u/No_Resort1659

I’m looking for advice, support, or even just to hear from people who’ve been through something similar because I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m struggling with my co-parenting situation with my son’s father, and emotionally I don’t know how to keep doing this.

For some background, my son’s father wasn’t involved until our son was about 2.5 years old. He’s 4 now. We started with mediation, where I had primary care and his dad slowly worked up from short visits to longer stays. Eventually he decided he didn’t want to continue mediation, so everything went through lawyers instead.

I want to be completely honest because I know my past matters in this story.

Last summer, my son went on the longest visit he’d ever had with his dad. I had spent the first 2.5 years of his life as a single mom, and my entire identity revolved around being his mom. Being away from him that long absolutely broke me. During that time I started using drugs. I recognized I had a problem, admitted it to everyone, and checked myself into rehab. I got sober, completed treatment, and since then I’ve taken weekly drug tests. I have never failed one.

Despite staying sober and doing everything I possibly can to prove that, my past addiction became a major factor in our custody case.

Now we have joint legal custody, but his dad has primary physical custody.

Until school starts, I get two weeks with my son every 60 days. We alternate holidays, and I get seven weeks in the summer. Because he’ll be starting kindergarten, I won’t have more than those two-week visits until 2028.

It’s devastating.

I’m staying sober because my son deserves that, and I’m proud of that. But every day feels like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive.

I only get two FaceTime calls each week. Lately those calls have become really difficult. His dad now has a wife another young child. During our calls the younger child often grabs the phone or iPad and runs away, making it almost impossible to have a conversation. I politely asked if they could help minimize those interruptions, but they became defensive and basically told me no. They also refuse to be flexible with the call schedule, even when work occasionally makes it impossible for me to make the exact time they chose.

What scares me most is that if I have to miss a call because of work, I worry they’re telling my son that I just didn’t call. I never want him to think I don’t want to talk to him.

Recently my son has also started having significant behavioral problems at daycare. He’s apparently being sent home multiple times a week, is close to being expelled, and is on a behavioral contract.

The heartbreaking part is that he’s reportedly told adults that he acts out because he wants to go to my house or to my parents’ house.

When he’s with me, he gets to spend time with his grandparents because we all live close together. His dad is military, so they live far away, which is why true 50/50 custody isn’t possible.

I know four-year-olds can’t make custody decisions, and I know I have to be careful not to put words in his mouth. But hearing that absolutely shattered me because I worry he’s struggling emotionally with being away from me.

He also wouldn’t need daycare if he lived with me because my schedule is flexible enough to care for him myself.

On top of everything, his dad has started talking about ADHD and possibly medication. I understand that ADHD is real and that medication can absolutely help some children when it’s appropriate. I also know my family’s history with addiction makes me nervous about rushing into medication before he’s even had a chance to start kindergarten and receive a full evaluation. I feel like I have so little control over decisions that affect my son’s life.

I guess what I’m really need help with is this:

How do I survive this emotionally?

How do I make sure my son knows that I love him beyond words and that I’m not choosing to be away from him—that I’m simply following a court order?

If you were the child in a custody situation like this, what helped you feel loved by the parent you saw less?

If you’re a parent who’s been separated from your child because of custody, how did you cope without falling apart?

I carry so much guilt over one terrible mistake. I take full responsibility for it, and I’ve worked incredibly hard to rebuild my life and stay sober. But sometimes it feels like no matter how much I change, that mistake will define me forever.

I miss my son every single day. It honestly feels like there’s a hole in my heart where he should be.

I’m trying to use my time productively. I’m staying sober, working, and trying to build a good life so I can continue being the best mom I can be. But nothing fills the space of not getting to raise my little boy.

Another thing that’s been really painful is trying to navigate his dad’s new family. I’ve genuinely tried to be welcoming and inclusive because I know his wife is someone who spends a significant amount of time helping care for my son. I wanted us to have a respectful co-parenting relationship for his sake.

The reality is that we’ve never really had a relationship outside of a group chat with my son’s father. I don’t actually know her personally. Over time, though, she’s started making snarky comments and responding in ways that feel unnecessarily rude whenever I bring up concerns or ask for something reasonable. Every interaction leaves me feeling like I’m the enemy instead of another parent who loves this little boy. They have told me in the group chat I can't even say 'my son' I have to say our child , and I can't say as things where I refer to my self as his mother because she feels like her place is being minimized even when I've told her that I know she a parent in this situation and I respect her position and by no means would minimize that. It's nit-picky but I'm a nice person and try to make everyone feel comfortable. It's just that when I try to respectfully say that she's saying inappropriate things she just gets defensive and will not change her tone.

My son has also started calling her “Mom.” I understand that children can develop close relationships with stepparents, and I’m glad he has people who care about him, but hearing that has been incredibly painful. It makes me feel like I’m slowly being replaced in my own child’s life.

Lately I’ve also started worrying that the way they talk about me around my son may be affecting how he sees me. I can’t know exactly what’s being said, but there have been moments that make me wonder if he’s getting the impression that I don’t want to call him or don’t want to be involved, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love him more than anything, and every day I’m simply trying to follow the custody order while staying as present as I legally can.

I’ve spent a long time trying to be the bigger person because I believed that kindness and cooperation would eventually make co-parenting easier. Right now, though, I feel exhausted. It feels like no matter how respectful or accommodating I try to be, nothing changes, and I’m left wondering how to protect my relationship with my son while still taking the high road.

If anyone has advice, encouragement, or has lived through something similar—whether as a parent or as the child—I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you for reading.

