How do I remain present and set boundaries with a coworker who has become very attached to me?
I’m struggling with a situation involving a coworker who has become very attached to me, and I’m not sure how to create some distance without making any arguments or drama.
I suspect she may have some anxious attachment tendencies (?). She told me that her parents divorced when she was young, so she had to go back and forth between their homes.
She suddenly became much closer to me earlier this year. The turning point was when some coworkers and I went out drinking, and she opened up about her breakup (She is always willing to share her private life stories with us). Around the same time, I talked about some difficulties I was having with my apartment. I think she felt that we had something in common because I was lonely at that time.
After that, she started inviting me to her home and even to her family events, and we gradually began seeing each other more and more. At one point, I realized we were seeing each other more than three times a week.
At first, I didn’t really mind. It wasn’t interfering with my life, and I enjoyed spending time with her and her family. But over time, I started feeling like she was becoming overly attached to me.
For example, I went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app, and I didn’t mention it to her (I mean, I don't even think about sharing this with her). The next day, she texted me something like 'why didn't I know about it?"
Another time, I had some friends over at my place for a party and didn’t invite her. The following week, she had her own party and invited some of our other coworkers, but deliberately didn’t invite me.
I feel like she needs me mainly to fill a sense of loneliness rather than because she genuinely wants to have a healthy friendship with me.
I’ve actually encouraged her several times to build a life outside of work and outside of me. I’ve suggested that she spend more time with friends outside our workplace, join a running club, or find hobbies where she can meet new people.
What really made me start pulling away, though, was the feeling that she was trying to control me and would somehow “punish” me when I did something outside of her control.
For example, if I spend a weekend with other friends without her, she may suddenly stop inviting me to lunch at work.
I work alone in an office, so I usually have lunch with her team. She knows this. When she wants to spend time with me, she’ll invite me to lunch, but when she’s upset with me, she won’t invite me.
There is actually another part of this situation that makes me think this may be a recurring pattern for her.
Before she became close to me, she was very close to a male coworker from India. After she became closer to me, she started distancing herself from him. She began telling me that he was strange and that he was too attached to her.
So, she becomes very close to someone, the relationship becomes intense, and then when another person enters her life, she starts distancing herself from the previous person. I suspect that eventually I may become the next person she distances herself from when someone new comes along (which is totally okay for me)
But, in counter of this kinds of attitudes or ego, how do I remain peaceful and present instead of getting caught up in the needs of her ego?
How would Eckhart Tolle approach this? How can I observe this pattern without becoming emotionally invested in it, while still taking care of my own boundaries?