u/NishinoyaWife

Hello guys,

I am 21(F) in college, I should be a Senior but I am 15 credits behind on my degree. This will be relevant later.

All my life, my parents have worked overtime to make sure me and my siblings had a good life. So I never saw them much. But I always had food, shelter, and clothes which I am very grateful for.

But taking care of me and my siblings stresses my parents out a lot. They work double shifts all the time, so they hardly sleep. They have other family members to support about so even though they seem to be making more than enough, they do struggle financially.

Because of how busy and stressed I am used to my being, I grew up never needing or asking for help. I did a majority of things by myself. I felt bad asking for my parents for help because they work hard enough, and I don’t want to set them back. So when I was 16 I pretty much started supporting myself financially. I bought my school supplies, clothes, phone bill, food, transportation, anything I needed, and some stuff for my younger siblings as well so they to alleviate some of the stress they had. I even took care of any calls my parents need to make, making appointments for me and my younger siblings myself.

So I conditioned myself into believing that if I ever had to lean on my parents, or anyone for support, I would pretty much be a burden. And I did my best not to be a burden. I never asked for help, because when I would, I was always met with complaints. I never cried in front of people, or shared my struggles, because when I would, I was dismissed or made fun of. And I didn’t enjoy the feeling of either.

Entering college, this fucked me up severely. Especially because I was undiagnosed with ADHD and Depression (I am now). I never asked for help and my grades suffered tremendously. There wasn’t a semester I didn’t fail a class. I bottled up my feelings inside making my depression worse. And not exceeding the way I knew I could, alone, worsened my self-esteem. And to try and regain my self esteem, I would push myself harder, and harder, and harder. Increasing my prospects of failing and worsening isolation. I never felt content with my achievements, and I always felt worse when I failed. So boom, I developed self sabotaging methods.

I got academically suspended this upcoming semester and I am ashamed of myself. I’m not going to graduate with my friends. My parents are disappointed in me because now they have to pay for one extra semester. And I’ve let myself down, tremendously.

This summer, I’ve started therapy, taking medication for ADHD and Depression. I’m not sure if there has been progress because I still feel bad about myself and my circumstances. But I hope I will get better and live a less hopeless life soon.

I deeply regret not getting help sooner because this could’ve all been avoided, and I would be less disappointed in myself. When it got to the point where I couldn’t hide my struggles any longer, I could stop crying. TW >!I was having suicidal thoughts, and hitting myself all night!< that day. I have never ever felt so low in my life, and I never want to feel that low again.

Unrelated but, I’ve had other events contributing to my depression. I lost my pet this in July. I’m in debt that I am worried about and my credit score is bad. I had an unofficial job someone I trusted told me I had, and would be reimbursed for. I worked 2 weeks and then was told I couldn’t work anymore, no reimbursement. And I failed both summer classes I took this semester because I keep shutting down instead of asking for help. I’m always disappointed in myself, but I am trying.

I am hopeful for better days, but I’m scared because there is not set duration on when the better days will come. I know I will endure because I know people love me and care about me. As narcissistic as it sounds, people would be sad if I was gone, and I would never want to put that pain on anyone. And the only reason I have (TW) >!suicidal!< thoughts is because I no longer want to deal with my problems, but I know in due time they will go away. So I just have to live through this.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for reading. I have no one to share this with.

A few months ago, I (21F, but was 20) almost hu with a 31M. I wanted to date older because I heard older guys did it better. But I was scared bc he was much older and i thought his penis might’ve looked bad😭. I have friends few months younger than me who’ve actually done age gap hook ups and recommended it. So I threw myself out there, but I guess it really wasn’t for me.

He was a very handsome man though, but he lived a sad life. I could tell he was hoping for more than just a hu, so I would’ve felt bad hu with him.

I let him kiss me though and it wasn’t too bad.

I’m still curious to know whether or not older ppl do it better, but I’m to scared, so I guess I’ll find out when I’n older🫩

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