I’m looking for advice, support, or even just to hear from people who’ve been through something similar because I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m struggling with my co-parenting situation with my son’s father, and emotionally I don’t know how to keep doing this.

For some background, my son’s father wasn’t involved until our son was about 2.5 years old. He’s 4 now. We started with mediation, where I had primary care and his dad slowly worked up from short visits to longer stays. Eventually he decided he didn’t want to continue mediation, so everything went through lawyers instead.

I want to be completely honest because I know my past matters in this story.

Last summer, my son went on the longest visit he’d ever had with his dad. I had spent the first 2.5 years of his life as a single mom, and my entire identity revolved around being his mom. Being away from him that long absolutely broke me. During that time I started using drugs. I recognized I had a problem, admitted it to everyone, and checked myself into rehab. I got sober, completed treatment, and since then I’ve taken weekly drug tests. I have never failed one.

Despite staying sober and doing everything I possibly can to prove that, my past addiction became a major factor in our custody case.

Now we have joint legal custody, but his dad has primary physical custody.

Until school starts, I get two weeks with my son every 60 days. We alternate holidays, and I get seven weeks in the summer. Because he’ll be starting kindergarten, I won’t have more than those two-week visits until 2028.

It’s devastating.

I’m staying sober because my son deserves that, and I’m proud of that. But every day feels like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive.

I only get two FaceTime calls each week. Lately those calls have become really difficult. His dad now has a wife another young child. During our calls the younger child often grabs the phone or iPad and runs away, making it almost impossible to have a conversation. I politely asked if they could help minimize those interruptions, but they became defensive and basically told me no. They also refuse to be flexible with the call schedule, even when work occasionally makes it impossible for me to make the exact time they chose.

What scares me most is that if I have to miss a call because of work, I worry they’re telling my son that I just didn’t call. I never want him to think I don’t want to talk to him.

Recently my son has also started having significant behavioral problems at daycare. He’s apparently being sent home multiple times a week, is close to being expelled, and is on a behavioral contract.

The heartbreaking part is that he’s reportedly told adults that he acts out because he wants to go to my house or to my parents’ house.

When he’s with me, he gets to spend time with his grandparents because we all live close together. His dad is military, so they live far away, which is why true 50/50 custody isn’t possible.

I know four-year-olds can’t make custody decisions, and I know I have to be careful not to put words in his mouth. But hearing that absolutely shattered me because I worry he’s struggling emotionally with being away from me.

He also wouldn’t need daycare if he lived with me because my schedule is flexible enough to care for him myself.

On top of everything, his dad has started talking about ADHD and possibly medication. I understand that ADHD is real and that medication can absolutely help some children when it’s appropriate. I also know my family’s history with addiction makes me nervous about rushing into medication before he’s even had a chance to start kindergarten and receive a full evaluation. I feel like I have so little control over decisions that affect my son’s life.

I guess what I’m really need help with is this:

How do I survive this emotionally?

How do I make sure my son knows that I love him beyond words and that I’m not choosing to be away from him—that I’m simply following a court order?

If you were the child in a custody situation like this, what helped you feel loved by the parent you saw less?

If you’re a parent who’s been separated from your child because of custody, how did you cope without falling apart?

I carry so much guilt over one terrible mistake. I take full responsibility for it, and I’ve worked incredibly hard to rebuild my life and stay sober. But sometimes it feels like no matter how much I change, that mistake will define me forever.

I miss my son every single day. It honestly feels like there’s a hole in my heart where he should be.

I’m trying to use my time productively. I’m staying sober, working, and trying to build a good life so I can continue being the best mom I can be. But nothing fills the space of not getting to raise my little boy.

Another thing that’s been really painful is trying to navigate his dad’s new family. I’ve genuinely tried to be welcoming and inclusive because I know his wife is someone who spends a significant amount of time helping care for my son. I wanted us to have a respectful co-parenting relationship for his sake.

The reality is that we’ve never really had a relationship outside of a group chat with my son’s father. I don’t actually know her personally. Over time, though, she’s started making snarky comments and responding in ways that feel unnecessarily rude whenever I bring up concerns or ask for something reasonable. Every interaction leaves me feeling like I’m the enemy instead of another parent who loves this little boy. They have told me in the group chat I can't even say 'my son' I have to say our child , and I can't say as things where I refer to my self as his mother because she feels like her place is being minimized even when I've told her that I know she a parent in this situation and I respect her position and by no means would minimize that. It's nit-picky but I'm a nice person and try to make everyone feel comfortable. It's just that when I try to respectfully say that she's saying inappropriate things she just gets defensive and will not change her tone.

My son has also started calling her “Mom.” I understand that children can develop close relationships with stepparents, and I’m glad he has people who care about him, but hearing that has been incredibly painful. It makes me feel like I’m slowly being replaced in my own child’s life.

Lately I’ve also started worrying that the way they talk about me around my son may be affecting how he sees me. I can’t know exactly what’s being said, but there have been moments that make me wonder if he’s getting the impression that I don’t want to call him or don’t want to be involved, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love him more than anything, and every day I’m simply trying to follow the custody order while staying as present as I legally can.

I’ve spent a long time trying to be the bigger person because I believed that kindness and cooperation would eventually make co-parenting easier. Right now, though, I feel exhausted. It feels like no matter how respectful or accommodating I try to be, nothing changes, and I’m left wondering how to protect my relationship with my son while still taking the high road.

If anyone has advice, encouragement, or has lived through something similar—whether as a parent or as the child—I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you for reading.