Am I wrong for wanting a positive relationship with my husband’s ex?
I (26F) am married, and my husband has a son with his ex. They share 50/50 custody, but they’ve had a long custody battle and their relationship is extremely strained.
My husband believes she made false allegations against him during their custody case and put our family through a lot of stress, emotionally and financially. Because of that, he wants absolutely nothing to do with her outside of what’s legally necessary for their son. He doesn’t want to have conversations with her unless they’re about their child, he doesn’t want her at our house, and he has no interest in ever having a friendship or even being around her socially. I completely understand why he feels that way and have supported him throughout everything.
The only conflict she and I have ever had was at daycare. I was picking up my stepson during our parenting time, and while I was there I asked about enrolling my own daughter because it would have made transportation easier for our family.
She thought I was trying to discuss her son with the daycare or involve myself in decisions about him, which wasn’t true. During the exchange, my stepson was crying and reaching for me because it was our time to pick him up, and I think that understandably made the situation more emotional.
Since then, though, she and I have gotten along.
I got to know her outside of the conflict between her and my husband. We were both single moms, and I empathize with that. I don’t want to be best friends, and I completely respect my husband’s boundary that she isn’t welcome in our home. I just want to have a respectful relationship for the sake of my stepson.
Recently, she, the kids, and I spent the day together, and everyone genuinely had a great time.
The problem is that my husband was hurt by it.
Not because he thinks anything inappropriate is happening, but because, to him, she’s someone who caused him a tremendous amount of pain. He feels she lied about him, dragged him through court, and created trauma that he’s still trying to move past. After I admitted I’d been feeling insecure because she takes up so much emotional space in our lives, he reassured me that he loves me and has no desire to ever be with her again. But he also admitted that seeing me become friendly with someone who hurt him is painful.
Now I feel stuck.
I don’t want hostility if it can be avoided because I think it’s healthier for my stepson when the adults in his life can be respectful toward each other. At the same time, I never want my husband to feel like I’m minimizing his experiences or disrespecting his boundaries.
So where’s the line? Is it okay for me to have a cordial relationship with my stepson’s mom while respecting that my husband wants nothing to do with her, or is that unfair to him?