u/Ok-Company4574

How to reconcile being very minimalistic with posessions, but still needing to live in a big home, with many rooms?

My husband and I (in Australia) own a home with 4 bedrooms, + a small loft office and two living rooms.

We have one bedroom, then our two 18 year olds each have their own room, then the 4th bedroom has my office space built into one side, and a murphy bed we built, for visitors (my husband and I WFH fulltime, so both use our offices all day 5 days a week.

The murphy bed in my office is used for weeks every summer by my brother and his family, as we live near the beach, and used once every 4-6 weeks by other visitors (friends and family for long weekends).

We wanted two living rooms because we were aware that its harder for adult children to move out these days (cost of living) so we wanted space for everyone in case our kids and even potentially future partners of theirs live here in future, so we arent living "ontop of each other", i think it will help everyone stay comfortable and happy IF things end up that way. Obiously my hope is that our kids thrive and live independently.

We spent 7 years of our sons childhood living "van life" and my husband and I loveeeeeee minimalism, tiny living etc. But right now, we need and use all the individual spaces in our home for each of their purposes, and intentionally are prepared for growing into the space more in the possible event our kids or one of them, reamin here into adulthood (they are also both adhd and on the spectrum, so a bit behind their peers in some areas but not significantly).

My husband and I are avid declutterers, minimalists and keep very ontop of posessions coming in and out of the house anywhere except the kids rooms (so, mine and my husbands stuff. The kids can make their own choices). Which means this big house can seem kind of... a bit empty.

I LOVE empty space and feel more at peace when benches are clear, decor is minimal etc. I also love function, and appreciate it being easy to keep clean and tidy.

But i guess my brain associates the emptiness with 'too much space' and i guess i wonder if people will judge us when they come inside and see such a decent sized house, but looking kind of.... bare, i guess? I dont really care a lot about what people think, so im not sure why this is sitting in my mind... but maybe im judging myself and wondering, since i have empty cupboards in some areas, and spaces with no furniture (where i dont "need" a random shelf or corner table to house my belonging) should we not live in such a big house?

I have no idea of the square foottage because we dont go by that in Australia. But basically it makes me happy and calm seeing empty space.

I just worry theres something im missing, a simple thing that i havent thought of? Where i should be doing or thinking differently about itm because i sometimes feel off about having so much empty space, when i know ive been blissfully happy in smaller spaces.

Sorry if this is a bit silly and all over the place... can anyone relate maybe?

Ok, this is new territory for me. Last night my 18 year old niece told me she wants to be a man "more than anything on the planet", but she absolutely "does NOT want to be a trans man and she goes to bed every night wishing she would wake up as a boy/man the next day". She has 1 FTM trans best friend who weve talked about in the past during his transition, openly, supportively and positively, and she recently said she has another friend she shared her feelings with and they feel the same as her, but equally have "no desire to be a trans man" (her words).

She said she has wished this for as long as she can remember, and that recently it has intensified.

She is very naieve/young minded (to an extent) on the autism spectrum and has adhd, she was sexually abused by her mothers partner, and severely parentified by her mother (forced to take care of her 3 younger siblings at her mums house) before coming into our care. Though she has done soooo much growing and getting to know herself the past 2 years, within oir care where she actually gwts peace and love and nurturing to be able to calm her mind and put herself and her needs 100% first.

Her father "replaced" her with his step son (and step daughter and 2 additional biological kids) as soon as he entered their lives, and essentially never showed her any attention again, eventually completely abandoning her. He was very close with his step son and step son got all attention, all fathers "hand me downs" jbcluding her dads car she always thought would be hers as first bio kid.

She said shes always preferred and related more to boy characters on shows "like sonic, the boy dragon in HTTYD, and others"

I listened and asked questions and let her share as much as she was comfortable to share, reaffirmed mine and my husbands (her biological uncle - who she adores and sees as her father now) unconditional love for her, asked her what she would like to do next and how we can support her.

Additional context:

Our niece moved in with us just under 2 years ago, at 16. Shes now 18. Her parents had been separated since she was 2, her father completely abandoned her for his new family, she has been estranged from him since she was around 12, after years of he and step mother treating her cruelly, and treating her siblings significantly better from the age of 2 to 12 (very intebse emotional and mental abuse, and lots of isolation, cruelty, very much like wicked step mum cinderella stuff, but worse). She escaped that and lived with her mother from ages 12 - 16 where the abuse continued, but differently.

When she came to stay with us she was suicidal, lost, anxious, depressed. Shes spent the last two years with us attending therapy, taking medications, shes been thriving at school (finishes school completely in a few months, as a great student - when she moved in here she had not even been attending at all), she wants to be a vet, shes been doing drama, musical theatre, singing, netball, karate (all her choice), made wonderful friendships and enjoying freedom to go out and have fun with her friends, got her first job, learner drivers permit (and will have her provisional licence in a month). Weve put endless time and energy and love into her healing and recovery and helping her grow her independence, self confidence and just really regain autonomy over her mind, body and life, and just... BE a teen.

I just want to know what she might be leaning towards (she doesnt seem to know at all), how these feelings played out for others, what to do to be supportive? What NOT to do or say.... this is very new territory for me but my husband and I are just very chill people who respect and love everyone and think differences between us all are special, to be celebrated and nurtured, not to be feared. Weve never done ir said anything that coukd make her feel she cant be her true self here, because we dont have those awful opinions of anyone or anything.

So far we talked about her sexuality and she said she loves boys and would be a gay man if she was a man.

