u/Objective_Fun3934

I already wasn’t having the best day, was having a bad flare up of my EDS so I was really sore and using a cane. I had to go do some errands with my dad and then we went to go get something to eat at the same place I often do (which WAS a safe food place until now) I get my food and find batter on top, which worried me as I have celiac disease. I ask and although we are friends with the owners and have been going there for a decade, we weren’t updated that they changed their kitchen standards on cross contamination. In the past we always double checked, but after so much time we assumed that they’d stay the same or at least tell us they changed. Anyways they didn’t, I can no longer eat there safely and could possibly have a reaction later.

This was really difficult for me, as I struggle a lot with sudden change and I was so hungry. I just smile and nod and they say sorry but on the inside I was so upset and angry, I’m so tired of never being able to eat out and after thinking I’d found a secure place I could eat now I can’t. And I was absolutely starving hungry. We leave and the next two places I can’t eat there either. I just think fuck it and go finish my errands, it’s now pouring with rain and my dad keeps saying things that just aren’t helping and im just completely quiet. He said we can pick up fast food, but this would then mean I wouldn’t be able to jump on a bus home because it’s a separate way, (also I’d had it in my mind that I was going to be eating what I’d expected and change like that is so difficult for me)

It also meaning more walking and I’m so sore. I’d been trying so hard to keep it together and with another choice I’m having to make / things changing / how much pain I’m in. I just lose it and yell out in frustration, I’m holding my cane and I hit it hard against a lamppost and the whole thing shatters into pieces.

A bunch of people stop and look at me like I’m mental, im in tears and just immediately feel so ashamed and ridiculous but I was just so overwhelmed and overstimulated. I then walk the whole way home (now without my cane) in so much pain. Today has just been absolutely miserable and I feel so unbelievably embarrassed to meltdown in public like that. I’ve never had one in public before (at least not as an adult) and I just feel so stupid and pathetic about it. Has anyone else ever melted down like that before?

TW for brief mentions of suicide

For as long as I can remember, in friendships I’ve been in I’m the therapist friend. I’m the person people come to talk about their issues and crisis. (Hell I remember when I was an actual kid being the one to mediate in elementary) I’m a very guilty people pleaser, mainly because I’m scared of abandonment and don’t want to cause issues. A couple of years I went through a really bad friendship breakup, but it was for the best as it was insanely toxic (I was also being abused at the time which didn’t help) and drifted for a couple years with no close friends at all. It was honestly the loneliest period in my life, and an extremely dark lonely place I don’t like thinking about. I went through intense therapy which really helped, although I had previously gone through therapy as well.

(I learned some good things back than too, so very often I would use said coping skills and strategies to help my friends in crisis, basically parroting my therapists help to assist my friends at the time. I was also a teenager at that point.)

But fast forward to now, I have found a new group of friends who I care for a lot. I have noticed though I have been very accommodating of a lot of stuff (stuff that would have been valid for me to be upset about, but again I’m scared of confrontation and terrified of losing this friendship after being alone for so long) But I’m trying hard to be more assertive, as I don’t want to just put up with absolutely anything because I’m scared of being alone again. I’ve been there for my friends when they’ve been frustrated or had worries (likewise have they to me) and that feels completely good for me. But recently for the first time with this new group somebody was having a crisis, and was clearly needing support and help. It just made me freeze?

I feel really selfish, but I really REALLY didn’t want to be the person to step up and support them. Even though I do really care about them. I noticed nobody else was replying, and the knee jerk reaction in my brain was ok I need to get to work therapy hat on let’s help, but at the same time I really didn’t want to at all. I’m afraid of falling back into that role, but I’d hate for that to make me unsupportive of my friends. I don’t know how to balance it in a healthy way. But the longer im avoiding replying the more I’m getting stressed and feeling so guilty over not helping. I want to be there for those I care for, but I really don’t know if I can take that kind of role again. I used to spend so much of my teenage hood talking my friends out of suicide and it’s really done stuff to me.

I’m sorry for such a giant wall of venty text, but even just writing it out helped a little. But if anyone has some advice on how to balance this healthily, I’d really appreciate it. I think my trauma brain has hardwired me that I either need to be the 100% always available therapist, or completely absent. Neither seem healthy or sustainable. I feel like such a hypocrite venting and asking for advice on this subject 💔

Hope this sub is an okay place to post something like this, if not just let me know or point me to a different one that would be better. 🩷

To preface, I am autistic (afab) I struggle with social skills and the such, but growing up afab I had to mask a lot which really messed me up. My autism affects my day to day life a lot, especially at social gatherings. The other day though, I was at a social industry evening at a bar. It was a casual event to meet people in the industry and I was looking forward to it as it wasn’t meant to be very busy which made me feel better. Just what I found frustrating were two people who did not leave me and my friend alone the entire evening.

I knew one of them more from college (who was well known for being very creepy towards women, like people would warn you not to be alone with him, kind of reputation.)

and the other only from a prior event. They’re both autistic, and it was clear upon meeting them both. Here’s the thing, If anything meeting fellow autistics can be comforting in social situations like this for me, but these two guys made the night so incredibly uncomfortable for myself and friends.

Extremely often, when trying to talk to people they would interrupt and try change the subject to something else whilst I was mid conversation. We spoke to these guys for a while, listening to their work and stuff for a more than fair amount of time. But whenever the subject drifted AWAY from them, they would get so irritated.

