u/Ok-Fox-2638

Is wanting to replay trauma sexually a common thing? Because when it comes to my traumatic experiences, I have a tendency to want to do that and to incorporate the bad and traumatic things that happened to me in the bedroom and my sexual fantasies. And they are extremely effective at getting me off. Do other people do that? Or is it just me? And is this something that’s unhealthy and that one should stay away from doing? Like I am not doing anything that’s physically dangerous. But psychologically is this something that’s damaging to do?

I’m not referring to SA. I have not had any sexual traumas. My traumatic experiences had nothing to do with that. But I now still tend to take those experiences with me into the bedroom.

Is wanting to replay trauma sexually a common thing? Because when it comes to my traumatic experiences, I have a tendency to want to do that and to incorporate the bad and traumatic things that happened to me in the bedroom and my sexual fantasies. Do other people do that? Or is it just me? And is this something that’s unhealthy and that one should stay away from doing? Like I am not doing anything that’s physically dangerous. But psychologically is this something that’s damaging to do?

I’m not referring to SA. I have not had any sexual traumas. My traumatic experiences had nothing to do with that. But I now still tend to take those experiences with me into the bedroom.

I know this happened years ago but it’s something that I just feel like I can’t seem to be able to get over.

I had a really bad reaction to the Covid vaccine. About six hours after the first dose of the Moderna vaccine, I felt high. The high was amazing. 10/10. I never felt better in my life. Then at midnight came the +40 C fever, hallucinations, physical pain so bad I was screaming, swollen lymph nodes, and two fingers on both hands going numb. The next day I couldn’t remember how to do things. Like I couldn’t remember how to brush my teeth. How to get dressed. How to type. How to play video games. I remember starring at the toothbrush and toothpaste like an idiot not knowing what to do. Despite knowing that I had done it thousands of times without even thinking about it.

Like in order to be able to do anything, I had to pay 100% attention to the thing that I was attempting to do. Otherwise disaster would happen. I would poke myself in the eye with the toothbrush instead of getting it into my mouth. Or get tangled in my clothes, etc… And since paying attention 100% of the time for tasks that should be automatic is very difficult, disaster happened all the time. And that’s for tasks that I could replicate by thinking about them. Things like typing properly or gaming or writing I was not able to replicate. Because I have no idea how to consciously guide my hands to do those things. I was only able to do them once memory kicked back in. And then there were things like cooking that I didn’t even attempt to do due to being too scared of screwing up and harming myself.

My hands also felt a lot weaker than usual, and I also had severe headaches that would come and go whenever they pleased. Usually, I only had a headache around one time a year. After about two weeks everything cleared up. My hands almost went back to normal again.

I thought what happened to me wasn’t just improbable. It was impossible. This is the type of story conspiracy theories are made of. I decided everything that happened must have been a coincidence. It had to be. I told my doctor about what happened, and he also thought it was a coincidence. My mom even asked before I got the second dose, “you do realize it will happen again, right?”
And I said, “Don’t worry it was a coincidence. It won’t happen again. Correlation doesn’t mean causation” (God. How much do I now hate that phrase).

So I, being an idiot, got the second dose. And the exact same reaction repeated again. It was like “copy and paste” from the first one. With the high, followed by the fever, hallucinations, physical pain, etc.. followed by me forgetting how to use my hands. Only this time around, it took me about a month to completely remember how to do things (although the first two weeks were the worst). And over a year and a half for the headaches to completely go away. I also felt fatigue, had trouble concentrating, slept for over 16 hours a day at one point, had hallucinations, and would feel cold (usually together with the headaches). I would have hallucinations where I would look at forks and see spoons or look at my brother and see a stranger. I also would have those episodes where the world around me would turn into cubes and break on itself. I also would feel dizzy and nauseous from time to time but that was more rare. Although at that point it was hard to tell if all of that was being caused by the vaccine or the medication I was taking to help with the headaches (my doc had prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride). I have now completely recovered. At least I hope I have completely recovered.
I still am worried it might rear its ugly head. Whatever “it” was. I don’t even know what “it” was.