We talked about whether she felt she had crappier experiences and opportunitues that mightve been better as a man, she really struggled to get to "where" the feelings came from. We talked about the sexual abuse and whether she felt she would have been safe from that if she were a boy. Shes always been an extremely frank and open communicator and i let her lead the discussion, but asked questions to help her unpack things. I said she can talk to me any time and we can talk to gender reaffirming counsellors if she would like me to arrange it.

It, genuinely, came out of nowhere for us. I would never ever ever have expected that from her (i have other young family members who I have wondered whether they feep they can be their true selves, but actually never had any sense of anything regarding her).

Shes super vocal and open about her feelings, thoughts etc, like literally in the moment, every day...and very close with us and has never mentuoned it, she also is obsessed with feminine stuff, makeup, lashes, feminine clothing, etc. She initiates big long conversations about emotional topics or human behaviours she doesnt understand, multiple times a week (mostly things she cant understanf because her autistic brain sees it or feels it so differently than her peer group).

I just want to get this right in terms of how I show up for her but also how i help HER unpack her thoights and figure out what she wants to do next. (She explicitly requested i NOT use he/him or gender neutral pronouns, btw).

Where do we go from here? Anyone have a similar experience? Any advice or ideas of how to help her find herself/take her next steps?

Ive been dealing with severe iron deficiency (iron at a 6 instead of 100+) finalised discovered that was the cause of severely depleted energy (not being able to keep on top of things at home, falling asleep after work, losing my exercise routine). I've had an infusion now and energy levels are very slowly improving day by day.

But over the past few months while I have felt this way, I challenged myself to think differently about chores around the house. I noticed i might get a tiny random bit of energy and want to clean a window that has been bugging me, or sort through a junk drawer, but then id remind myself i SHOULD be doing a more urgent daily or weekly job, like tidy the kitchen, laundry, wash dishes, vacuum and mop, and then I'd do nothing instead.

So i started to let myself go in the direction of whatever the random chore i felt interested in doing was, and just let myself stand up and do that thing at whatever moment the urge arose. And by doing that.... a few things happened over weeks...

1. Stuff was getting done and starting to add up over time, and make my home overall feel more clean and organised wholly, the little obscure things became noticable when lots of them were done gradually. Even 1 thing a day is still 365 things (as we know here in this forum).

2. Starting on the one "interesting task" which had a "lower barrier to entry" would help me get started with no/or less friction, and often leave me motivated or already having momentum, and id do another more boring daily cleaning task (like folding laundry, vacuuming, packing dishwasher) after it. Thus, i started getting through that stuff too, bit by bit.

3. Cleaning started to become something i had an overall nicer feeling about, rather than an immediate aversion, because i was letting it be associated with doing a fun little side quest I had wanted to do for ages but told myself "theres more importan/urgent stuff you should be doung around this house. I was having small victories that made me feel overall more optimistic about facing the task of boring house chores.

Mostly just the cumulative impact of this has been awesome. Things are overall cleaner, easier, i have small victories daily doing satifying things i want to do, often tac-on another boring chire at the end and dont realise I've done it .. theres less guilt and inner dialogue about it and i just get on with getting some damn stuff done without tying myself to stupid, self imposed, rules about it, that used to make me give up. It's like the mind change side of it gave me the freedom from something that was really causing me to freeze on taking action on anything.

Highly recommend if youre struggling with similar and needing to just get *something* done.

My husband and I very consciously chose to be one-and-done in 2008. Our son turns 18 this year, and I have never regretted that decision for a second.

Then life did something we never could have predicted.

About 18 months ago, our 16-year-old niece moved in with us. My husband and his brother had been mostly estranged for years, but our niece started playing online games with our son. That turned into chats with us, then a relationship that slowly grew. We eventually moved 400 kilometres to be closer to her, and a few months later, she came to live with us.

She arrived carrying so much hurt. She had experienced abuse, neglect and parentification, and was in an incredibly dark place. To be completely honest, I don't think she would still be here if she hadn't moved in.

The last year and a half has been intense. There have been hard days, lots of testing of our love and commitment, therapy appointments, difficult conversations, and many differences in values and life experiences. There have also been countless little moments and big gestures as we've tried to help her rediscover safety, stability, confidence, self-worth, joy and fun.

Through it all, our son has been amazing. They have a very sibling-like relationship at home while still having their own separate lives, friends and interests.

I often sit back and marvel at where life has taken us. We were the happiest, content little family of three, and I genuinely loved that about us. I still do. Yet now we have this extra kiddo, who is also about to turn 18, and our family looks completely different than we ever imagined.

And somehow, it's still beautiful.

In many ways, I think being OAD is exactly what made this possible. We had the emotional capacity, the physical space, the financial resources and the time to pour into this wonderful girl when she needed it most. That doesn't make our family better than anyone else's, but it has made me even more grateful for the choice we made.

I would choose our son, our family of three and our OAD journey over and over again if I woke up and had to do life from the beginning. At the same time, I am profoundly grateful our niece is with us. I have no idea what our relationship will look like in the future. Maybe she'll spread her wings and become fully independent. Maybe we'll always hold a special place in each other's lives and continue in a parent-like role. Whatever happens, she has changed us, and we love her dearly.

I stumbled across this page again tonight and felt reflective. I remembered how often we were ridiculed for consciously choosing to have an only child. People can be incredibly judgmental about OAD families.

The irony isn't lost on me that some of the people who criticised our choice are the very people whose child now lives safely in our home.

Life can change in an instant. Families can be built in ways you never expected. And sometimes, the choice that others judge the most ends up being exactly what allows you to show up for someone when they need you most.

I wondered if anyone else contentedly OAD, similarly "acquired" a second child later on?