u/No_Prize_5484

I’m wondering if anyone here has been in a similar situation and can tell me how things turned out for you.

I already have a young daughter who I love more than anything. I’m a single mom and her primary parent, and as much as I wouldn’t change having her for anything, it is HARD. We currently live with my parents, I recently got laid off, and I’m still trying to rebuild my career and get to a more stable place in my life.

I recently found out I was pregnant while in an unhealthy/on-and-off relationship. There were a lot of factors that went into my decision to have an abortion, but one of the biggest was that I couldn’t imagine potentially ending up in the same situation I’m already in — except this time with two young children.

I know what pregnancy, the baby stage and being the primary parent actually require now. The thought of going through pregnancy and starting over with a newborn while also taking care of a toddler, especially if I ended up doing most of it alone again, terrified me.
The complicated part is that I’ve always wanted more children. I’ve always wanted a family. I wasn’t choosing between “I want another child” and “I don’t want another child.” It felt more like I was choosing whether I could have another child right now, under these circumstances.

And I knew these weren’t the circumstances I wanted.
If things had worked out differently with my daughter’s father and I’d had a stable relationship and family, I probably would have wanted another baby right around this time. I always liked the idea of my children being fairly close in age.

That’s one of the things making me really sad now. I keep thinking about my daughter having a sibling close in age and imagining what that could have looked like. I wonder about the baby I could have had and whether somehow I could have made everything work.

But then I have to remind myself: that imaginary stable family wasn’t my reality. My reality was that I’m already raising a toddler primarily on my own, living with my parents, recently unemployed, and pregnant by someone with whom I did not have a healthy or secure relationship. I didn’t want to knowingly put myself in a position where I could end up doing this alone all over again, only this time with two little kids depending on me.

I still feel really sad about it, though. I’m also almost 35, so there’s this additional fear in the back of my mind of, What if that was my chance? What if I don’t meet someone and get to have another baby later?
I think that’s one of the hardest parts. I didn’t want to close the door on having another child. I wanted to wait to walk through that door under better circumstances.

Has anyone else had an abortion while already raising a baby/toddler as a single mom because you knew you couldn’t handle another child under your current circumstances?

Did you eventually meet someone, build a healthier/stable relationship, and have another child later?
I’d especially love to hear from anyone who was in their mid-30s when they made that decision. I think I just need to hear that choosing not to have this baby right now didn’t necessarily mean giving up my chance to have the family I’ve always wanted someday.

I had an abortion very recently at around 7 weeks, and I’m struggling much more emotionally than I expected. I’m hoping to hear from people who have experienced similar feelings afterward.

When I found out I was pregnant, I felt very sure that I couldn’t have another baby right now. I already have a 2-year-old daughter who I am the primary parent of, and her pregnancy and the first couple years of parenting were incredibly difficult. The thought of going through pregnancy again while simultaneously raising a toddler felt overwhelming.

I’m also rebuilding my career and trying to become more financially independent. Another baby right now would have completely changed the direction of my life.

The relationship situation made everything even more complicated.

The father and I have been in an on/off relationship for about a year. We love each other, but he has struggled tremendously with knowing what he wants.
The last time we got back together, I specifically told him I would only try again if he genuinely saw the potential for a future together. He told me he did. We talked about marriage, what living together might look like, and even potentially having a baby someday.
Then, only 2–3 weeks later, someone asked him if he could see himself with me in five years and he immediately said no. He broke up with me and told me he didn’t see a future together.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

I remember thinking that I absolutely could not risk ending up as a single mother of two young children, potentially navigating two different co-parenting situations. I couldn’t make such a huge decision based on hoping that our relationship would eventually become stable.

At the same time, this wasn’t a situation where raising another child would have been financially impossible. He owns a home, makes very good money, and has family who likely would have been extremely involved and helpful.

But I didn’t have the security of knowing that I had a stable partner who was choosing a life with me.
So I had the abortion.

And now that it’s over, I’m having thoughts I genuinely wasn’t expecting.

I miss the pregnancy. I’ve wondered who the baby would have been. I keep imagining the possibility that maybe we could have figured everything out. I’ve caught myself wishing the abortion somehow didn’t work, even though I know that’s extremely unlikely.
The father is grieving too. He has told me that he loves me and that maybe we could have made having a child work someday, but that right now wasn’t the right time.

And hearing that somehow hurts even more.
Part of me wishes that when I became pregnant, he had said, “This wasn’t planned and the timing isn’t good, but I love you, I want a future with you, and we’ll figure this out together.”

I don’t mean that I wanted him to pressure me into continuing a pregnancy. Ultimately it was my decision. I think I just desperately wish the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy had been different.
I knew logically why I was having the abortion. I knew another pregnancy and baby would be extremely difficult right now. I knew my relationship wasn’t stable enough to build such a huge decision around.
But now my brain keeps showing me the best possible version of what could have happened instead — us somehow working things out, raising the baby together, his family helping, and everything eventually being okay.

And I can’t know whether that would actually have happened.

I think I’m grieving more than just the pregnancy. I’m grieving the baby that could have existed, the relationship and family I wanted us to eventually have, and this imaginary version of my life where the circumstances had been different and I could have felt happy about being pregnant.

I’m also realizing that I probably need to finally end this relationship for good. He has admitted that he doesn’t know what he wants and maybe needs to be single for a while to figure that out. I love him deeply, but I can’t keep building my life around the possibility that someday he’ll be ready to build one with me.
I just didn’t expect all of these feelings to hit me afterward.

For anyone who chose an abortion because you genuinely believed it was the right decision at the time but experienced grief, regret, or “what if” thoughts afterward — did it get easier?
How did you stop idealizing the life that might have happened if you’d made the other choice?

And is it possible to eventually reach a place where you can miss the pregnancy and grieve what could have been without feeling like that means you made the wrong decision?