u/NoneSleepLeftBeef

I had a whole post written out, but reddit ate it because I had drafted it at work, and the damn screen refreshed when I pulled the app back up. Fun times. If it's disjointed I'm sorry. The stress gave me a headache and I've barely slept these last two days.

Anyways. Long story short, SD14 took away BK4's dinner (the nuggets portion) and gave it to SS9 and SS8 because the nuggets "weren't BK4's."

SD14 is under the impression that *any* food her dad buys will belong solely to her and her brothers, even though her dad (my partner) has never forbade BK4 (my child from a previous relationship) from partaking in the food and snacks that he buys. This isn't to say that I don't also provide food, I do. (In fact, SD14 asked for some of the apples I just brought home from the store to divvy up between her and her brothers for a pre dinner snack, even though dinner was less than 10 minutes away at the time she asked.) But my partner is a huge Costco fan and does the vast majority of his shopping there. This means a lot of the meal and snack items are bought in bulk, which means he has always been able to share some of that with BK4 without hurting his own food budget.

It's actually been a frequent argument/issue between my partner and SD14, actually, because he wants her to share whatever snacks he buys with BK4. Meanwhile, SD14 will frequently "forget" this and only give the snacks to herself and her brothers. He's constantly on her case about not excluding BK4 from access to snacks.

Anyways. My older BK is visiting, and I didn't clarify that when she was making nuggets for BK4, that she needed to make the ones in the red bag as those were the ones I bought. So instead, she grabbed nuggets from the purple bag since it was already opened, and cooked those for her sister.

Not 30 seconds after BK4 was given the nuggets to go with her apple and I left the room, BK4 starts screaming and crying. Why? Because *the moment I left the room*, SD14 went into the kitchen (assuming for the reason of making dinner for herself and her brothers), scooped the nuggets off my child's plate, and quickly distributed them to her brothers. Only then did she throw a new batch of nuggets from the red bag into the microwave for BK4.

BK4 was extremely distraught at her food being taken from her and had no idea what was going on. SD14 doesn't see why I was so furious. I told her if she's worried about everything being "even", to just take some nuggets from the red bag to feed her brothers with. But *don't* take food from my child, much less without having a replacement immediately ready to offer.

I got so angry that I had to step away and get my partner involved. When I told him the story, he stormed out and disciplined SD14 verbally for her actions.

This isn't the first time she's taken food from BK4 either. I can't give BK4 any snacks without letting SD14 know I gave BK4 permission to have said snacks, otherwise she has a habit of snatching them away under the belief that BK4 somehow managed to get said snacks without permission.

When my partner finished chastising SD14 (who acted confused on why her dad was angry to begin with, much less me), I finally broke down and told him (in the privacy of our room) that I couldn't do this anymore. That I was tired of having to hide food and never being able to use the kitchen without being harassed or having mine and my children's food stolen. He knows I buy extra bags of nuggets for his kids to make up for what BK4 eats when I'm not home, but I also can't afford to keep replacing meals and snacks that I budget out for my child (or children, when older BK visits) and myself just because his kids do nothing but sneak food and gorge themselves. Seeing my BK4 (who has a cognitive delay) be that distraught (and rightfully so) over her food being taken from her broke me. It also took away any doubt of wondering if this is the right situation for me. It's not the right situation for me. It's not a fair situation to my BKs either. Especially since I can see BK4 starting to develop anxiety over mealtime, between SD14 removing food from her possession due to a misunderstanding, or one of the boys just straight up snatching food from her.

All of this frustration bubbled over. He looked upset and only asked when I intended to move out. I said before the end of the month. I left out the part about already having found a place and the lease being signed. It was enough emotional turmoil for him to realize I was serious about leaving, plus given the history, I wanted to play it safe. I think he was hoping I'd wait until more of my family moves up here in October, but I told him I can't wait that long. I have too much going on right now, and I need my own space.

So yeah. Going to be on high alert now I guess, since the facade of everything being okay has finally broken down. 11 more days and I'll finally have a kitchen where I can safely cook and store food for me and my BKs. 11 more days and I can finally get my fucking cortisol levels down.

