u/Next_Factor3272

It seems odd that whenever I talk to people, they’re excited by the idea of going to a ren fair or me playing dnd, but as soon as I mention larping, they seem to become really dismissive and judgemental about it. The only difference I see is the involvement and fighting, essentially you’re behaving like one of the paid actors at a ren fair, but those actors are not stigmatised. Is it because you’re acting for free? I really don’t understand why it’s any more “uncool” than playing dnd, doing improv or going to a ren fair (those things are all very cool to me though haha).

I know splitting and projections are a part of the disorder, and I know my friend has a growth mindset, but I also worry that they might split on me when I'm gentle but real with them. I find my friend is currently cutting out old friends and surrounding herself with newer friends (except me) who only affirm her as always right/perfect and she will bring this up as a way to validate her continuing said behaviour and cutting off those who react to her more harmful behaviours toward them as not deserving of her.

Currently, I will try to point out to her when she may be splitting on someone and help her understand why they may have reacted to her behaviour the way they did, but she struggles to understand that there isn't always a victim and villain, and that just because that person isn't a villain, it doesn't mean she is a villain either. I explain how we all end up causing harm to someone in some way, and that it doesn't make us bad entirely, it makes us humans with emotional reactions. I will validate her emotions and reassure that I love her if I am challenging the thought pattern, and I don't challenge her when she's really heightened or the incident has just occured, but more so when she's began ruminating and retelling the story repeatedly. She is looking for constant affirmation that she is a victim of their evil, but ultimately this only keeps her stuck retelling the same story for years to anyone who's around, and she will make up new stories that are very obviously lies when she can tell people don't want to listen to it anymore. I believe her avoidance of shame perpetuates this narrative forming and rumination, as perhaps somewhere unconscious she knows she has done equal or more harm than the person, but she's deadly afraid of facing it. I won't express that interpretation as I know that's a harsh thing to tell anyone, but I try to advocate and explain how she could reflect with more nuance and empathy for the other person and herself, rather than role dichotomosus role identification (I don't call it that, but I think that's what it is). I don't say this stuff to slander her, she has a good heart but I know this disorder shapes thinking in a way that is ultimately harmful to her.

At times this has provoked really profound reflection, but I've noticed that lately she is indirectly communicating how "***** said I did nothing wrong and anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve to be in my life", and she has a habit of communicating her feelings in this more indirect way, so I think she may be trying to communicate a desire for me to do the same as her new friends. I don't know if she's being selective with what she tells them, or they are toxically affirming her because it's less confronting, but I feel it would be unethical to do the same. I just don't believe it's healthy to unconditionally affirm someones behaviours and thoughts as wholly good, I certainly wouldn't want people to do that for me, and I don't value advice from friends who do.

What is the best approach for someone with BPD though?