u/NotATricksyHobbit

I just got a package from Amazon and feel so deflated.

I got a men's L shirt, men's L shorts, and a cheap binder. The shorts are too small, and the shirt fits at the chest but not the hips.

The real problem is the binder. I saw a video on TikTok from someone saying that the first time they put on a binder, it just felt right. I know a $20 binder isn't the best, but I thought it might be enough to double check this feels right before I invest in an expensive one.

But it gapes at the upper chest and manages to barely flatten me while still being really uncomfortable. I feel more wrong.

I'm 23 days post-egg crack.

The first 21 days were great.

I had already picked my name. I didn't even have to think about it. I've got a great online network already. My friends are all using the right name and pronouns. I've got an IRL trans guy friend (who's also AuDHD and a crafter/cosplayer).

I cut my hair last weekend (subtle undercut to ease into the transision).

Then I started thinking about clothes this weekend and got extremely dysphoric.

I'm 40. I've got a really extensive female wardrobe with a developed style. It's heavy on velvet, fringe, sequins, ruffles, bold patterns, and bright colors.

I have no idea how to translate this into a masculine wardrobe.

I'm a curvy 5'8" American in Asia. I never bothered with women's clothes here because I'm way bigger than them, but men's clothing is possible.

Except my chest. I bought some button-up shirts at a flea market this weekend, and I got really dysphoric with the way they fit my chest. A binder should by arriving in a week, but I guess I'll only be able to wear it 6-8 hours a day, so I'll need two sets of tops, one to wear with a binder and one without.

The weather is also a big issue. It's 35C/95F most of the year here, and I walk outside a lot and overheat easily. So much clothing advice is layers, t-shirts, and hoodies, and none of those work in the heat.

I do sew, so I've got a world of possibilities open to me. Which is enough freedom to be really intimidating.

How did y'all approach a new wardrobe?

It's day 23 since I first thought I'm trans.

I've felt like I'm essentially a gay man in a woman's body for about ten years now, and it finally dawned on me that that's a thing. I called a trans friend, asked them how they knew, and after chatting for an hour, looked at my closet, and it just hit me that it's all costumes for a character I've been playing my whole life. I already had my name picked out. I've been using it with friends, and it feels more real than my given name ever did. He/him makes me smile. I felt relaxed in a way I've never felt before.

Today I feel like I'm either making it up or just can't possibly pull it off and should just go back to being a woman (but that feels disappointing).

There are a lot of reasons I'm off emotionally today, but the most relevant are:

1. I'm pretty socially isolated, so I decided to be brave and go out on my own Saturday and ended up at a drag show with an open bar at a bear bar (I read it was an "artistic queer space") where I just did NOT fit in. I was proud of myself for not being tempted to drink (I quit 2.5 years ago), but it still didn't feel great, and it triggered this "Maybe now that I'm myself, I'm not an addict anymore...NO THAT'S WRONG...maybe this is all a mistake if it's making me think that..." train of thinking.
2. I decided to look at my wardrobe this weekend and have NO IDEA what I'm going to do about my chest. I bought some button-up shirts at a flea market, and I just look so busty in them it feels hopeless thinking I could ever pull off not being a woman.
3. The binder I ordered online 10 days ago still hasn't shipped (and even when it does get here, that's only 6-8 hours a day sorta flatish)
4. I got some masculine jewelry in that I ordered, and it doesn't make me feel masc. My neck is still long and slim.

I've been on social media watching videos. I don't see any guys I want to look like because I don't want to dress in hoodies and t-shirts. Plus, I'm 40 and have arthritis in my feet and a weak wrist from a bad sprain last year, so I don't even know how I can train to get super muscular.

I don't even know what I want to wear because it's 95F/35C half the year where I live.

I'm just rather ungrounded right now and could use some perspective on how to get through these thoughts.