To me it didn’t feel worth it. If I knew with 100% certainty it would have happened to me, I would have not chosen to get it done. I would have chosen to isolate myself instead and not gotten sick with Covid that way. Social isolation would have been way better than that Hell I lived through. (I’m saying this because “well… it was better than Covid” is an argument that everyone kept on telling me and it’s just getting very annoying because I really don’t care.) But I didn’t know what would happen. Or I guess after the first dose I did, but refused to accept reality. Because reality was just way too painful for me to accept. I also felt angry at myself for wasting so much time bitching, moaning, and complaining about things that were within my control to change. I had two perfectly working hands and a brain. I could have actually done things to fix my situation in life instead of just complaining how I suck at everything.

The worst part about it was that I felt like a slave to my own biology. If my body didn’t want me to go to sleep when I wanted to, I would have a headache. When my body didn’t want me to wake up when I wanted to, I would have the attention span of a goldfish and would be forced to go to sleep. If my body didn’t want me to wear what I wanted to, I would feel way too cold or warm and hence would be forced to change into something else. I felt like my body was running my life. My doctor insisting on trying lifestyle changes made this feeling way worse. After about two weeks of all of that, I didn’t want to go on living anymore. Not like that. I decided that had I not seen enough progress within six months after the second dose, I would kill myself. I had the exact date in mind and everything planned out. It’s really weird to remember. The second that I made that decision, I did not feel scared. Or angry. Or upset. Or anything else anymore. I just felt at peace. I stared into the abyss and found it comforting. My suffering being over in six months one way or the other was the only thing that could comfort me.

Socially, I feel like a heretic. Half of my friends think I’m crazy. And the other half are actually crazy. I’ve been called a lunatic, told that I should move to Florida “to live in my natural habitat with the anti vaxers”, and of course there are the classic “what will you do if you got beaten by a racoon?” jokes. These weren’t just random people online. Those were my friends. Or I guess people that I assumed were my friends. I knew most of them for years. And I couldn’t even be angry at them because I used to make the exact same jokes. When I had no right to make them. I now am forced to have empathy, compassion, and understanding for people that I used to hate.

I also was ignored by medical professionals. Some doctors did agree that what I was experiencing was real and that it was from a vaccine. But they said contradictory things. One said it was small fiber neuropathy and that my immune system started attacking my nervous system due to mRNA/LNP. He also did a half ass attempt at trying to treat me. And by a half ass attempt, I mean he took 10 minutes to look at my hands and then prescribed some vitamins, to which I ended up with an allergic reaction to. And didn’t run any tests. When I called him and said that I was screaming in pain, he also said “it’s normal. It’s just your immune system working” and didn’t give me the right pain meds on time, which is really the least he could have done. (To be fair he did said he would refer me to a specialist as far as my hands went but by the time he got around to that, they have gotten better on their own).

Another said it was long covid due to the spike protein. None of those doctors had any real clue on how to help me though. I got a brain MRI about a month later (which I paid for out of pocket because otherwise I would have s had to wait for a year) after the second dose which was clear and I also had a general blood test done, which also came back clear.

Other doctors also said that I was lying, I wouldn’t be able to prove anything, it was all in my head, it was anxiety (which to be fair, I was freaking out when this happened to me but I feel like not freaking out under the circumstances would have been unusual). That it was caused by me reading too many conspiracy theories and my mind manifesting it. One doctor said that I should “travel, party, and get drunk.” I was prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride, which looking back at it didn’t do anything to help.

I somehow managed to recover and I have no idea how. My best guess is time and an insane amount of luck. I now am constantly scared that my body will stop working. And that I will run out of time. That I will fail to use the second chance I’ve been given wisely. Whenever I feel any numbness in my leg or hands or when I accidentally miss click while gaming or when I find some random objects to be too heavy, I start freaking out. That I’m sick with something extremely serious and that this time I will not get a third chance. I constantly feel like I’m on borrowed time.

I’m also scared of vaccines. Whenever I read in some study that they “generate a robust immune response”, I automatically think “that’s a terrible idea that will go horribly, horribly wrong. Run. Run for the hills.”
I haven’t had most of my childhood vaccines done (my mom pick and chose) and wanted to finish the schedule after Covid. Me wanting to prove her wrong and shove it in her face was a major motivating factor but instead I managed to prove her right (in the narrative sense not scientific one). But now I’m way too scared to do that (maybe one day I will get over it but that day will not be today). I can’t think of them as safe no matter how hard I try or what the statistics say. And it feels like blasphemy for me to admit it. My doctor recommended for me to get the booster for Covid (the J&J one). I googled adverse events, came across an article about some poor guy being paralyzed, decided that would be my fate with my bad luck, and declined it. I have no idea if it would have harmed me or not but I was way too scared to find out.

