u/Odd_Mark4799

Hello everyone,

Well just wanted to share that as of today I have not had a single puff for 10 days.

In this past year of a million attempts to quit, the longest I have lasted was 9 days.

Still using the patch and the gum ( as well as the few lozenges I have left) but even the lower price of the NRT at my small family pharmacy is draining my bank account, so thinking that I will really have to taper myself off it,then face intense withdrawal...however I absolutely cannot afford smokes either and would feel awful if I broke down and bought a pack.

At the moment not really allowing myself to feel proud or confident really...bewildered I have lasted 10 days with much stress and anxiety plaguing me...

Want to thank you all again for sharing your successes.

It is so, so encouraging!

Hello everyone,

First of all, let me preface this by letting you all know that whatever ED you are struggling with, however long you have been suffering, each and every one of you have all my empathy.

I am soon to be 51 years old and female ( dunno why reddit stuck me with the name "Mark" and I cannot change it for some reason...) and have had anorexia b/p sub type since I was 11, but it was ignored and I was not actually dxd until I was 32, and sent IP where I didn't even last a day.

(I now really regret not making the most of that opportunity, although I was terrified.)

Then i was in IOP and lasted 4 weeks until the weight gain triggered me and I ran from that as well.

I have had the same psychiatrist whom is my therapist as well, and over the 14 years I have been working with him, whenever my health has become compromised, that has had to be his primary focus, even while I also deal with OCD< depression, GAD, social anxiety disorder, and a recent dx of DID.

Anyway, my last IP admission was 2 years ago, and I was the sickest I have ever been (I actually was also IP twice before that, so 3 times in a row I spent the full 6 weeks in tx.)

My psychiatrist kept warning me that my older body could not take as much ab*se as it could when I was younger,but I was blind and stubborn, I would tell everyone that, "My body is made of iron!"

But Indeed he was right-

3 years ago I was restricting heavily, very underweight, had already been dxd with osteopenia, was passing out all the time, probably had more concussions than an NFL football player, broke a toe during one of my falls, had injuries that required stitches, constantly at the ER for fluids and bl**d work, most of the time my labs came back normal which reinforced my deluded insistence that, "My body is made of iron.",however at times my sodium was too low and usually anemic.

At one point I spent a week on an ICU cardica ward,then my heart deemed fine, moved to a medical floor where I still refused to eat, and had a very stern doctor come everyday to tell me bad news.

At one point I was in acute kidney failure which they reversed thank God, and then another morning he came and told my bl**d work showed i was at risk of metabolic acidosis which could have rendered me an insulin dependant diabetic, which they also turned around, and while I was terrified, I kept restricting.

Sent home after they checked how well I could walk.

(Have used a cane for about 6 years)

Anyway, as I said, this last stint in IP,I was confined to a wheel chair for 4 weeks, but I became better nourished and stronger and was determined to recover once and for all.

I was exhausted with "living" with an ED.

But...again when I transitioned to virtual IOP, I dropped out at 5 weeks just at the point they felt it safe for me to do body image work with my therapist there.

I was able to maintain my weight, just judging by how my clothes fit, I abandoned my scale for quite awhile, but I was in no way eating the way I was taught in tx.

I could go x hours without eating, but not consciously trying to lose weight, eating fear foods, but bingeing a couple times a week.

My psychiatrist kept (and still does)checking in with me, asking, "How active is the eating disorder right now?"

And truly, I have always been honest with him.

I have never been able to accept the new strange body I was inhabiting, and every time I faced a new life stressor, I would run out, buy another scale, my OCD would latch on to my already obsessive thoughts, and I would start restricting again.

This would never last very long, but I could never say I was recovered, and when I would tell people"Im IN recovery from an eating disorder.", I would realize I was lying to them, lying to myself.

Still not eating like someone without an ED, but very unhappy with my body,yet, I was eating with less fear, and staying off the scale, but this always ended up being a mad merry go round.

Anyway,here I am now,next month turning51 years old,and finally have to admit that indeedmy doctor was right-my body was not as "made of iron" as I had kept insisting.

Last year I had a fall had fracturedall my ribs.
And now I have been enduring severe chronic pain for about a year and a half-for one thing I have an L5 herniated disc which causes me excruciating almost unrelenting and debilitating pain of bilateral sciatica day and night.

My MRI also revealed mutiple mid spine compression fractures with a 25% height loss.

Last week my GP told me I need to gain muscle mass and core strength but that any exercise besides walking back and forth in a pool (ido not know how to swim) I cannot do-he said even taking a walk outside is too high impact, and certainly (still using the cane, but now for this different reason) when I have taken even a 30 minute walk, my feet ache terribly, uphill is about impossible and the next day I am in agony.