If you read this far, thanks. I drafted this mess over my lunch break because I'm too stressed and nauseous to eat.

Car potentially needs 6k of repairs even though I don't have that kind of money *and* I'm moving in two weeks? Cool. I'll figure that out somehow until I can pay the car off and trade it in.

But the one and only "clean" towel actually smells like ammonia/old and dried human piss? Yep, that's the shit that sent me over the edge today. At first, I thought maybe the elderly cat had an issue, but nope, that's definitely human piss. I wish I had bothered to do a sniff check *before* getting in the shower. I also wish I could just trust my partner to have common sense and not be noseblind to the smell of his kids' urine.

I'm tired of everything in the house smelling like piss because these special needs SKs aren't potty trained. (They are capable of some level of toileting.) I'm tired of my partner bringing clothes back from the laundromat and leaving the clothes bin of clean clothes IN THE LIVING ROOM where anyone can touch it. (Anything the SKs touch smells like piss, hence why I haven't been able to salvage one of my plushies they stole. The stench is soaked in.) Either someone sat a used diaper on it or they dropped the towel on the floor, and the carpets in this place are already ruined by the frequent diaper overflows, so the towel could've easily picked up the stench from the floor before being tossed back into the basket. But it's yet another great point of why the clean laundry bin needs to be returned to the bedroom and not left in the living room where the SKs, who don't bathe and barely wash their hands, can access it.

I need to start packing today (under the guise of organization and spring cleaning.) I am debating on rewashing everything from that "clean" clothes bin, especially because I said I didn't want the SKs' piss soaked clothes washed in the same load as my clothes but just like every other boundary I've set, that has also been disregarded. God forbid I don't want my work clothes to reek of someone else's dried urine.

(Side note: Couldn't figure out why the shirt I pulled from the clothes bin in my closet smelled so fucking rank. Guess what was underneath it? One of the SKs' blankets that had been "washed" in the same load and also smelled just as rank as before it has been "washed." I'm sorry, but normal detergent isn't going to get the stench out either considering their blankets and bedding are rarely washed. I'm horrified it has been sitting in my closet unbeknownst to me.)

Two more weeks of this insanity! I'm about to go into debt to keep my car running (my only choice since I cannot pay it off until March), but I'm at the point that debt and temporary financial struggle sounds tolerable in comparison to nothing ever actually being clean. Especially since I have an offer for a part time job that will likely give me more than the hours they listed and I am hoping to hear back by end of the week. It'll tide me over financially when combined with my primary income until I can catch back up.

(Is it my fault for not making sure the laundry was separated into proper loads and not mixed together? Sure. But I also wish my partner gave anything remotely close to a fuck about how I felt on this when he does the laundry task.)

(Sorry for the original posts getting deleted. I just can't risk my identity being exposed to my partner when those posts were getting 50+ shares to God knows where and over 20k views.)

It feels like an eternity, but I have just under 3 weeks until I move out and don't have to worry about our food being stolen, our sleep being constantly interrupted, etc. I will finally have peace.

The lease is signed, and the deposit is processed. All that's left, other than my move-in appointment, is to call the utility company to open up an account with them.

I have a family member who has very graciously offered to move in at the end of next month and help with childcare. They won't accept monetary compensation from me, so in exchange for the very hefty task of helping with my bio child, I will be providing their housing and such free of charge, since they're starting school in the fall themselves and I don't want their very limited income to get sucked up by rent when I can afford that apartment just fine on my own. I also can't fathom charging them rent when they will be saving me over two grand a month in childcare costs.

I know my BK is going to be so excited to have that family member living full time with us as well. It's going to be a great surprise.

I have not told my partner I'm leaving yet. Quite frankly, I don't know what or how to tell him.

I'm excited, but I'm also very scared of something going wrong before my move-in date.

I keep having panic attacks. This is the first time I've been in a bad situation while neurologically compromised. The memory loss makes it hard to keep things straight, and part of me is convinced I'm just overreacting. But I don't think I would've gotten this far in my GTFO plan if it wasn't "that bad."

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The lease paperwork is stored in my car. I've been guarding my keys.

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4 weeks and 6 days until I'm out. Just...holy shit.