I ended up ignoring this guy, but it was so overstimulating having someone constantly sighing loudly, going “WELL anyways-“ in the middle of us talking every few seconds. I could tell this guy was becoming really angry with us for not letting him interrupt, which made me think he was used to people just letting him barge into conversations because of his behaviour.

I also had the other guy, when there wasn’t a chair for him- push in and SIT ON MY CHAIR WITH ME. A dude I do not know. His butt and thigh right against my own. I cannot cope with touch from people, especially if I do not know them. I got up and moved off and again this guy looks at me so angry. It was genuinely unnerving.

It was obvious he wanted to control our tables entire conversation, and we were determined to let everyone have their conversation and didn’t give in. We even said we’ll talk in a second but we’re talking right now. He seemed so shocked we’d said it and only pushed even further to interrupt everything we were saying.

It sucked because we were only able to talk to a couple people, because when we tried to move and talk to others they would follow us and then the new people would move away.

This whole experience just made me realise how exhausted I am putting up with this kind of behaviour from autistic men. So many times I’ve been made to feel severely uncomfortable from dudes who have clearly never been taught proper boundaries as kids, because their parents have deemed them incapable of needing to learn them. I feel as if autistic people, more than ANYONE should be taught boundaries. I was, but I was then also expected to mask to such an insane extent that it was ruining my life.

All I can think about it is this, if autistic women / afab autistics like myself acted the way some autistic men do, there is no way in fucking hell we would get away with it. Why are so many autistic men allowed to get away with inappropriate behaviour, but when it’s even the slightest other way round, we’re called crazy and socially cursed for it.

It sucks id love to be able to just be blunt and say straight to these guys faces, LEAVE ME ALONE. But given how it was a social event, and my own social autistic issues, it felt impossible. Not to mention how physically uncomfortable I was made to feel with the dudes aggression and the physical touching.

Anyways this was an exhaustive vent, but I’ve become so tired of tip toeing around behaviour like this, as I understand autism is a spectrum. But I don’t think it’s fair how so many men get away with this under the excuse of their autism, or because they were simply never taught these boundaries in the first place. When afab people are expected to go beyond in learning how to mask and be fucking perfect and treated like shit when we have an off day and cannot mask our autism.

So today was like my last straw with this kinda behaviour so here I am whining to Reddit about it lmao

Multiple times when I’ve gone into town, I’ve had really stressful experiences involving kids and my dog (and witnessed other dogs too)

My pup is a very friendly and cheeky dug, loves attention and if people stop and ASK, I’ll happily let them give her attention. Sadly though, my girl is very afraid of kids now. This was because a couple of months ago on princes street, a kid (around 6) ran up and started HITTING her, hard. I immediately pull her away and tell the kid to stop and put myself inbetween each other whilst this kid is desperately trying to hit her and she is panicking and beginning to growl because she’s so scared. (She is not a reactive dog, one of the first times I’d heard her growl) I am terrified, because even though this awful child started it, something could happen to her if she reacts and I of course don’t want a kid to be hurt either. Finally the kids parent appears, and I’m yelling at her to get the kid to stop. She LAUGHS and goes “come on then honey” and the kid finally runs off. No joke, when we get on the bus later, this awful family gets on and I have sit on the aisle seat with my dog on the inside because this kid comes up again, raises his hand and I just go “NO” and he looks shocked and runs off back to his seat.

This was the worst experience we’ve had like this, but not the only one. Since this though, my girl has been very unsure of small children and gets easily stressed and vocal when they run near. We had another just now of a kid running up and trying to pat her head hard without asking, with my dog panicking again and I had to put myself between and tell this kid to not do that. Then just the other week I see a kid (who appeared to have learning difficulties) suddenly run up to a guys dog and pat / slapping and this guys dog snarled and nearly went for the kid. Of which the parents weren’t even watching and didn’t notice, the kid just ran back to them. I’ve spoken to other dog walkers around Edinburgh who’ve experienced similar stuff in the last couple years.

Are parents just not teaching or monitoring their kids? Or teaching them how to interact with animals? Do they understand that their kids could get seriously hurt if they don’t teach basic stuff like this? When I was a little kid I was obsessed with dogs, my mum knew this and taught me how to interact with dogs. Obvious things such as asking an owner first before petting, don’t bother dogs in vests as they’re working, pet gently. It stinks because I love taking my girl with me when I just go out and do errands, and she is so friendly if you just respect her space. I’ve started getting so anxious whenever kids are about as I don’t want her to get in trouble be aside of badly parented children. Has anybody else faced similar experiences with their dugs or have I just been very unlucky?

Listen I wouldn’t / don’t skip in queues, it’s a dick move. But when it’s an incredibly busy day and there’s like 20 people around the bus stop, (where it’s impossible to tell whether someone’s getting on) I just follow in the big cloud system and hope for the best. But snapping at me because I accidentally cut in front as I had no idea you were also wanting on the 8, it’s really not that big a deal.

“Theres a queue actually!”

Even after apologising and step back to let them on I’m just told it’s too late now. I think it’s a bit silly to expect a line system when everyone’s gathering in a big crowd where some aren’t even getting on. Recently I ended up missing a bus completely as I was waiting behind people who were standing right at the edge, looking like they were getting on but were actually just waiting for one after. I was trying to queue and missed by bus 💔 anyways its not that big a deal but I wanted to moan, hate the south bridge bus stop with a burning passion worst bus stop placement on planet earth.

First off I can already smell the jokes in the comments lmao, but for real. I’m approaching a huge deadline and want to book a massage for myself as a treat for getting it done. What places would you say are the best but also won’t cost me a mortgage either?