u/NefariousArtichoke

I low key kinda hate anniversaries and always have, good or bad. I feel similarly about birthdays. But tomorrow is the 19th anniversary of our son’s passing and my brain doesn’t really know what to make of it.

Like I can still vividly remember *the day* and *the moment* nineteen years ago and can also remember how I fell apart as the clock ticked down to the very first anniversary afterwards. And I remember how awful that entire first year after his death was—every painful first without him. And all the things over the course of years.

Our son should be here and my life and existence is always going to be lacking without him. But here I am still.

And so much time has passed and specific days have kinda become meaningless now? At this point my grief, memories, and feelings aren’t tied to a calendar. They just pop up whenever they do and I do what I need to as they arise.

I’m not trying to make a particular point or necessarily even seek support, I think I’m just contemplating how to navigate the weirdness between acknowledging impactful dates and marking them, how strange it feels to do normal shit on those anniversaries, and allowing oneself to exist and feel and be outside of time *after*. Idk if that makes sense.