u/NeitherKing2978

I usually write psuedo-poetic letters to my LO, an exercise that has been recommended to me countless times. Despite my numerous bullshit musings on my obsession with her I have yet to feel these exercises do anything beneficial to me.

It's so incredibly exhausting being consumed by equal parts hatred and lovesick fantasies over a woman I haven't even spoken to in years. It's isolating and lonely knowing I don't really have anyone other than my therapist to tell this to without being seen as crazy (which, to be honest, I obviously am). It's so disheartening to see other people navigate relationships with ease while I can't help but mourn someone that was never even mine to begin with.

Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes I hate myself. Most of the time I try to just block it out and continue my day. But she's so close to the forefront of my mind that even the fucking weather can trigger her memory.

Is there any hope to move on? What more do I have to do to just be normal? I'm in therapy, I'm on medications, I've tried all the exercises and coping tools I can find and she's still just as present as ever.

I sunk to a new low. I actually paid money for a tarot card reading about her. I don't even believe in that kind of shit, I have no idea why I did it or what I wanted to hear. I guess Im just looking for any kind of external validation that all this self torment isn't for nothing.

The tarot told me she wasn't the one for me and my fixation on her is what's holding me back from meeting an actual partner. Gee, thanks. Let me just get over it right quick I never once thought in the past 7 fucking years that this obsession is unhealthy and destroying my ability to form relationships. But what did I expect anyway? For it to tell me she's my soulmate and give me an excuse to reach out to her again? I wouldn't have believed it even if it did.

It could be anything: a song on the radio, driving to a part of town, the weather, and you're back on my mind again. You've become such a dominating force in my own mind that I've forgotten how to live without you on it.

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I'm tired, I truly am. I don't even have the energy to oscillate between hating you and loving you like I used to. I'm just exhausted and numb, desperately hoping that if I just keep moving forward I'll find something else that will finally free me from your spell. But it never happens.

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I date other people and I can't even pretend to be interested in them because they don't measure up to you. I try to invest time in my hobbies like music or gaming and it just reminds me how alone I am without you. I can barely socialize and meet new people anymore because I've truly forgotten myself. A core part of my identity has become attached to your projection, and I'm losing track of where "I" end and "you" begin.

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You told me once that I'd regret losing you, but you didn't tell me the half of it.

Long post, I'm a little drunk right now and going on a rant.

Some people claim it doesn't make sense but I think the explanation is pretty simple. When Nancy goes to bed and sets her watch for 10 minutes, this is the last time we see her awake in the movie. Her dragging Freddy into the real world was just another illusion of his as part of their cat-and-mouse game. This makes sense for a few reasons.

1.) He's in her head and he knows what she's thinking, he should know that she's been rigging her house with booby traps and her plan is to bring him into the 'real world'. If there was even a chance of that actually working why would Freddy willingly allow her to grab him right as her wake-up alarm rang? It makes sense that she would be too deeply asleep to be woken by a simple watch alarm given that she hasn't slept in seven days at this point. And why would he willingly march into all the booby traps she set as if he doesn't know they are there?

2.) Why does he appear from out under her bed as a jump scare if she had to be holding onto him in order to bring him out? He should be right on top of her when she wakes up, maybe a subtle clue that she isn't actually in the real world.

3.) How else do we explain the lightning in the bed fade-out after he kills Marge if not for some dream magic going out? Then he disappears and rises from the inside of the mattress? It just doesn't make sense for this move to be from a powerless real world Freddy. Another clue that Nancy isn't actually awake right now.

4.) It fits Freddy's character to do this. Freddy loves completely dominating his victims through fear, and since Nancy is such a strong and resilient character he thoroughly enjoys hunting her slowly and methodically. Pretty much everything he does in the movie is aimed at demoralizing Nancy in some way; not just jumping out and scaring her but psychologically abusing her to strip her of her power in ways only a true abuser can.

He kills Tina because she's the weakest link and uses her as bait to taunt Nancy with. He only kills Rod when Nancy's watching to prove to her that he is 100% real and her dreams are 100% something to be afraid of. He doesn't kill Glenn until Nancy makes a legitimate plan with him to meet up in order to stop Freddy, and he even tells her he's going to right before he does just to taunt her over it like he did with Tina. Glenn's also been having nightmares since the beginning I think, but Freddy carefully and strategically chooses the time when it will deal the most damage to Nancy before he kills him when he easily could have way sooner. Almost every single move he makes in this movie is targeted at Nancy, and the final act is just Freddy's greatest psychological play on her.

In that regard I actually find Freddy to be a very intelligent and terrifying villain in this ending. Nancy has technically been dead since the beginning and the whole film is just him slowly chipping away at her for the fun of it. And that's a pretty creepy concept to me and an additional layer to Freddy that further separates him from other slashers.

I understand that this wasn't intentionally thought out but I quite like the ending and I'm glad it didn't have a happy ending where she just goes off to school like nothing ever happened. The blow-up is still the weakest effect of the whole movie though but the car turning into Freddy's colors and driving away while the camera pans to the jump roping girls and Marge waving and smiling like nothing happened is a perfectly fine ending to me.

I love you.

And I hate you.

I hate that I love you.

I hate myself for hating you.

Every word we shared, the way your smile felt, the color of your hazy blue eyes as they looked into mine, the sound of your giggle, or the warmth of your body pressed against mine. It sounds beautiful, romantic even. But then why does it piss me off so much? Why couldn't you just love me? Wouldn't that have been so much easier? We didn't have to waste anymore time searching for someone else, we already had each other.

I hate you for not seeing that. And I hate myself for how narcissistic that notion really is. That I could harbor this much resentment to someone who merely made a decisions that she thought was best for herself. But it wasn't MY decision. It wasn't the decision I wanted you to make. And that kills me.

Your memory is an ocean of water and I'm trapped inside flailing my arms and feet against your tide trying in vain to swim against every crashing wave that pummels me back below the surface. I feel it in the way my chest tightens and I lose my breath. Every muscle in my body tenses and my stomach ties in knots. My heart is a sinking anchor that only keeps me tethered under your waters. I'd cut the line and float happily atop the flood if I could but instead I'm stuck here forever drowning in you, and I have been since I first fell into your gaze all those years ago.