u/Nearby_Cookie_

This isn’t informational. I’m in the same boat as everyone else being transferred from AISH to ADAP, and I’m being told just as little. I’m in the same purgatorial constant panic attack.

I just almost gave up when all of this started, and a kind person on this sub pushed me not to. And I want to do the same, although I’m not sure if this kind of post is allowed. If it isn’t, I totally understand.

When I was going to give up, I kept listening to this song called Right To Die by AlicebanD. I think it’s intended to be anti-capitalist in general, but it feels like it was written about exactly what we’re going through, and as a goodbye note for loved ones after ending things. I know not everyone can listen to songs, so I’ll include the most relevant lyrics:

“Take me down the silver river, and sell my soul for oil, sell my dignity for half a bar of gold. Sell my freedom for another bit of capital idea, and when you’re done, I will not worry, I’ve been sold. Take me far away from here, and sell my soul for light, sell my everything for just one special night. Sell all of my possessions so you cannot see their worth, and when you’re done, I will not say I wasn’t told. Tell my loving family that this wasn’t just their fault, and tell the world that made me whole it was not a joke. And that the little education I have had was pure elation, and that the only ones who die are those who smoke (satire).”

“Take me down the silver river and sell my hair for food, sell my independence first so there’s no fight. Take my little things away, so there’s no memories, and hey! When you’re done, you can just sail into the night. Take me down a peg or two, because I’m nothing else to you - take me down a peg or two, and I won’t fight. And since I cannot be set free, there’s nothing left for me. For now, it seems that they control my right to die.”

I listened to those lyrics while I prepared to stop fighting. While I wrote goodbyes. And the more I listen to it now, the more I want the opposite. It’s criticizing a broken system that takes everything from the most vulnerable and gives it to the rich, and my response to it shouldn’t have been to let that system succeed. I know a lot of us can’t fight. I can’t even leave home or talk on the phone. But it’s still a fight worth fighting in our own ways. If you’re thinking about giving up right now, and the only way you can contribute to the fight against what they’re doing is living instead, do that. And feel proud. Your life means something. You don’t need meaningful employment to be meaningful. They’re cruel, and they’re wrong, and they don’t define your value.

Today is the first day of ADAP, and I know all of us aren’t going to be contacted at once about what the transition is going to be. But has anyone at all been contacted? Has anyone been called or received mail? Someone mentioned a second message we would all be receiving soon, but I never received it - did you guys get it? There are just so many unknowns. I just want to know if even one person has received actual contact.

I have agoraphobia, schizophrenia, and PTSD. I can’t go out, and depending on my symptoms, there are days where I’m not functional at all and need my roommate/caretaker to take care of all of my needs. It’s humiliating, but during one episode, I even had a bowel movement while curled up on the floor that she needed to clean up because I wasn’t responsive. I’m not someone who can reliably do any “meaningful, stable job”.

However, I paint. And I sell my paintings as self-employment income. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to help me survive, and if I paint more, I should be able to scrape by with the $200 cut. If I tell them when they call about mandatory employment stuff that what I’m already doing is the most I can do, but that I will be able to survive the cut by doing it, do you think they’ll accept that? Do you think they’ll let me not do the employment workshops? Because I honestly think ending things is the only alternative if they don’t.

I’m agoraphobic, and finally went to the dentist for the first time in almost a decade because some teeth were literally rotting out of my mouth and no longer ignorable. They took X-rays, and noticed a mass where my wisdom tooth had been removed over a decade ago. They gave me a referral to a surgeon who could figure out whether it was a cyst, and whether or not it was malignant/cancerous.

The surgeon just called. It’s $200 just to see him, and hundreds more for any imaging they need to do. I can’t afford to find out if this thing is cancerous. I just have to wait until it’s too late. “Canada’s free health care is amazing” is such a fucking lie.

I’m agoraphobic and haven’t been to the dentist in years. I finally went recently because two teeth were visibly rotting and unbearably painful. I noticed that as they deteriorated, I started feeling pressure in the ear on that side. While I was getting them fixed— one in particular, which had a visible and deep hole— I noticed that while the fillings were being applied, it was affecting the pressure in my ear. Sometimes it lessened, sometimes it worsened. Eventually, it evened out, and now it’s fine. My dentist’s concern was that the cavity was deep enough to need a root canal, but it wasn’t, and he said he didn’t even see any nerve. Could this still have been putting enough pressure on my nerve to impact my ear, or am I imagining things?

I’m hoping to apply for the earliest available MLA program, but didn’t take Biology 20 or Chemistry 20 in high school. It was my understanding that I could resolve that through academic upgrading, but now the program page says that you must either meet the requirements or take the year-long pre-health sciences program first. Does this mean I have to take that program first now, or will academic upgrading be sufficient for me to meet the requirements?