u/No_Common_123

I was reading a reddit thread about someone's experience with r/bpdlovedones and they prefaced saying their girlfriend has never been abusive, just spirals a lot that lead to suicidal thoughts. Then someone replied saying that's still abusive? I know using suicide to threaten or control someone else's behavior is abusive. But is simply being suicidal and expressing that because of some external factor actually abusive?? Like it's distressing for the partner, obviously, but abusive?

Hi all, I got a conditional offer for Queen's in Belfast! It's for the MSc program in Clinical Health Psychology. I was wondering if anyone had experience doing a master's course in Queen's, especially in psychology and if anyone had any insight on employability with a master's from here. I'm also a Republic Ireland resident and have an offer from Limerick for the Clinical and Community Psychology MSc. The long term goal is to eventually get the DClinPsych.

I'm posted this another sub reddit, just wanted to get some advice from people with BPD too.

For a while now I've been leaning toward not telling future partners about it if I get into another relationship.

I got diagnosed during my last relationship. My BPD showed up as feeling suicidal, being very emotional (I cried a lot), and a lot of anxiety and insecurities. My ex was really supportive through it, and I'll always be grateful for that.

We were arguing one time about a betrayal of his, and I made the point that there had been a lot of things in the relationship I'd just had to keep getting over and move forward from, and it was really starting to bother me. He replied with something like, "I'm not the only one fighting for this relationship. I didn't tell anyone you had BPD or that you were suicidal."

I'd shared that stuff with him because I thought it would help both of us. With the suicidal stuff specifically, he had actually wanted to tell his friends and family, basically everyone, and I had to beg him not to because it was so embarrassing for me. I would've been fine with him talking to one specific person for support. But during this argument, he used the fact that he hadn't told anyone as evidence that he was "fighting" for us. And then later, when we were actually breaking up, he cited me needing too much reassurance as a reason, even though the reason I needed reassurance was because of something he'd done.

The reason I was suicidal during the relationship wasn't anything to do with him. I was facing homelessness and also grieving my Dad. Since we broke up I've been pretty stable. I've done two cycles of DBT, I do a lot of self-reflection, I haven't been suicidal or self-harmed. I'm in my final year of college now and doing well.

I have a real problem with vulnerability now. The words he said in that argument still ring in my head, and the way he said it felt like information he was holding over me. Which sucks, because during the relationship I was actually very self-aware that my mental state could be a burden. I told him I worried about stressing him out, even said I'd thought about breaking up so I'd stop hurting him, and he was the one insisting he wanted me to rely on him and tell him when I needed reassurance. So I leaned in. And then it was thrown in my face.

I've talked to friends about this and they generally said it would be good to disclose to a future partner, informed consent and all that. And fine, I get it. I don't mind saying I've struggled with feeling suicidal, with self-harm, with depression. What I don't want to do is use the label BPD, because people attach so many assumptions to it.

A friend made a point that really clicked for me. If you're in a relationship with someone with BPD and you do something genuinely awful, like cheat on them, and there are ongoing problems in the relationship because of that thing you did, you can break up with them and just tell people "they had BPD" and there will be no further inquiry into what you actually did. The BPD label can absolve the other person of any wrongdoing.

I also just have a thing about narrative control, I suppose. I really don't want to be presented in a way that gives people a shorthand to dismiss me. When I was that vulnerable with my ex, it was a huge deal for me, and I'm not downplaying that it was stressful for him too, I know it was. But it was a big deal for me because I'd normally never let myself be that vulnerable, precisely because I'm so afraid of it being used against me. And then it kind of was, even if only adjacently.

I don't even fit a lot of the BPD stereotypes. I've never split. I don't experience having a favorite person.

So I don't know how to proceed. How does vulnerability look in a relationship where it can be blamed on, or summed up by, your mental illness? I want to be open and honest, but I struggle with being so honest that someone could use just the name of my diagnosis against me. "She had depression" or "she struggled with suicidal thoughts" doesn't come with the same slew of assumptions. "She had BPD" does a lot of work without anyone having to elaborate on what either party actually did.