Their dad wanted to "surprise me" by bringing everyone back a day early.

I may volunteer for extra hours at work tonight, since SKs don't sleep more than a couple of hours a night (special needs) and are violent/loud from 2 am onwards.

If I didn't already need to go in to work for a few hours later, I'd grab a hotel room just to get one more night of real sleep. This past week was the first time I'd slept properly in over 6 months. I'm not ready to go back to the SKs being inside all day, screaming and throwing tantrums over food and their devices. One of them has screaming as their default tone of voice regardless of the situation. (I had no idea that their dad does nothing over summer break except keep them inside all day. This trip was the first time they had been brought outside since break started.)

My nerves are shot.

It's the fact that less than 12 hours after it was installed, I was having what I thought was a *private* ugly cry on and off for a few hours. (It was in relation to an emotionally charged conversation we had.) I thought I was safe to do so. But he knew about it the entire time because he'd been watching.

I *HATE* crying in front of people. He knows this.

Granted, he is apologetic about the camera (only after I found it and freaked out), but he isn't apologetic about intruding on my private crying time. Like...I have not been able to cry for over a week now because of this. I feel like my every move is being watched and scrutinized. My head hurts.

(Moving in a few weeks. Just venting.)

Switching off my location would just invite too many questions. I already did a trial run yesterday to see how many places I could pop around to. Didn't think he would be watching my location since he was super busy and won't be home for a couple of days, but he called out each and every spot I'd been to along with the duration of time I'd spent at every location, because it didn't line up with what I told him I was doing that day.

I just think that it is so fucking stupid that the apartment complex needs me to pay with a money order or a cashier's check. This is the first time I've applied to move into an apartment where they don't do online portal options for paying things like deposits.

Leaving my phone at home is going to make things complicated to an extent. It's going to take me an hour to go get the money order, drive over to the leasing office, and get back home. Not to mention that I don't know how to get there without a GPS. Might have to reactivate one of my old devices for that.

Of course, this is all operating under the assumption that there's no trackers on my car.

I'm so fucking stressed.

Playing dumb and happy until then is killing me, but considering the 🔫s he owns, I'm not about to blow my own cover before everything (housing, etc) is secured and I'm closer to my escape date.

It's been in here and pointed at our bed since Thursday night. He installed it after I left for work, and he was able to watch me the entirety of Friday night that I was sick in bed from the migraine while being borderline delirious from the injections I got at urgent care.

It is Sunday afternoon.

If my car wasn't in the shop for a couple of days, I would've packed all of my stuff to put into a storage unit, then gone straight to a hotel room with my location turned off for the night.

His reasoning for installing a camera (that has a live feed) pointed straight at the bed is bullshit: Apparently he was "extremely worried" about my intractable migraine (he also brought up my other chronic health issues, like asthma and anaphylaxis, as part of his reasoning) and said that this was his only way to ensure that I was okay and still breathing since he couldn't be here 24/7 to keep an eye on me.

I'm currently trying not to throw up. I'm shaking because of how fucking pissed I am.

I told him we just had a conversation about no cameras in the bedroom and that he even said it was a joke because it would be an invasion of privacy.

I asked if he didn't tell me about the camera because he knew I'd say no. He said that that was indeed the reason behind its secrecy.

He is still claiming his intent wasn't to spy on me.

He is leaving for a trip with his kids on Tuesday morning. Once my car is out of the shop (which I'll likely be maxing out a credit card for if the repairs are as bad as I'm thinking), I'm packing my things and putting them into a storage unit. My actual move in date for my new place wasn't until July 14th, but I will have to figure out what the fuck I'm doing in the meantime, because this isn't okay. My first priority is getting my stuff to a safe place, like any identity documents and my clothing. I will probably keep my medications in my backpack at all times.

Am I losing my fucking mind? Is this as crazy and fucking stupid as it feels? Because we just had sex earlier this morning, and I had no idea that there was a camera pointed at our bed the entire time. I also have no idea if he enabled recording or if it is just a live feed. He claims it didn't record anything.

(Bio Kid is staying at Baby Daddy's house until further notice, obviously.)

