u/Nowaythis2020

I just realized how sick it is. Years ago, I went no contact with the female parent years ago. Not even really sure what to call the person, also cannot specify how long it has been it’s painful. There is a close family member who first convinced me of the toxicity in their relationship an what the female parent has done to me and my whole life. Okay so the gears started clicking an I went no contact. Completely . Also went no contact with a sibling, very toxic relationship ever since I was born. The family member who first brought up this idea of “we no longer talk to her at all in our house,” I have known those people since I had baby teeth. Then all of a sudden those folks went no contact with me. As of now there is no family for me. No baby pictures or family photo albums. Lately I have been thinking about reaching back out to the female parental unit who gave birth to me all those years ago. Why? Because I am sad. Lonely, feel alone, etc…. I feel that I made a mistake and was selfish for never talking to the mother who destroyed my childhood friendships, a mentally a verbally abused me all my life. I didn’t say anything just stopped answering phone calls and texts from both my mother an sister at the same time. I thought that’s okay cuz I have these other people. Who said mother is narcissistic. Apparently I ruined that relationship with them.
I just realized about 20 min ago when I started writing this. I was in the narcissistic relationship with mom and sister for so long now I have no one, I WANT the bad toxic narcissistic relationship. Somehow just the nostalgia of the good ol’days. Us all together before the entire family broke up. Good times. If I would have known the folks who called mother a narcissist would end up dumping me in a few short years maybe I’d keep the toxic relationship with sister an mother. But it feels an sounds bad saying or even thinking that. Do not know who really to tell these things to. Boyfriend already knows it all. Was never really able to lock in a therapist that really clicked. Well I mean with Medicaid anyway.
I really just needed somewhere to share this to. The idea that I have been thinking about contacting mother. I mean wtf. Its sick.