u/NoElevator5536

To give some context: The other night, I was on FaceTime with one of my good friends whom I haven't spoken to in like a month, and we planned to hang out soon. I was in the middle of talking about my hair dye (because I was dying my hair while on the phone) when they said, " I've missed your voice" or something along those lines. I couldn't think of a response, so I just laughed and said, "Oh wow. Thank you! No one has said that to me before..." And continued to laugh it off. They responded, "No, like seriously." Like, oh okay... Our friendship is one where we can talk about things honestly, yet still have boundaries around certain topics. That is my fault. I played a bit too close to the sun in our junior year of high school, but things returned to an awkward normal, and it honestly turned into the new normal for us. They just don't show a lot of affection with me (I am the opposite; I am the most affectionate out of all my friends. I tell them I love them every day). I couldn't even get an "I miss you too", so to suddenly get "I've missed your voice" out of the blue felt like weird for me. It physically hurts to type this out because I have been pushing it down and praying, but I do like them, and I believe I like them quite a lot. I just feel like I am overthinking it all cause I want there to be something there, but also, like, I feel like something might be there despite it all. So, well. Oh well. Was it casual???

So last night, I was on FaceTime with one of my good friends whom I haven't spoken to in like a month, and we planned to hang out soon. I was in the middle of talking about my hair dye (because I was dying my hair while on the phone) when they said, " I've missed your voice" or something along those lines. I couldn't think of a response, so I just laughed and said, "Oh wow. Thank you! No one has said that to me before..." And continued to laugh it off. They responded, "No, like seriously." Like, oh okay... Our friendship is one where we can talk about things honestly, yet still have boundaries around certain topics. That is my fault. I played a bit too close to the sun in our junior year of high school, but things returned to an awkward normal, and it honestly turned into the new normal for us. They just don't show a lot of affection with me (I am the opposite; I am the most affectionate out of all my friends. I tell them I love them every day). I couldn't even get an "I miss you too", so to suddenly get "I've missed your voice" out of the blue felt like weird for me. And I would like to argue that "I've missed your voice" feels a little more intimate than just saying " I miss you". So, like, what is up? How do I approach this without being all weird? And I always make things weird with them. It physically hurts to type this out because I have been pushing it down and praying, but I do like them, and I believe I like them quite a lot. I just feel like I am overthinking it all cause I want there to be something there, but also, like, I feel like something might be there despite it all. So, well. Oh well.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety ( and diagnosed with depression my freshman year of high school) since I was in the 7th grade, and now I am entering my second year of college. Recently, I have noticed that my panic attacks are really bad and was wondering if I was truly having panic attacks or if it was something else. The first worsened after my grandfather passed away. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks. I have a therapist and have also seen multiple psychiatrists (dropped because of insurance changes and others for dismissiveness or rudeness). Still, every time I bring it up, I feel as though it goes unaddressed or just gets put to the side rather than discussed. I have no clue as to why, but I have tried bringing it up multiple times and changing the way I explain it (trying more details). I am at my wits' end and must figure out how to deal with it because nothing helps me. It usually happens when I am overwhelmed. It starts with crying, which turns into both crying and hyperventilating that last until I tire myself out. Sometimes, I scream if people are speaking to me, but it isn't on purpose. It's like I can't control myself. Then, I get really hot, like my body is on fire, and my chest gets really tight, which overwhelms me even more, which leads to me hitting myself. Most of the time, I punch myself in the head or slap myself. I recently started biting and scratching when I get like this. Sometimes it kinda helps ground me, but when that doesn't work, I start hitting myself harder over and over again without being able to stop myself. And this can all last for hours. I am inconsolable and unable to control my emotions, words, and sometimes my actions (usually the hitting). I am unsure if this is just anxiety or if it's something more. I just really need help figuring out what it is.