u/New-Ordinary6949

I really need some advice on what to do i’m lost. TLDR: My boyfriend disrespected me and hid things from me multiple times, and I need help letting him go. (He hid Snapchat and had girls in his recent friends, but they weren't on his friends list), and he has messaged another girl in the past. I am very codependent.

I've been in a relationship for 8 months, and now we are doing long-distance. He has disrespected me several times, but nothing like the other day: it hurt more than anything in my life. I’ve been feeling physically sick, and I blocked him last night, but I unblocked him shortly after because I can't imagine my life without him. I'm left completely alone—all my friends left me, and I have no one else but him. So it might sound like a stupid reason to feel bad, but I hadn't been this happy in a long time, and our relationship was perfect.
I felt like he was talking to another girl, which he has done before (claiming his friends asked him to because the girl was the ex of one of his friends, but he used to talk to her before. I saw the screenshot on his phone, we had a huge fight, and I broke up with him… but ended up going back). Then last week I told him I had a bad feeling, so he screen-shared all his social media with me, but afterward, without me asking, he deleted Snapchat saying he didn't want it anymore. A few days later, I heard a Snapchat notification in a voice message from him, and he kept lying, promising he didn't have it, and calling me "baby." But he did have it, and in the end, he had girls in his recent friends. I asked, and one of them said he might have added her a few weeks ago. He claimed he didn't remember adding anyone. You don't remember? weird reply.
Since then, I’ve been feeling sick because I had planned my whole future with him. He truly became my whole life. So now I feel like my life is ruined. I went back to him, but I can't be okay; I had a mental breakdown. I'm afraid I'll never be the same again. But I can't bring myself to let him go right now I'm so lonely.
Other instances of disrespect include him writing back to his ex (supposedly talking about me) during the first month of our relationship, though he just casually mentioned it; writing to that girl with his friends, which completely shattered my trust; and lying about where he was even though I had his location (I broke up with him out of panic, but went back). Later, he followed a girl from high school back, Because he "wanted to see what she wanted and would have told me about it," though I know they hadn't talked yet when I saw it, and that girl was blocked. And now he did this, which truly broke me. I feel like my life changed, but I can't bring myself to leave him; I need help, and I've been feeling physically ill these past few days.
He promised he's really going to change and tell me everything, etc., etc. I've heard that before. And tell me: could it be that if he isn't active adding new people on Snapchat, those girls were from before we met, 8 or 9 months ago? It would still make me angry to see it. He said he hid it from me because we always fought about it, but last time he had already promised to tell me everything.
Also the girls might just not have added him back or have removed him, but he had them in recent friends so he has them added still.

i feel like i really just don’t know anymore how to be alone and sit with myself and my thoughts

I really need some advice on what to do i’m lost. TLDR: My boyfriend disrespected me and hid things from me multiple times, and I need help letting him go. (He hid Snapchat and had girls in his recent friends, but they weren't on his friends list), and he has messaged another girl in the past. I am very codependent.

I've been in a relationship for 8 months, and now we are doing long-distance. He has disrespected me several times, but nothing like the other day: it hurt more than anything in my life. I’ve been feeling physically sick, and I blocked him last night, but I unblocked him shortly after because I can't imagine my life without him. I'm left completely alone—all my friends left me, and I have no one else but him. So it might sound like a stupid reason to feel bad, but I hadn't been this happy in a long time, and our relationship was perfect.
I felt like he was talking to another girl, which he has done before (claiming his friends asked him to because the girl was the ex of one of his friends, but he used to talk to her before. I saw the screenshot on his phone, we had a huge fight, and I broke up with him… but ended up going back). Then last week I told him I had a bad feeling, so he screen-shared all his social media with me, but afterward, without me asking, he deleted Snapchat saying he didn't want it anymore. A few days later, I heard a Snapchat notification in a voice message from him, and he kept lying, promising he didn't have it, and calling me "baby." But he did have it, and in the end, he had girls in his recent friends. I asked, and one of them said he might have added her a few weeks ago. He claimed he didn't remember adding anyone. You don't remember? weird reply.
Since then, I’ve been feeling sick because I had planned my whole future with him. He truly became my whole life. So now I feel like my life is ruined. I went back to him, but I can't be okay; I had a mental breakdown. I'm afraid I'll never be the same again. But I can't bring myself to let him go right now I'm so lonely.
Other instances of disrespect include him writing back to his ex (supposedly talking about me) during the first month of our relationship, though he just casually mentioned it; writing to that girl with his friends, which completely shattered my trust; and lying about where he was even though I had his location (I broke up with him out of panic, but went back). Later, he followed a girl from high school back, Because he "wanted to see what she wanted and would have told me about it," though I know they hadn't talked yet when I saw it, and that girl was blocked. And now he did this, which truly broke me. I feel like my life changed, but I can't bring myself to leave him; I need help, and I've been feeling physically ill these past few days.
He promised he's really going to change and tell me everything, etc., etc. I've heard that before. And tell me: could it be that if he isn't active adding new people on Snapchat, those girls were from before we met, 8 or 9 months ago? It would still make me angry to see it. He said he hid it from me because we always fought about it, but last time he had already promised to tell me everything.
Also the girls might just not have added him back or have removed him, but he had them in recent friends so he has them added still.

i feel like i really just don’t know anymore how to be alone and sit with myself and my thoughts