What the title says - i’ve been doing a lot of femming it up while detransitioning during these first 6ish months. but today i wanted to feel a little less girly i guess. but still worried about looking like a man. so please im hoping to get some honest opinions and tips/tricks with being able to appear like a tomboy / dyke lesbian vs a lil tboy lmao.
1st side by side from right before i started detransitioning and now. 2nd another pic from the hayley williams concert the other day :). 3rd a pic from a cute outfit that me a year ago would never have worn plus straightening my hair to see how long its gotten! 4th a pic from me yesterday at work, FINALLY hearing customers use she her pronouns for me and calling me miss/ma’am. (granted i do work as a barista and there’s a large number of trans&queer people in my field lol so it’s possible people were just being nice and maybe assuming i’m mtf?)
overall i’m just really happy that 6 months in im starting to get gendered as a woman. i’m trying to be patient with my hair growth and with my face starting to change (im sure not much will happen with my face but im interested to see over time).
i’m reflecting on my experience and really it’s just so wild where im at now versus just 6 months ago. i’ve been fighting the Detransitioning label this entire process and i don’t know why. shame maybe? fear of what people will think? i don’t even really know how i identify? i know i want people out in the world to think im a woman, but i don’t even know if i feel like one? i just KNOW i don’t feel like a man and being viewed as one makes me very uncomfortable. a friend of mine said i could be “retransitioning” lol. which does feel a little less extreme but i might just be holding so much fear and shame that im blinded by it all.
i’m really enjoying my partner calling me their girlfriend, my close friends have started using she/they pronouns for me which feels really wonderful.
im wondering if i am going to stay exploring femininity or if once im passing as a woman more maybe ill swing back into butch lesbian territory? i grew up a tomboy and thats always felt comfortable to me, masculinity but as a female. so im curious if that will be the case once i have more success no longer being viewed as a man.
sometimes i feel defeated when i think about gender and this entire experience. i get mad when i think “why do i have to try so hard just to look like what i am biologically?” and i remember it was ME who altered my appearance and im the one to blame. but then i get mad at my toxic ex when i was a teenager who kept telling me “if youre not a girl you have to be a boy!”. or mad at my dad when i told him i was trans and he said “no you’re not!” and i felt like i had to prove him wrong. sometimes i feel exhausted at playing dress up or “trying to pass” because its been so many years since ive had to do that it’s like my late teens/early twenties all over again. what i would kill to go back in time and tell myself that i can be a masculine woman, enjoy being a dyke and a tomboy!! i’d kill to just be a beautiful butch woman in the lesbian community.
anyways, this was a combination of ranting and timeline and brain dump and excitement for the future. thanks for reading!
hoping to gain some more fullness back overtime but i’m happy with how long my hair has gotten, i feel so impatient but looking at side by side helps!
i’ve been really struggling during the awkward hair growth phase, and with the hair loss i had on T over the past few years. but today i’m celebrating the small win of putting my hair up and it fully filling out my claw clip.
does anybody take biotin or use any other products to help with hair growth / hair loss?