u/NewDiamondBox_

Because he didn’t have enough money, so he had to pirate it online.

You wake up one night at 3 AM to noises coming from your kitchen. You head downstairs to see someone raiding your pantry. It’s the Soup Demon and he’s here to offer you five different magical soups. He claims that upon consumption, they will grant you amazing powers that are permanent. However, he also explains that they each have a very annoying side effect. They are as follows:

Chicken Doodle Soup: You will be completely immune to every disease and poison, and you won’t have any health complications. Any physical injuries that you may have before accepting will immediately be healed. However, at a completely random time every day, a chicken will read to you a random article on Wikipedia about a disease so loud that it makes your ears very uncomfortable. He can even appear in your room while you’re sleeping. You cannot silence him by any means, he is invincible, and only you can hear and see him.

Spicy Parmesan Beef Soup: You will be able to activate a bullet time mode whenever you want that allows you to dodge any attack (even bullets and rockets) by slowing down time to dodge it, and move super fast. However, if you fart, sneeze, cough, or burp while the bullet time is active, you will immediately combust into flames, explode, and die.

Mizu Soup: You will be able to become completely invisible (even from thermal cameras) at will and you will become much more acrobatic and stealthy. However, if anyone touches you at all while you’re invisible, a non-nuclear explosion with the force of an average hydrogen bomb will occur right where you’re standing, obliterating everything in the blast radius. You won’t die from this explosion if you trigger it, but your ability will be temporarily disabled for the rest of the day.

Spicy Venison Jambalaya: You will become completely immune to any and all sources of fire, magma, and damaging heat beyond what a human body can handle. You will not feel pain from them either and you will be completely unscathed from such. However, if any part of your body touches any kind of grass, you will instantly blackout and fall into a coma for exactly 6 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes. You will be completely fine when you wake up, but you will still age normally and feel poorly rested when you wake up. Edit: You will always wake up on a surface that isn’t grass, to avoid infinite loops.

Orange Chicken Soup: You can teleport anywhere you want on Earth with the snap of your fingers instantly. You can also control whether any one snap of your fingers triggers the ability or not. However, every time you teleport, there’s a 5% chance that any of the following things will happen, selected at random: A) You’ll be completely naked at the new location, B) you’ll smell like skunk for 2 hours and 21 minutes (this can stack), C) you’ll immediately need to take a piss (random intensity), D) you’ll be forced to fight in a Chessboxing match in a pocket dimension before entering your new location (you won’t die or be permanently injured and time won’t pass in the real world), E) you’ll be cursed with a violent vivid nightmare the next time you go to sleep (this can stack for multiple days), F) every plant in a 100 meter radius of your new location will instantly shrivel up and die, or G) you’ll simply throw up a little bit. Each time you don’t trigger an event by teleporting, the probability increases by 1% until one of them happens, then resets back to 5%.

Additionally, you also have the option to show the Soup Demon the Holy Ramen Packet. Upon doing so, he will hiss and instantly vanish from your home. He will never bother you or show up to your home again if you pick this, but you will not be able to obtain the soup powers.

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