that she has done so much for me over the years without ever getting anything in return and that she was not interested in continuing a one-sided relationship. I told her that between this reaction and what happened on my last trip home when she blamed me and my flight being late (and her going to the international arrivals to pick us up) for missing an important work meeting and screaming at me before not speaking to me for the rest of the day, that I was no longer interested in being berated over situations out of my control and that the feeling was mutual. In closing, AITA?

For context, she’s the second-born and definitely embodies the stereotype. I feel like I remember my oldest cleaning up her toys with help by that age, if not earlier but my youngest flat out refuses. She will roll around on the floor or take out things that her sister just put away. It’s hard to think of a logical consequence that doesn’t also punish her sister but even if I tell her that she doesn’t get to play since she didn’t help, she’ll say, “Okay, mama, that’s fine.” Or if I tell her that I will pack up whatever is not cleaned up and donate it to someone who will take better care of it, she’ll say, “Yeah, you can.” I have packed things up a few times and given them a chance to earn things back and while my older one is very upset when I do this, my youngest genuinely does not care. Until all of a sudden she does and has a full on meltdown. She helps clean up a daycare. Ideas to motivate? Or hope it’s just a phase and let her come around in her own time?