u/Odd_Relation_5143

I just want you, I want all the intimate moments with you, I’m not meaning the sexual or erotic ones. I’m meaning a slow Saturday morning, cuddled up on the couch, trying to become fully awake. I’m meaning jamming out to some music in the car, whether that be in a road trip, or just running errands. Hell, even waiting in lines at the grocery store, or sitting at a red light, or doing any mundane task. I don’t care what it is, I just want to be doing it with you. Being in your presence, hearing the same sounds you hear, smelling the same scents that you do, seeing the same things you see. It eases me, it takes the stress off my shoulders. In your presence, I can feel my corners slowly starting to round off, I can feel my rough edges dissipate into something smooth. You make me feel comfortable in my own skin without even saying a word, just by your presence. This want for you, it’s building into more of a need. Like I’m craving just existing next to you, nothing flashy, romantic, or sensual. Just simply existing.

“There’s always a reason, quit your worrying”, I say to myself, trying to mask the naivety. “She’s just busy,” or “she probably fell asleep”, I also tend to say, trying to pretend like I’m not nauseous, or that my chest feels like it’s about to implode. I mean the fact of the matter, she’s not mine, why should I care or worry about what she’s doing? She’s not bound to me, and I’m not bound to her. But, my heart aches for her, it pounds inside my chest for her, my stomach is in knots for her. I try to stop myself, I try to think about anything and everything other than her, it never works, why would it. I mean the way she looks, her humor, her laugh, her smile, her eyes… oh boy those eyes. I’m completely captivated by them, I’m hypnotized by them, paralyzed and under a spell by them. When she looks at me with those eyes, nothing else on this planet could hold any bearing over what she’s about to say. It’s almost like a drug, the second those eyes make contact with mine, all of my attention, intention, and energy diverts to her. I hold on to every millisecond before she speaks, eager, waiting to listen to what she’s has to say. She says her eyes are nothing special, they’re just “brown”. They’re not just brown. They’re my favorite shade of brown.

I recently listened the poem ‘Gentility’ by Joshua Tree. He spoke about how most men are quick to voice their defensive characteristics. How they “would die for you” or they “would kill for you”. Then, he started speaking: “I would be kind for you,” he said, “I would reject to indulge in my violent nature,” he continued. Off in my own little world I went, listening to the poem over and over. I couldn’t get enough of it, I wanted it to go on and never end.

Then, each time the poem would end, and right before it would replay, in that couple seconds of silence, my thoughts were filled with you. I thought about how I would also be quick to defend you, to lay down my life for you. But, I also thought about how sweet I would be for you, how kind, caring, and loving I would be for you. I, too, would reject the impulsive violent nature that comes with being a man.

I pictured learning how to make iced chai tea the way you like it, or figuring out the correct order at Starbucks for it. I thought about ensuring you always have a cold Red Bull, especially on days when you need it most. I thought about being the safe space you feel welcomed to, and drawn to. Being the shoulder to cry on, or the shoulder to lean on when your energy has depleted, and you just need a moment of rest. I thought of being the warm hug you look forward to on a cold morning, or the grounding kiss you’re needing, when this crazy and uncertain world has you feeling unsteady. I thought of being the keeper of secrets, the one who you can spill what’s on your mind, knowing there’s no judgement coming from my end. I thought of being the one who reminds you every day, just how amazing, intelligent, and stunning you are. I want to be the voice of encouragement that’s so loud, it deafens all the voices of doubt. Of course I would be violent for you, if absolutely necessary. But, that’s not all that I know how to be.

Please excuse any grammar or punctuation errors, I’ve been out of school for a while lol.

I recently listened the poem ‘Gentility’ by Joshua Tree. He spoke about how most men are quick to voice their defensive characteristics. How they “would die for you” or they “would kill for you”. Then, he started speaking: “I would be kind for you,” he said, “I would reject to indulge in my violent nature,” he continued. Off in my own little world I went, listening to the poem over and over. I couldn’t get enough of it, I wanted it to go on and never end.

Then, each time the poem would end, and right before it would replay, in that couple seconds of silence, my thoughts were filled with you. I thought about how I would also be quick to defend you, to lay down my life for you. But, I also thought about how sweet I would be for you, how kind, caring, and loving I would be for you. I, too, would reject the impulsive violent nature that comes with being a man.

I pictured learning how to make iced chai tea the way you like it, or figuring out the correct order at Starbucks for it. I thought about ensuring you always have a cold Red Bull, especially on days when you need it most. I thought about being the safe space you feel welcomed to, and drawn to. Being the shoulder to cry on, or the shoulder to lean on when your energy has depleted, and you just need a moment of rest. I thought of being the warm hug you look forward to on a cold morning, or the grounding kiss you’re needing, when this crazy and uncertain world has you feeling unsteady. I thought of being the keeper of secrets, the one who you can spill what’s on your mind, knowing there’s no judgement coming from my end. I thought of being the one who reminds you every day, just how amazing, intelligent, and stunning you are. I want to be the voice of encouragement that’s so loud, it deafens all the voices of doubt. Of course I would be violent for you, if absolutely necessary. But, that’s not all that I know how to be.

Please excuse any grammar or punctuation errors, I’ve been out of school for a while lol.