When my stomach stops trying to reject everything I've had to eat today, I will be in a clearer state of mind and can make some decisions. I'm halfway tempted to ask to stay with BD, but he has a roommate, and as it is we aren't on the best terms for anything beyond coparenting stuff. I can't go to a shelter because I have to keep up with work and other financial obligations.

My brain just gave up on touching anything in the bathroom this week.

I use the toilet only when absolutely necessary, and even then, I find myself waiting hours after I wake up to actually use it. Once I'm in there, it is difficult to let myself actually use the toilet, much less the doorknob on the way out. I'm having actual anxiety over using the bathroom in my own home because I know people don't consistently wash their hands, and no one ever cleans anything. (Another thing I was going to get at the store before my car had a whoopsie daisy and tried to blow up earlier today: Fucking LYSOL wipes. I'm so sick of catching stomach bugs.)

Brushing my teeth? Nah. My brain gave up over the last weekend when I used the communal toothpaste and something about it tasted weird. I don't know if it was my new medications, or if there really was something wrong with the toothpaste. But my brain went "Nope, this is a Bad Thing now." I feel gross for not brushing my teeth since like Sunday, but I'd throw up if I tried to use the communal toothpaste right now. Even my toothbrush (that I keep on my nightstand) is feeling icky to me now too, since I know he allows the kids all over the room when I'm not home.

Oh, and I haven't been able to find my hairbrush. Apparently the hairbrush I was using wasn't new like I thought. Using a communal hairbrush squicks me out more than the toothpaste situation.

I don't know how people at work haven't mentioned my hair/general appearance yet. I look sick and like I just rolled out of bed. Combing my hair out with my fingers only does so much.

It's also been 4 days since I showered. Why? Because I need to replace my loofah. (I like to replace mine every 2-3 weeks.) I haven't been able to touch it since one of the SK's loofahs got put next to mine. (None of the SKs ever bathe, so I can only imagine how many germs that loofah retains when they do.) Am I being ridiculous? Maybe. But the whole bathroom feels contaminated to me now. Not to mention the towels he just washed smell *weird*, so now my brain is stuck on needing to rewash everything and do it at the laundromat this time so it's properly clean. But oh wait, I don't have a car for the next few days! So I can't even do that.

My plan for this weekend had been to get a hotel room, buy some toiletries, and spend a couple of days decompressing and cleaning myself up. Of course, now that I'm without transportation until the shop can see me on Monday. (And the repairs I need may not be a quick 3 hour job, unfortunately. Considering it almost exploded on my way to the store earlier.) So now all of my non existent funds will be sunk into repairing my car so that it doesn't blow up when I'm going to work, classes, or the store.

I *REFUSE* to have a non functioning car and be stuck in this house 24/7. Not to mention, draining my entire paycheck on Ubers to work is counterintuitive to being able to save up enough money to move out of here in less than 2 months' time.

I know I'm a germaphobe, and also that it is contradictory for me to be less bothered by being unable to brush my teeth than I am bothered by the state of the bathroom in general. Just...holy shit. I'm not going to pretend to be the most organized or tidy person, but I desperately need my surroundings to be sanitary. The entire house makes me break out in stress hives just looking at it. But hiding in the bedroom is making me depressed.

I'm not looking forward to being stuck in the house for potentially the next 4-7 days. I hope my car repairs aren't as bad as I think they'll be.

Oh, and to top it all off: we keep arguing about his emotional infidelity. All I get are excuses. Which is sad because I honestly think that this situation would be tolerable for *slightly* longer if I could trust who he was texting 24/7. But the lack of trust is the straw that will break the camel's back. He's not even pretending like he's going to change this very simple behavior. All I get is the "I'm a bad partner I should d!3" spiel.

The lack of trust is honestly making me more miserable here than SK's needs/behaviors are. Like damn you can't even do the bare minimum of monogamous partnership and stop texting your exes like you are all still that close? Cool beans, my guy. Maybe don't text the ex that you cheated on your BM with while *we* are out having couples time.

Wow, that last post got way more views and commentary than I expected. I may have to edit it or take it down at a point if it keeps getting so many views (on the cusp of 10k, plus 22 shares, at time of this posting), solely due to the identifying information in the post being something that will immediately out me to my partner if he runs across it.

