u/Novel_Buy3166

This is kind of a rant, so if you don't like to hear vents or rants, click off.

I have mental health issues (psychotic bipolar) and "hallucinate" scary things and have self control problems. It would be a literal nightmare if I were to have a child. I am medicated so I think I'm infertile anyway, plus I can't have sex because it doesn't feel good as I have vaginismus, plus I'm ugly so I can't attract any guy (men are visual creatures).

I am perceiving peoples contradictions at a rapid rate. I feel so isolated and alone in the world and I have a very different perspective on the world I guess you could say, I know there's a lot of people out there who also hallucinate but we seem to be few and far between. Plus, even if I do find them, it's rare to meet people with identical experiences.

I am an antinatalist and anti life, I do admit, the graphics of earth are beautiful and the popular concepts sold on tv look endearing (i know im going to get shat on for saying that) but reality is WAY different than the pretty pictures we're sold on tv, and internet, and frankly, a smack in the face in comparison. The pretty pictures did program me to want those things but I consider it a blessing I'm an ugly, friendless loser because I don't have to deal with a lot of responsibility and don't suffer pressure from the external world as much as others. I like being lazy and just sulking I guess, there's way worse things that could be happening.

besides that, I keep coming up with somewhat abstract reasons for things that go on on earth that I won't talk about because of fear of being labelled "wrong think". Anyway, a big reason for why life feels like a nightmare is that I can't enjoy anything and that there are lot of big questions I keep asking but can't be answered. I feel better when people relate to me, because I want to feel like I'm not crazy and not trapped in a personal hell where it's just a bunch of unaware, unconscious people trying to steal, kill and destroy.

if there's a better sub to post this, plz guide me to it.

Tldr at the bottom

For context, I'm bipolar 1 (with psychosis) but used to be diagnosed with schizophrenia. I would say I'm generally a literal person, however I don't have adhd or autism (was tested). Anyway, I tend to talk about things in my life in a literal way, and I don't really know how to be positive about my life experience or grateful for the good things, even though a lot of people also go through horrible things that are even worse than what I went through.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a personal hell, because there seems to be no end to my bad luck and I know that is a self centered (at best) way to view the world but I really feel like I'm being mind controlled and people outside my perception are real but also part of a dream, and I keep having nightmares in waking life so to speak.

I've been tested by psychologists and psychiatrists and they say I don't have a personality disorder, but my mom says I have a "bad personality". She is the main person I vent to as I don't have any friends, she tries to comfort me but I trigger her really badly. I don't have the people reading ability to really know if I should continue being honest about my problems to other people, and I avoid being social because I have nothing else to talk about besides my issues and self confidence and mental health. I don't make my mental health issues my "personality" but it's a big part of me because I had 10 hospitalizations and lost my youth and cognition to this illness.

I thrive when people are similar to me, a bit downerish and enjoy when they are also open about their problems, and I guess I project that onto everyone. I'm only realizing now that most people have their head screwed on straight and don't like to be vented to.

I don't dominate conversations, and I know everything is energy, but people don't really do social ping pong with me, especially my mom. I noticed this with "friends" I had in the past as well. Like I always had to take their venting but I could never do the same.

I don't like to hear venting because I want to feel superior (I tried to search on reddit for why people love venting to them to get a feel of those on my side), I guess for me, it's because I love to feel not alone and like I'm socializing.

I know it's a vampriric behaviour to vent and I'm into energy healing and spirituality (that's not psychosis it's a real thing) but I just get weirdly energized when people are also self aware enough to be engrossed in their personal hell as well? Like the feeling of not being alone is like a drug because it feels like I finally got a piece of the puzzle of why my personal human experience is so shit.

Anyway, tldr;

bipolar 1 used to be dx'd schizophrenia, 10 psychotic episodes, mom gets pissed off when i vent, i never socialized much so i wonder, do people like hearing others vent? i dont socialize much out of my mom, and have no friends and a lot of social issues due to a myriad of reasons i wont list, but mental health is part of it. I just automatically assumed people didn't mind if I was honest about my shitty life but I'm starting to realize that maybe people don't want to hear it and i projected my own social kinda bonding style on them. Is it common for people to not want to hear negativity? i'm not socialized enough to know (btw dont have adhd or autism, i was tested) Which is more common, to get energized by venting or to hate it and want people to keep their dirty laundry to themselves?