very new and struggling with my identity/dysphoria
This is my first ever reddit post. I'm really not sure who I can personally talk to about this, so I thought posting here is the best option.
I, an 18 y.o AMAB from the UK, have recently been experiencing what I believe to be dysphoria for the first time. This started with watching The Amazing Digital Circus finale, and resonating a lot with Jax as a character. Yes, I know there's a lot of differing opinions on her (the writing obviously isn't perfect) and she's probably the easiest thing to hate on the internet at the moment, but after watching the finale and realising that this is the experience of a heavily repressed trans women, I couldn't deny to myself that there were a lot of traits and experiences that I connected with, to the point where I was actually tearing up during some parts. After all of that, I think I'm experiencing some kind of snowball effect, feeling very conflicted on who I am and who I want to be. To put it simply, I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and I have been for a long time now. I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm just looking to see if what I'm feeling is valid and find out where I can go from here.
I have been reading the dysphoria bible and I've related to a lot of things said in it. I heavily relate to the social dysphoria aspect. I tend to feel quite uncomfortable talking one on one with friends, all of them being cis men, and feel like I'm performing in front of them. I constantly have this voice in the back of my mind saying 'do they like me?' or 'am I doing good?' whenever I'm trying to keep up a conversation. I usually prefer when we're in a group as I can just provide my input when I feel like it, but I still feel a sense of being performative and anxiety. When it comes to physical dysphoria, there are little things that bring me discomfort. I don't like facial hair, and I'd preferably have significantly less on my body. I wish my skin felt softer. I've never really been upset with how my body looks, aside from if anyone has pointed it out to me, as I have a much skinnier build, much closer in similarity to my sister rather than my brother, both of whom are much older than me.
But, when I think to myself about the hypothetical question 'If you could, would you wake up the next day as a woman?', I'm very hesitant to give a clear answer. I don't have the thoughts of 'I HATE being a guy and I've been cursed of it since birth' and strong feelings like that, and I don't really have desires to wake up with the physical characteristics of a woman, which is why I've been having so much trouble thinking about it. Do I just want to be a more feminine presenting guy, or do I truly wish to transition? Maybe that's something that comes much further down the line. I just hope this makes sense to people and I could get some help to better formulate my thoughts.
Finally, if things do come to fruition in one way or another, I really don't like thinking about how my life will change and how the people around me will react. I feel like family and friends will tolerate me at best, and I'd be the butt of the joke at family gatherings at worst. I currently work at a bar, and I dread to think of the things people will say to me. I already get comments about cutting my hair because I haven't for at least a year and a half, and I don't want to go back to anything really short. I don't wanna leave this job, but I feel like there will be consequences to this. Maybe I'm just thinking of the worst possible outcome, but it does feel like this won't be for the better in terms of my future, even if I do end up feeling better in myself, all due to the environment I'm in.
That's all I have to say for now. I'm happy to answer any questions. I just hope I can get some support, advice, literally anything, as these feelings are all very new to me. (for whatever reason I feel quite anxious to post this)