u/NoRadish4622

4 days ago I chose to euthanize my 12 year old, 80lb best friend.

We've been together 10 years. Through so many hardships together, just him, my cat and I. This year, we finally formed a family and I was so happy to see him enjoy time with children.

My boy was born with a club foot, so always struggled with mobility issues. But 2 weeks ago he suddenly lost his ability to get out of bed and use the stairs. I set up a potty area on the back porch since he couldn't use the stairs to go outside. I live in a top unit 2 story condo in a 3 story building and hauling him up and down the stairs was not an option. That is, until I got a special harness. Things seemed to be on the up and up after that. So what if I need to assist him up and down the stairs for the rest of his life?

Then he lost control of his bladder. Okay, diapers it is! I was taking him out every 3-4 hours and changing his diaper about twice a day. I was worried about the logistics once I returned to work in a month, but figured I'd worry about it when the time came.

A vet visit concluded elevated liver enzymes and a fever of 104F. The theory is that a liver tumor was pressing against his spine, but confirmation imaging was not worth it as I did not want to put him through surgery anyway.

Then he completely stopped eating meals. Over the course of about 4 weeks, he had started losing his appetite for regular food. First it was his kibble, same kibble he's had for years. Switched to wet food, he loved it. For 2 weeks. Added toppers. Loved it for a week. Switched to chicken. A few days. Then he would only eat special food. But even then, he eventually stopped eating cheese. Giving him his thyroid medicine, gabapentin, antibiotic and NSAID became almost impossible.

One night I took him out to pee, brought him back in to his bed before feeling something hot on my hand. He had diarrhea on me without his body even reacting. It was like he had no idea. I gave him his 5th sponge bath in the last week and brought him upstairs to bed.

That night, he cried all night. I got up so many times to reposition him, thinking he was stuck in an uncomfortable position. But he just kept crying. When we woke up in the morning, he refused to go down the stairs. Even with me supporting both his front and back legs. He was so scared. I could not get him outside of the bedroom. I feel like he was asking me to stop doing this.

I decided then that it was time. I couldn't set up a toilet for him upstairs. I couldn't continue to let him suffer through the night. As we waited for a home euthanasia, I would check his diaper only to find it dry. My boy hadn't peed in 20 hours by the time he passed., when he was barely able to hold 3-4 hours just a few days prior. He was probably in so much pain.

I held him as he passed. I still remember the feeling of his fur, and the despair when I watched his life force dissipate. And then the stethoscope confirming the words "He has passed". It took a long time for me to physically let him go. I even kissed his head as we put him into the back of the vet's van.

I've been an absolute mess the last few days. Sleeping for 14 hours. Not taking care of myself. I have yet to remove his bowls and pillows and harness and toys and... everything of his. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum with my head repeating over and over again "I want my doggy". I just can't believe he's gone. My home is too quiet. I feel like a part of my being is missing.