u/No_Individual_2039

Hi all,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He’s been divorced for almost 6 years. We got a house together and have been in it for almost 3. He has 3 kids, 20 (M), 18 (F), 11 (M). The oldest son has lived with my boyfriend for the past 5 years and the other two kids are one week with us and one week with their mom. Since I’ve been with my boyfriend, I’ve been around his ex wife numerous times and never had any confrontation with her, but we also don’t really speak to each other.
She’s been to our house for multiple events (Halloween, kids birthdays, graduation parties). Shes never been over for thanksgiving or Christmas up until this last Christmas when her daughter invited her at the last minute (the kids spent Christmas Eve and all of Christmas morning with her like they do every year, so it’s not like they hadn’t seen her yet, and it was our week to have the kids) and her dad had no choice but to say yes (all of her family lives up north but she does have a fiancee who lives here in town, although they aren’t engaged anymore). So, she shows up and all of my boyfriend’s family is over as well as my mother and grandmother. My family has never met his ex wife so this was the first interaction.
Long story short she caused drama because my boyfriends mother said “let Grammy (my grandma, this is what I call her and this is what my boyfriends mom calls her too, just because she wants to and she’s a sweet lady who loves everyone) and Jennifer (my mom) go first to get food” while she(ex wife) and her youngest son were near the front of the line. I’m not sure why my boyfriend’s mom said this, maybe because they’re the guests of the house (it was my moms first time meeting most of these people) or they’re older women, not sure. Anyways, ex wife said “that’s not his Grammy, I can’t believe this, I’m so heated (while fanning herself with a plate). Mind you, I’ve never once overstepped a boundary by introducing my mother or grandmother as anything except their names to the kids. I don’t except them to call me mom, or my family anything.
So, ex wife made me and my family very uncomfortable in my own house. We were shocked. No one said anything to her. Then she proceeds to clean up the kitchen and put food away (as if this was her house) and was the last person to leave that day.
After that encounter with her, I spoke to my boyfriend and explained she was not welcome over for holidays and not really welcome over here at all because she completely overstepped the boundaries.
Now fast forward, his daughter is graduating at the end of the month, her grandparents (mom’s parents) are flying into town. They have plans to take her out to dinner to celebrate. So we decided we wanted to have a small get together at our house with friends and family the day after graduation to celebrate. Is it wrong that I don’t want to invite my boyfriend’s ex wife? I understand this is her daughter but they already have plans with her side of the family. Is it so wrong to have a get together at our house without the ex? I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend agreed we wouldn’t invite her but her daughter mentioned something to her already.
Obviously it’s not the end of the world if she comes but she doesn’t respect our relationship or our space and I feel very uncomfortable having her over now…
I feel like boundaries need to be set with her because there’s no reason she should have felt so comfortable in our house to do all of those things on Christmas and my family agrees with me. I also come from divorced parents who hated each other and did everything separate so I’m glad they are on good terms but I do not think every event we have, that the ex wife needs to come and I think that the kids are the ones inviting her, not my boyfriend. So maybe my boyfriend needs to speak with the kids?