I wanna get better (in some parts at least)
I (30M) just recently learned about this. Already familiar with schizophrenia and schizoid personality disorder due to pop psych appearing in my fyp from time to time. But for the longest time, I always thought I might have just undiagnosed ADHD and social anxiety for my weird hyperfixation on various topics that any normal people wouldn't touch and being neurotic to be put in social situations where I have to tell people what I enjoy outside of work, respectively. My only experience with a mental healthcare professional is with a psychotherapist (which was wrong btw, psychologist first b4 them) where I told him my struggle and the session was so embarrassing because I felt like he saw me being Jaden Smith being pretentious and performative how deep and mysterious I am. Hence, it's been two years since that incident.
Now it's concerning me. It's like I'm positive in all symptoms of Schizotypal PD.
Having strange beliefs:
I consider myself a Hermeticist. Basically a spiritual alchemist. I believe that I have the power (and others as well) to weave the fabric of reality with thoughts. But I do it with some items and ritual. When I'm riding my motorcycle I say "vincere" so that I don't get into accident. When I'm around people I'm visualizing myself having an aura to prevent contamination by cleansing myself continually. I used to be carrying a labradorite crystal with me which is bathed in monthly in full moon and I put into my crown of the head to heighten my intuition (accidentally broke it, so it has now powers anymore). And so much more. And it can be really disappointing for me if things don't go my way. I just need more training.
Uncomfortable with people:
Paranoia. I can sense vibes. I have this feeling that I know if people are talking about me negatively. I have pattern recognition for that. That's why I isolate myself. And my coworkers are uncomfortable having me around because I act like this too. But I just hate inauthentic people and those giving snide remarks. Sometimes when I'm alone I'm being approached by one of them for a pep talk, telling me to socialize or have some sense of companionship. Reminding me that those behaviors are normal in a group and I just have to ride it, not take those seriously. As much as I hate making excuses but I grew up in an environment where I have to pay attention to subtle microexpressions or else I'll get myself in trouble.
Cognitive impairments:
Sometimes if I zoned out, I feel like the things I'm staring at is expanding and the space behind it is warping, but not exaggerated. It's slow and almost unnoticeable at first unless I concentrate.
There's many to mention but I don't want to lengthen the post than it already is. I wanna seek help even though I think it's cringe to do so. Honestly, there's side of me that wants to get a diagnosis for this because it will be easier for me to attack the enemy if they get named. And access to big-pharma approved drugs (I hate them but I have to). Also, in our country, we get 20% discount on any purchase to those people with disability including mental. What a waste right?
However, if I seek help for this, it'll be like I'm admitting to myself that I am the problem. Not the people around me or the environment. We live in a society™ that is so fucked up that anxiety and depression is simply the normal reaction to it and yet we are expecting to adapt?? We all know the root cause for this but the SYSTEM is actually designed that it's too late to overhaul it now. So here I am in my own silly world, trying to affect only on what's within my control. Struggling to control my thoughts because it's getting harder to have access to acid and shrooms. Fml
So yea, how should I raise this concern to an expert without sounding like a poser? If I do get access to those meds, am I going to lose my whimsy?