I take my calcium and vitamin D, try to eat more calcium rich foods, and indeed will get into the pool, but still...my appetite cues never normalized-I am either not feeling hungry at all (which should not stop me from eating on a schedule admittedly I do not often force myself), or ravenous.

I still have a scale, but might weigh myself once a month if that.

Again, I go by how my clothes fit, and when I notice I have obviously lost weight, and can actually better see my body more realistically now, it makes me feel both afraid and that old familiar sick sense of comfort.

Forgive me that this is a rambling on and on post-

I just wanted to share with you all that I now wish I had accepted help in the early days, developed better coping skills,because now I am suffering the very real consequences.

I need another bone density test done to see if the osteopenia has progressed to full blown osteoporosis, and I don't think there is much I can do about m loss of bone density.

I am not try to scare anyone, just sharing that I implore those of you who have yet to seek treatment from any ED, at any age, as scary as it is, you deserve to be healthy, content, with a rich and fulfilling life, all things which ED's rob us from.

I am a healthy weight, but it is very shamefully hypocritical for me even to be writing this as I have now been awake x hours and have not had breakfast.

Entertaining the notion of doing partial, but of course my messed up head still, still tells me-"You are not sick enough.",while I know I am still not eating normally, and the thoughts are still there.

Please do not listen to that all too common lie-

Everyone with any ED at whatever weight, even with perfect labs deserves help.

You are all of value.

You matter.

Please reach out for help and go into it with an open mind,and remember all the good things in life you deserve.

You all deserve freedom from your eating disorders, body, mind, and spirit.

This all has been difficult to share in my deep shame, but I hate to think of those of you still in depths of your disorders, and those of you already having health consequences as i have.

Please treat yourselves with all the compassion you so deserve.

Sending each of you much strength and peace.

I did not buy another pack yesterday.

Went to bed early, actually had a very vivid dream of smoking, woke up around 5 AM, and now just after 7:30 AM it has been just over 24 hours since I have smoked.

Have been fighting intense cravings since waking up, put on step 2patch, but gave in to the gum sitting in my cheek right now.

Anxiety is fueling my cravings, mornings are a risky time.

Sipping lime water as I read everywhere lime is supposed to ease cravings...I dunno,but will try just about anything.

Trying to remember to breathe deeply.

That inner franticness, the lie that, "I HAVE to smoke right now!!!!" is quite overwhelming.

Actually feel like I am grieving a loss, forgive me if that sounds melodramatic.

I continue to be incredibly inspired by all of you in your successes. so thank you all so much!

i think checking in here might help...

Hello everyone,

Reaching out for support as I am really struggling to quit.

I must say, all the milestones you folks share here are so encouraging and inspiring.

Thank you!

...I will be 51 next month.

I smoked for 20 years, quit for a decade, first using a vape, then the patch.

It was wonderful being free for those 10 years.

Then last summer, multiple stressors hit me and I found myself feverishly and mindlessly going to buy a pack.

Soon I was back up to a pack a day,and all the old associations came flooding back-morning coffee, anxiety, depression...well, all my myriad of mental health problems.

But I actually really hate smoking and on my meager income can absolutely not afford it.

This is shameful but as of midnight this morning, (it is now just after3 AM...i have a messed up sleep cycle, insomnia, broken sleep, nightmares...) this is I believe the 16th Day 1.

I have been on the patch and the lozenges for a few weeks now, and also using the lozenges and the inhaler.

I found a great app with a really helpful quit coach, but a few days ago dropped my phone, smashed it to pieces and cannot afford a new one until the end of the month.

I just stepped down to the step 2 patch, as I have not been smoking nearly as often, and have developed a real aversion to the filthy things, yet the psychological associations which trigger cravings are still hard to fight.

But, at midnight I had a coffee (i know it is recommended to give it up, but I guess I am stubborn about my coffee..), brain demanded a cigarette-

I did not give in, but this sloth slow middle of the night waking has me fightinga craving every few minutes it seems...and uh...this is tough to admit but I still have a pack on my desk where I am not sitting right now, and now having a valerian chamomile tea...I know I ought to get rid of that pack right now, order more NRT...I just popped another lozenge in my mouth...

I have this twisted deep seated notion to keep that pack as a "safety net"...

Logically, I know if I do not get rid of it, I will cave sooner or later because my anxiety is so bad.

Ok...writing this has helped me realize that I need to get rid of that pack NOW...

(Forgive me for the play by play, but indeed being strong and wetting and breaking and tossing out those smokes now...)

....Alright, got rid of them.

Not taking a dangerous walk in the dark to the 24 hour convinence store to throw away another $20.

Tell me, even with my paralyzing anxiety I will be able to fight the urge to buy another pack this morning?

I smoked 6 yesterday, and didn't even finish all of them before being disgusted and realizing they were not even making me feel any better.

So, another Day 1.

Support welcome.