u/Odd_One215

Seriously. Please DO NOT just answer with vague answers to cope, like "family","friends" or "the small moments in life" Cause I do NOT care abt my friends,family or 'nice' moments.

Those things are all meaningless. At the end of the day, will all of them betray me in one way or another. I am not naive enough to believe in such a thing as "happy ending."

I'm certain that I will die in the most heart-wrenching way since karma will get me sooner or later.

Isn't it better to end this miserable existence of mine, myself?

I read somewhere, I think it was the book:"Strangers" or maybe the author Albert Camus, I'm not quite certain:"The thing that prevents you from committing suicide, is your meaning of life". As if fear, uncertainty, etc.

I also think that a life on which fear is the reason one person life's, is nothing more than an endless torture, without any happy ending. Therefore, life is meaningless. I am not able to commit myself to relationships (platonic, I am aroace)

Please share your beliefs and thoughts with me.

Idk what to do. How to overcome this fear. I am scared to go to school in general. I have changed school once already, because of bullying this school isn't half bad but yet am I scared. I spend almost my whole live alone. In Kindergarten did I always spend time alone. At home was I alone. I was always alone. And my parents dont care abt me, they only care how I fix their reputation with my successes, if I dont I'm completely invisible.

To my old school: I would get pushed down the stairs, pushed in the roads or attacked by the bullies, and beaten. I often ran to school, not taking the train cause I avoided them, and I was too scared to meet them on the way and always came late.

In this school it's not that bad, seriously. But I'm scared. When I walk by do they look at each other and laugh, they push me roughly out of their way without even telling me to step aside. When I try to participate in class do they mock me, call out my name amd laugh.

Especially on my period am I TOO scared to go. I usually only leave my home when it's dark outside so I won't attract attention. But on my period do I not even dare to bring the trash. Let alone go anywhere, where people are.

Why am I so weird? I also want to be able to talk to people and make friends who like me.