I now have recurring nightmares about being vaccinated against my will while I try to tell the doctor and nurses to stop and that they will hurt me. But they refuse to listen and proceed anyways. And then I end up being paralyzed due to the vaccine. And then I die in the snow. It’s always snow and always peaceful. I feel embarrassed about it. I mean, I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be scared of vaccines.

I used to love science and I feel like this isn’t me. I was excited about mRNA tech (I viewed it like sci fi magic) and really wanted to take the Covid vaccine. I feel like I’m not allowed to love science anymore or look towards it for hope. At least that’s what a lot of people told me.

I now feel like I’m being anti science. And like I became the person that I used to hate. I now just can’t look at them as routine no matter how hard I try. I feel like this isn’t me. When I read studies about vaccines or new clinical trials, I feel either fear, dread, anger, or guilt. And I hate this. I hate it so much. It keeps me awake at night. I feel dirty, impure, like I’m a biohazard. Like I’m turning into my mom. Like I don’t have the right to learn anything math/stats/science related until I get all of them done. Like I should call my doc, apologize for saying no to the booster, and get all of them done.

I remember I got harassed by the school nurse growing up. And parents of other kids said they didn’t want kids who were unvaccinated around their kids. They didn’t know I didn’t had all my vaccines done. But if they did, I know they wouldn’t want me around. This was way before Covid. It made me feel like what did the nurse want me to do? She did this for years. Like I even tried to go behind my parents’ back when I was 18 but the doc said she felt uncomfortable to do it without my parents’ consent.

l disagreed with my mom and she also had some wacky beliefs as well. Like she was a creationist, etc… and I wanted to be nothing like her. Most of my friends were pro vaccines and I made fun of anyone who claimed that they had a bad experience with them. Also times when I tried to show some nuance or some sympathy for them, my pro vax friends made it clear I was in the wrong so I doubled down on the jokes. And when the point came that I had my own money, it was Covid and so I decided to start with the Covid one and then get all of the other ones done that I had missing (my mom did gave her agreement to the Covid vaccine due to the pandemic and also how highly I spoke of the vaccine before getting it done). And then everything went wrong. And now I feel like my body and my blood is impure due to me being more likely to carry some disease.

I know this happened years ago but it’s something that I just feel like I can’t seem to be able to get over.

I had a really bad reaction to the Covid vaccine. About six hours after the first dose of the Moderna vaccine, I felt high. The high was amazing. 10/10. I never felt better in my life. Then at midnight came the +40 C fever, hallucinations, physical pain so bad I was screaming, swollen lymph nodes, and two fingers on both hands going numb. The next day I couldn’t remember how to do things. Like I couldn’t remember how to brush my teeth. How to get dressed. How to type. How to play video games. I remember starring at the toothbrush and toothpaste like an idiot not knowing what to do. Despite knowing that I had done it thousands of times without even thinking about it.

Like in order to be able to do anything, I had to pay 100% attention to the thing that I was attempting to do. Otherwise disaster would happen. I would poke myself in the eye with the toothbrush instead of getting it into my mouth. Or get tangled in my clothes, etc… And since paying attention 100% of the time for tasks that should be automatic is very difficult, disaster happened all the time. And that’s for tasks that I could replicate by thinking about them. Things like typing properly or gaming or writing I was not able to replicate. Because I have no idea how to consciously guide my hands to do those things. I was only able to do them once memory kicked back in. And then there were things like cooking that I didn’t even attempt to do due to being too scared of screwing up and harming myself.

My hands also felt a lot weaker than usual (with two fingers on each hand going numb), and I also had severe headaches that would come and go whenever they pleased. Usually, I only had a headache around one time a year. After about two weeks everything cleared up. My hands almost went back to normal again.

I thought what happened to me wasn’t just improbable. It was impossible. This is the type of story conspiracy theories are made of. And I swear I’m not lying. This really happened to me. I lived through it. I decided everything that happened must have been a coincidence. It had to be. I told my doctor about what happened, and he also thought it was a coincidence. My mom even asked before I got the second dose, “you do realize it will happen again, right?” And I said, “Don’t worry it was a coincidence. It won’t happen again. Correlation doesn’t mean causation” (God. How much do I now hate that phrase).

