I had a dream and woke up crying
completely non issue vent.
In my dream i was at a bar with a guy and we had so much chemistry. then he talked about something along the lines of "lets get out of here" as in lets take it to the bedroom and i froze up. And i said i can't sorry. and i saw the look of confusion in his eyes as he said "why not? i thought we had a thing" and i said yeah we do but i cant, homosexuality is a sin, i have religious trauma im sorry. And i left to go in my car in the parking lot(the location switched to a Walmart parking lot)
i dont have religious trauma, i dont believe homosexuality is a sin. I said that so i wouldnt have to disclose im trans. I cried in my car in the dream. and i woke up and i had tears on my face. because i ruined it and because i left the guy with no good explaination. i cant give him the truth i dont want him to view me differently and i cant risk that happening even if its like a 1% chance. I basically rejected someone so they wont reject me because i wouldnt be able to handle it if he did. the reason i did i believe is because im stealth irl, the fear of "what if he tells everyone"
god fucking damn it i cant even be in a happy relationship my dreams. what is weird is that i had a cis male body in my dreams yet i mentally knew i was trans i dont know how that fucking works. i know im not ready for relationships I know, got a lot to work through but c'mon man it was a dream. why cant i be happy in my dreams.