Only 5 sessions in and this is changing my life
Its been only been a month and a half since I started EMDR. Initially I was so skeptical of the changes I was seeing because how could it work so fast?
I grew up with a lot of family violence, parents who were abusive both emotionally and physically, dad who was violent towards my mom and me (and my sibling) and mom who took it out on us as well. I didn't know what I was dealing with was abuse because it was so normal. It wasn't until I grew intensely su*cidal and depressed at 17 (CPTSD) that I began to put the dots together and realized how bad it was. Attempted many times. Retraumatized during Covid when I was locked in with my family. I also made a lot of bad choices in my 20s that added to my mental illness. In my mid-20s I slightly improved but still lived with a lot of dissociation and hypervigilance.
My hypervigilance was so bad I couldn't share an apartment with someone without being constantly triggered by my roommate's footsteps or the sound of them opening a box in the kitchen or just existing. Anyone in my emotional or physical proximity scared me. Relationships felt terrifying, animals and pets scared me too. PMS made me su*cidal every month. The smallest and biggest challenges could throw me off easily. I had a lot of desire to be creative and make stuff, but felt so trapped in my body. I'd just wake up everyday waiting for it to pass, and be "on" only when I had to leave my apartment.
After my first EMDR session I basically started being creative every single day. I have mostly good days now, and I feel alive and stable even when there are issues to deal with. I have SO much creative energy, I basically ended up making an entire jewellery collection in a month (never did that before). I started drawing, going for walks everyday, listening to birds and taking photographs. I still feel all sorts of emotions - sad, happy, annoyed, bored etc. - but it doesn't feel like chaos. I could feel sad over something that happened for a bit and then move on have a really good day. I am not triggered by loud sounds anymore (I used to get triggered by the sound of the wind LOL)
Obviously the process itself has not been totally easy. There were sessions where I cried, sessions that left me with some grief or fatigue. I'm still adjusting to not feeling low most of the time, and it's still a strange new feeling. But my hypervigilance is tuned down and I feel so much better. Overall this is probably the best thing I've done for my mental health. I like myself and I like my life, even its not perfect. I am almost 30 but I feel like child looking at the world through fresh eyes. I have a long, long way to go and I'm so excited.