u/NoAppointment4814

All my life I’ve dealt with major difficulties in relationships. Lots of anxiety and tension. A lot was always that any sign of them being at all upset with me or not happy meant they were realizing they don’t love me anymore. Always worried that people would leave me.

I spent about 7 years basically single from 21-28 before dating again. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3years. I lived in her house. Lots of screaming at me and calling me names often around whether i was showing her enough attraction or not. Or that i was fantasizing of other women. During this for a lot of it i was just scared of her leaving me it wasn’t until over 2years in that i woke up in panic and couldn’t get out of my head of maybe she’s right maybe i don’t find her attractive enough she has gained some weight maybe i should leave but i don’t want to i don’t want to be a lone. This went on for months until finally the abuse got so bad i had no choice but to leave from a blow up.

Shortly after that while still getting back on my feet i met my current GF. I told myself i would be careful but she was cool and kind. We talked for a month before our first date but soon after that i was seeing her every weekend. Withing 7 months i asked her to move in with me because i was so happy i felt such a strong connection. I knew from so much learning about love and relationships while worrying about my last one i knew what i wanted. Every Sunday we would take a moment to talk about the relationship and anything we felt needed to be talked about. We would talk things out so well. I would still get anxious when she would get upset but i was beginning to learn to accept that she could be upset hell even upset with me and that she could still love me. (I think I’ve always struggled with being upset with people and partners.) i would also get worried when seeing other attractive women

Starting in December things started getting really stressful at work between shitty coworkers and a stressful workload.
Well come Christmas Day we are getting ready to go to my family for Christmas and she suddenly is in a flustered anxious mood with her own OCD about getting ready and her outfit not being right and I get anxious with her being upset and my mind goes “Can i keep doing this” and i panic a bit and then it stays in the back of my mind. On the way home from dinner we’re talking and i don’t even remember how it was but it comes up that i felt that way. She gets a little worried and i begin a major panic attack that leads to me having to pull over and her having to drive me home.

Well since then I’ve spiraled. First wondering if everything is right and then it shifted into do i find her attractive enough and getting anxious when i see other women i find attractive. And other than a few random days of feeling really ok ive been stuck in my head everyday for 4 months feeling separated from her and feeling so awful. So afraid to hurt her if i were to leave her. I’m looking to start ERP soon. I’ve been trying medication and reevaluating that now. I just want to hear for now hell even if it is reassurance that others have gone through this and that i will be better.
ERP is so scary in concept.

I feel so activated and tense with panics i cannot break. I don’t cry easily in public but i find myself on the verge of crying at work th last two days. I know I’ve been sick a taking NyQuil and stuff i don’t think that should do this. I have talk therapy today but I’m very scared. I’m at the life is collapsing around me stage again. I’m at the I’d do anything to make it stop stage. I don’t want to feel this way. Is the med wrong? I’ve been on it before in the past but times were bad for me then (abusive relationship) so maybe i didn’t notice the side effects an i chalked them up to that. I don’t know.

Edit: i took my .5 Ativan this morning and it hasn’t helped.