Maybe I just need to let go of needing narrative control. Or maybe I should stick with never saying I have BPD. I genuinely don't know. A lot of my shame around BPD came purely from the internet. When I first got diagnosed I was actually relieved, because I finally had a name for what I was going through. Then I went online and started seeing these communities, and so much of what was being said didn't align with me at all, but I still ended up feeling deeply ashamed of the diagnosis itself.

For a while I've been leaning toward not telling people I'm involved with that I have BPD

I got diagnosed during my last relationship. My BPD mainly showed up as being suicidal and that was triggered bc I was facing homelessness and grieving my Dad. I was also very depressed. My ex was really supportive through it which I'll always be grateful for.

We were arguing one time about a betrayal of his, and I made the point that there had been a lot of things in the relationship I'd just had to keep getting over and move forward from, and it was really starting to bother me. He replied with something like, "I'm not the only one fighting for this relationship. I didn't tell anyone you had BPD or that you were suicidal."

And that really hurt. I'd shared that stuff with him because I thought it would help both of us. With the suicidal stuff specifically, he had actually wanted to tell his friends and family, basically everyone, and I had to beg him not to because it was so embarrassing for me. I would've been fine with him talking to one specific person for support. But during this argument, he used the fact that he hadn't told anyone as evidence that he was "fighting" for us. And then later, when we were actually breaking up, he cited me needing too much reassurance as a reason, even though the reason I needed reassurance was because of the thing he had done.

The reason I was suicidal during the relationship wasn't anything to do with him. It was some problems at home that filled me with shame and anxiety. Since we broke up I've been pretty stable. I've done two cycles of DBT, I do a lot of self-reflection, I haven't been suicidal or self-harmed. I'm in my final year of college now and doing well.

I have a real problem with vulnerability now. The words he said in that argument still ring in my head, and the way he said it felt like information he was holding over me. Which sucks, because during the relationship I was actually very self-aware that my mental state could be a burden. I told him I worried about stressing him out, even said I'd thought about breaking up so I'd stop hurting him, and he was the one insisting he wanted me to rely on him and tell him when I needed reassurance. So I leaned in. And then it was thrown in my face.

I've talked to friends about this and they generally said it would be good to disclose to a future partner, informed consent and all that. And fine, I get it. My hesitation is that I don't mind saying I've struggled with feeling suicidal or depression. What I don't want to do is use the label BPD, because people attach so many assumptions to it.

A friend made a point that really clicked for me. If you're in a relationship with someone with BPD and you do something genuinely awful, like cheat on them, and there are ongoing problems in the relationship because of that thing you did, you can break up with them and just tell people "they had BPD" and there will be no further inquiry into what you actually did. The BPD label can absolve the other person of any wrongdoing.

I also just have a thing about narrative control I suppose. I really don't want to be presented in a way that gives people a shorthand to dismiss me. When I was that vulnerable with my ex, it was a huge deal for me, and I'm not downplaying that it was stressful for him too, I know it was. But it was a big deal for me because I'd normally never let myself be that vulnerable, precisely because I'm so afraid of it being used against me. And then it kind of was, even if only adjacently. I don't even fit a lot of the BPD stereotypes. I've never split. I don't experience having a favorite person. And I definitely don't care to be prioritised all the time in a relationship.

So I don't know how to proceed. How does vulnerability look in a relationship where it can be blamed on, or summed up by, your mental illness? I want to be open and honest, but I struggle with being so honest that someone could use just the name of my diagnosis against me. "She had depression" or "she struggled with suicidal thoughts" doesn't come with the same slew of assumptions. "She had BPD" does a lot of work without anyone having to elaborate on what either party actually did.

Maybe I just need to let go of needing narrative control. Or maybe I should stick with never saying I have BPD. I genuinely don't know. A lot of my shame around BPD came purely from the internet. When I first got diagnosed I was actually relieved, because I finally had a name for what I was going through. Then I went online and started seeing these communities, and so much of what was being said didn't align with me at all, but I still ended up feeling deeply ashamed of the diagnosis itself.