u/Normlesscreature

I tried, as I do with many children's programs, to find a reason not to love Danny Go... but slowly, those songs embedded themselves into my mind (and heart 🥹). My six year old and two year old are obsessed. Now, I have a nearly para-social desire to see success and happiness for the whole group. The only conspiracy here is there is no way that's who's been under Bear Head this whole time!

Venting my fatigue--

Ubpd mom has stage 4 cancer. She's spent the past two months in the hospital, mostly in the ICU, while we slowly untangled the web of issues through scans and tests, caused by years of self-neglect and 'bad luck'.

She's been discharged to a physical therapy rehab, and they called today to better understand who the hell just moved in. My mom was a waify, sometimes hermit subtype, never outright evil, just a neglectful mom who lied to other adults for sympathy and made me her little therapist.

Shes been explosive due to the hospital stay and the multiple brain surgeries from melanoma. It would be intense for anyone but she can't hide behind her facades anymore, so she's losing her mind. Throwing milk, trays, soiling herself and not telling me or the nurse. Instead of asking to be changed, she rang her nurse and demanded she "settle her in" but wouldn't explain, "I'll sit here until you both figure it out". The nurse had to stumble upon her bm. I thought I had smelled a fart, but I wasn't that close to her bed at this time. She slaps hands away, talks shit about nurses when they're still in earshot, and tells doctors "speak up, I'm the patient!" When they talk to me about medical updates. My fiance tells me to tell her to stop being an asshole to the ppl who care for her, no matter what she's going through. But I just sit there and listen, sometimes nudge her toward sanity and reason (my little voice is reactivated).

A nurse asked me over the phone today if she's too prideful to be honest with them about pain or certain things declining. I told her, "she's always created her own version of things, she can't do that right now" There's so much more I wish I could say, but they don't see her in full, they see a frail dying woman. And they offer excellent bedside manner, despite her flare ups.

I always thought Id have a strategy to avoid taking care of her in her end of days, but here I am. I have been my mom's delusion translator, called to the hospital/rehab to translate for her and her doctors. Very gently mentioning to them that she is just a more exaggerated version of the crazy I've always known. It's a full time job. In times where she's less ill-tempered, she holds my hand and pets my hair (eck), but we mostly sit in silence. Sometimes she cries and beckons me to stay longer, but I have two small kids at home.

It feels important to show up for someone who's experiencing so much pain and fear, and even though she's not the mom I needed, she is the person who birthed me, it feels like a cosmic duty to show up for her as she dies. It also feels like I'm betraying the healed part of myself who stopped being her parentified child. Sometimes I see her bald lumpy head and I cry after seeing her, sometimes when she's nasty I feel like never returning. It's a lot.

What they say about end of life care struggle is REAL. It sucks to be the one person left in someone's life who will have anything to do with them. It is way, way too much responsibility. Thank you to the person who posted the NYT article, it's real. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN HOMIES 😭 Thank you for reading 😮‍💨