u/North_Way3261

It’s been 10 days since her passing..
She was only three years old and was taken by what my family and I think, a coyote.

My parents live on a mountain in a secluded forestry area upstate, NY. I had taken a few weeks off to study for an exam and my mind was filled with pressure..
My Kokoni, Xena, often visits (for 3 years now) as they have more house and land space for her, plus their own Shorkie, Grizzly, who was her best friend/ brother.

Xena was the best dog I’ve ever encountered. She had an excellent recall, the most loyal and loving. She was so easy to love. Out of all, she was also super protective for us and her brother.

10 days ago, around 10 am, she was very eager to go outside. I, unfortunately, let her. I didn’t think anything by it. For years, it was normal to let her outside with grizzly to either play or potty for a few minutes and then call them inside, which they would right away.

I can’t help but feel immense guilt… and downright stupid. My family is telling me not to blame myself, but it’s hard not to knowing that if I had just not opened the door, she would be here with me… one of the hardest part that in the moment of it happening, I heard her squeal and the sound of her last breath beat taken… It was a few feet by the house. I remember I ran out frantically as soon as I heard her.. but she was gone. No sign of her. No Blood no signs of scuffle. Just the sound of her dying replaying in my head..

My family and I have searched the grounds for days.. there is no luck in finding any piece of her..

I wish I was less careless… that is simple decision could have extended her short life..

I’m trying my best to accept what has happened, learn from it, and make the best of tomorrow. But I am struggling for sure. Those who tell me “you’re so strong,” have me responding in my head with “I don’t want to HAVE to be strong, I want her to be here.”
I’m trying to take on my daily life, as we know the world doesn’t stop. It’s been very hard… this is a pain I never thought I’d have to learn to live with..

My heart can’t right now so I had Chat help me out…

Xena,

You were small enough to fit in one arm, but you filled a house completely. Every morning had your sound in it — the particular bark, the excited scramble when someone came home, all that presence packed into so little space.

You didn’t know how small you were. You barked at what scared you and ran toward what excited you, all heart, no hesitation. That was you at the dog park too, tearing across the dirt after a ball like it was the only thing that mattered, ears flying, tail up like a flag. You played the same way you loved — completely, without holding back.

You’d curl up against a shoulder like you belonged there, because you did. You’d sleep tucked into an arm, tangled up in blankets, taking up the smallest amount of space while somehow being the center of the room.

But it was the way you looked at me that I’ll carry the longest. Not at anyone else, not in that same way — just me. That look held something I don’t have another word for but love. It was quiet and certain, the kind of thing you don’t have to earn with a dog like that, you just have it, every single day, until suddenly you don’t.

The mountain took you too soon. But it doesn’t get to take the years before it — the naps, the walks, the nights curled up close, the thousand small ordinary moments that made up a life fully loved.

I don’t know how to look at anything the way you looked at me. I don’t think I’m supposed to figure that out yet.

You mattered. You still do.

Rest now, Xena.