I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid to let these posts get so many views to the point that my partner (a man owning multiple firearms who is very well trained in their usage) would see them and figure it out before my planned move date.

So, if I have to delete these, much love to anyone who has commented, but safety comes first.

Last night, I went to seek medical intervention for the nearly week long migraine, and I was quickly given a migraine cocktail that promptly knocked me on my ass. (I must have looked like absolute 💩 because i was given the medication very quickly.) About six hours later, I woke up feeling pain-free. Drowsy but pain-free. I had about an hour and a half of relief before the dull ache starting setting in again, but that hour and a half of relief was better than nothing (because again, I've gotten NOTHING done work wise or errands wise during this last week, I've been that bedridden), and I likely brought on the pain myself by using a screen soon after I woke up.

I am currently hunting for a second job and seeing if I can up my hours at my current job. It is rather difficult with my injury and potential long-term disability from said injury, but I also know that I will never recover if I continue to live here. It's a hell of a Catch 22.

In the meantime, I applied to an apartment tonight with last year's income. (Before my injury and previous custodial scheduling issues, I was working 60-70 hours a week. Now that my coparent is volunteering to temporarily take on extra parenting time besides his court ordered weekends so I can GTFO out of my situation, I may be able to go back to 40-50 hours a week *if* I can get my new doctor to actually manage my pain levels, which is a whole other story/issue.) I opened a credit card with a high enough limit that, if shit hits the fan, I could max it out and leave before my moving date, like if I had to temporarily stay in a cheap hotel or something. It's not ideal, but a not ideal safety net is better than no safety net.

If I get approved for this apartment, I have about six weeks to save up the deposit and first month's rent, which would be prorated for a mid month move in. Until then, I am aggressively tackling any remaining debts and spending as little as possible. I got denied for welfare, but approved for food stamps (less than $200/month but it's better than nothing.) I'm also working on finding out how to keep my child's Medicaid so that when my income exceeds the income cap, she can keep hers, as her medical needs exceed $1500/month without the Medicaid. (Losing my Medicaid won't be too big of a deal as my current employment offers cheap health coverage for one person. It would be getting family coverage that would negatively impact my current income.) I am working with my coparent to locate the last document I need so that our child can get disability Medicaid, which she'd be able to keep regardless of my income.

In the meantime, I am keeping my mouth shut and continuing everything as normal. Not sure how long either of these posts will be kept up, as it's a priority for me to not be doxxed/have my partner find these posts as he'd immediately recognize who they are from.

He's beyond stressed from the kids being in the house all day, but he is still acting mostly normal with me. Still referring to himself as "your caretaker" and making sure my medical needs are met. I will continue acting as normal. I have mentioned "purging some of my stuff to make room/declutter" so that it doesn't look weird when I start moving things from the house. It will be a slow process to move stuff by myself because of my injury, but it'll also give me a good idea of how much I can and cannot do, considering I spent a good chunk of my time bedridden if I'm not at work. (I finally got a referral to physical therapy, which should also help.)

To everyone out there making their moves to leave in secret: it sucks, especially when you were duped by the idea of a future with the other person who wasn't upfront about how their household is (or isn't) run, but love isn't always enough. Especially if they aren't willing to make any real changes and do shady stuff (like weird texts to the bio mom) behind your back.

You have to prioritize yourself, your happiness, and your bio child/children's happiness.

You only get one life.

(Remind me to come back to this if he finds out I'm moving and he inevitably gets upset, even though he's the one who has mentioned that I might be happier living on my own, while simultaneously making depressed sounding comments like "I wonder if you'll start looking for a cheap one bedroom when your settlement money comes in." and "I can tell you're not happy and that you're uncomfortable here.")

(Also, my older child is coming over to visit about 3 weeks before the planned move date, and I don't think I'm going to be able to sneak out with her and my other child in tow. I have to go talk to coparent about if he is willing to have her "sleep over with her sister" the night before I plan to move, that way it doesn't look odd that I'm sending her over there to coparent's house even though he's not her bio dad. I'm either going to paint it as a sleepover or as my older child coming over to assist with younger child's needs.)