u/Nice_Pool_2455

I write on here to stop the questions and daydreams from invading my brain.

I know that you're not on here. That you're probably seeing other guys. That you're getting on with your life. And that's great, you should be happy.

But I know that you've been isolating yourself too, to some degree. And I can't stop worrying. Honestly, it drains a lot of my energy.

A part of me is also mad. Every time I even got close to the subject you'd shut down or answer "it's fine" "we're good".

Just to be clear I do not need forgiveness. I need answers.

Are you okay? Do you despise me? Do you hate yourself? Are you ashamed? Or is this supposed to be some self-sacrificing, tragic hero bullshit?

If it's that last one, you know I pushed people away when I was younger and stupid. The idea that "if they hate me they won't miss me" is nonsense. You just hurt people more and you just end up sad and alone. You can't decide for people if they get to care about you or not, you only choose if you let them into your life or not. And trust me, the amount of people who truly care are few and far between, so don't take that shit for granted.

I'm always just an IG/FB/WA message away.

Take care,

I'm a shitty person. Pretty fucked up. A weirdo. A coward. A doormat. A judgemental bitch.

But I'm not going around feeling sorry for myself. I face my own shortcomings and do not run away nor justify my past fuck ups. I accepted long ago that I'm not perfect and that it doesn't matter if I'm the top or the bottom people will always try to tear me down and judge me. But I've always beaten them at their own game by refusing to play and focusing on my own shit.

I ngl, I have made mistakes, huge fucking mistakes, and I do have regrets. But I learn, I grow, I accept the consequences and try to be better, to make amends if my actions affected someone else. I do not break down into a pathetic mess over something I cannot change, and turn my attention to what I can do.

I don't care what you think about me. But I do care about you. And I want to know if you're alright. I know that you have very similar weaknesses as me and I know how hard they can hit.

You do not get to judge me, I don't judge you. Neither of us is perfect, but I'm not running away. I've only backed down to respect your boundaries but believe me it'll take one word from you for me to come running.

If you ever did care, you'd contact me. Even if it's to put me out of my misery.

I'm still trying to move forward. Guess I'm just a sucker for punishment.

Take care,

Do I hate you?

No.

Do I love you?

Yes

Romantically?

I don't know, I didn't really process it in the moment and now I'm confused.

Do I regret what we did?

Only because it fucked up our relationship.

Did I plan it?

No. It might have crossed my mind but I would never ever try to put you in an uncomfortable position.

If I could go back would I do it again?

I'd be seriously tempted but no. I wouldn't.

Am I still mad about the money?

No, I was just frustrated that I had to remind you.

Would I like to be friends again?

Yes very much so.

What do I want?

For us to forget what happened.

What do I fear?

That you've forgotten about me, that you never really cared.

Will I ever try to contact you again?

No, I promised you I wouldn't. That's why I'm writing here.

Why can't I just move on?

Because I have no clue how you felt or you feel. There's too many unanswered questions.

If you came back asked me to be with you, would I accept?

I don't know, but probably not. I feel I'd just drag you down.

That's it that's everything.

I have always hated the beach. I never enjoy the sun . There's disgusting crap thrown around. It's usually crowded, and there's people making a racket and acting the fool.

But now I'd give anything to be sitting on the beach with you again. Looking at the sea at night. Slightly buzzed from drinking that cheap shit. Just talking. Being comfortable.

I've thought about going back on my own. But there's no point going without you. It wouldn't be as nice on my own, just painful.

I know you will never read these messages, but a part of me hopes that you do. And if there's one thing I want you to understand, it's that I still care about you, and what we had still matters to me. Not in an obsessive way. Just pain that I'm not ready to let go of yet.

And if you're too scared to reach out: just like a message or something. I'll know. Until then I'll keep my promise to you.

I know that between us I have much more to be sorry for and I take full responsibility for my actions. I should've stepped back. I had a chance to stop you kissing me but I didn't. I didn't want to. I should've been braver, had more self-control. And I should've looked you in the eye when we went our separate ways. I should've been more gracious and used my words better. I know I tried to do right in the end but if I accidentally hurt you then , I'm so so sorry.

You made mistakes too, but you already know what they are. If I hadn't made it clear I forgave them ages ago. But sometimes I'm afraid that you're spiraling in your own mind. I hope that you've forgotten about me, that you're moving forward. A selfish part of me, the part that refuses to let go, hopes you'll reach out, and that you still care for me.

I hope that things are going well for you and that you meet someone new, someone better, and that when we meet again you are glad to see me, unaware of the pain that's sure to be inside me at that moment.

For the little that it's worth, I did love you....I still love you.

I hope you love yourself.

I'm trying and failing to love myself right now.

Take care,

I know that between us I have much more to be sorry for and I take full responsibility for my actions. I should've stepped back. I had a chance to stop you kissing me but I didn't. I didn't want to. I should've been braver, had more self-control. And I should've looked you in the eye when we went our separate ways. I should've been more gracious and used my words better. I know I tried to do right in the end but if I accidentally hurt you then , I'm so so sorry.

You made mistakes too, but you already know what they are. If I hadn't made it clear I forgave them ages ago. But sometimes I'm afraid that you're spiraling in your own mind. I hope that you've forgotten about me, that you're moving forward. A selfish part of me, the part that refuses to let go, hopes you'll reach out, and that you still care for me.

I hope that things are going well for you and that you meet someone new, someone better, and that when we meet again you are glad to see me, unaware of the pain that's sure to be inside me at that moment.

For the little that it's worth, I did love you....I still love you.

I hope you love yourself.

I'm trying and failing to love myself right now.

Take care,

Someone asked me what I want for an upcoming birthday.

I didn't answer cuz all I could think of was a text from you...😞

I wish you would reach out. Tell me you're doing ok, that.you miss me, or hate me, or have moved on. That your exams went well. That things are getting better. That you'd even just add me back on Instagram.

It's been almost a year, and I can get through most days. But there are moments when I'm alone in silence and my mind goes through the memories, thinking what I could've done better, what I should have said. Thinking about what could have been or what should be if we never went there. And sometimes I can't help thinking about what would happen if we actually got together. Worrying about what you feel or how you think of me, and more importantly yourself.

I would never force myself into your life, and I promised I'd stop bothering you. There's no point in wishing for something that can never be. But I do wish you felt you could at least talk to me.

Would you want to forget?

Or have you already forgotten?

I'm doing a lot better rn. There's been a couple of days that I haven't thought about you at all.

I don't think I'll ever really understand how I feel until next time we're face to face but I know that even if you hate me I can move forward with my life.

I hope you're doing okay, I still worry sometimes. I know you hate when people say things like that but it's better than no one caring.

If you ever want to talk, just reach out. I know you won't but you can.

Take care,