So I got the second dose. And the exact same reaction repeated again. It was like “copy and paste” from the first one. With the high, followed by the fever, hallucinations, physical pain, etc.. followed by me forgetting how to use my hands. Only this time around, it took me about a month to completely remember how to do things (although the first two weeks were the worst). And over a year and a half for the headaches to completely go away. I also felt fatigue, had trouble concentrating, slept for over 16 hours a day at one point, had hallucinations, and would feel cold (usually together with the headaches). I would have hallucinations where I would look at forks and see spoons or look at my brother and see a stranger. I also would have those episodes where the world around me would turn into cubes and break on itself. I also would feel dizzy and nauseous from time to time but that was more rare. Although at that point it was hard to tell if all of that was being caused by the vaccine or the medication I was taking to help with the headaches (my doc had prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride). I have now completely recovered. At least I hope I have completely recovered. I still am worried it might rear its ugly head. Whatever “it” was. I don’t even know what “it” was.

Psychologically, I have been and still am in some ways a mess. I prayed to every God and Goddess I could come up with despite being an atheist. And made promises that I now both feel really embarrassed about while at the same time bound to fulfill. I was angry, really angry – at my doctor, at Moderna, but most of all, at myself. After all no one forced me to do it. I did it out of my own free will. I ignored the only rule that I hold sacred in my life: if the truth smacks you in the face, you have no choice but to accept it. It smacked me in the face the first time. I rejected it. So it smacked me in the face again. This time hard enough to really drive the point home.

To me it didn’t feel worth it. If I knew with 100% certainty it would have happened to me, I would have not chosen to get it done. I would have chosen to isolate myself instead and not gotten sick with Covid that way. Social isolation would have been way better than that Hell I lived through. (I’m saying this because “well… it was better than Covid” is an argument that everyone kept on telling me and it’s just getting very annoying because I really don’t care.) But I didn’t know what would happen. Or I guess after the first dose I did, but refused to accept reality. Because reality was just way too painful for me to accept. I also felt angry at myself for wasting so much time bitching, moaning, and complaining about things that were within my control to change. I had two perfectly working hands and a brain. I could have actually done things to fix my situation in life instead of just complaining how I suck at everything.

The worst part about it was that I felt like a slave to my own biology. If my body didn’t want me to go to sleep when I wanted to, I would have a headache. When my body didn’t want me to wake up when I wanted to, I would have the attention span of a goldfish and would be forced to go to sleep. If my body didn’t want me to wear what I wanted to, I would feel way too cold or warm and hence would be forced to change into something else. I felt like my body was running my life. My doctor insisting on trying lifestyle changes made this feeling way worse. After about two weeks of all of that, I didn’t want to go on living anymore. Not like that. I decided that had I not seen enough progress within six months after the second dose, I would kill myself. I had the exact date in mind and everything planned out. It’s really weird to remember. The second that I made that decision, I did not feel scared. Or angry. Or upset. Or anything else anymore. I just felt at peace.

I would tell myself over and over again “it’s ok. You’ll just end it if it doesn’t get better. So everything is ok. You have nothing to be scared of. Or worry about. In the worst case it would be over in six months and you can have peace”. I didn’t think about anything I would be missing out on. Or how bad it would be to be deprived of life. Like clearly everything was not ok. I’m really happy I have recovered and I feel really grateful and happy for my life. Luckily, I’ve seen enough progress by the end of six months to not do it. And to this day I feel insanely grateful to be alive.

Socially, I feel like a heretic. Half of my friends think I’m crazy. And the other half are actually crazy. I’ve been called a lunatic, told that I should move to Florida “to live in my natural habitat with the anti vaxers”, and of course there are the classic “what will you do if you got beaten by a racoon?” jokes. These weren’t just random people online. Those were my friends. Or I guess people that I assumed were my friends. I knew most of them for years. And I couldn’t even be angry at them because I used to make the exact same jokes. When I had no right to make them. I now am forced to have empathy, compassion, and understanding for people that I used to hate.

I also was ignored by medical professionals. Some doctors did agree that what I was experiencing was real and that it was from a vaccine. But they said contradictory things. One said it was small fiber neuropathy and that my immune system started attacking my nervous system due to mRNA/LNP. He also did a half ass attempt at trying to treat me. And by a half ass attempt, I mean he took 10 minutes to look at my hands and then prescribed some vitamins, to which I ended up with an allergic reaction to. And didn’t run any tests. When I called him and said that I was screaming in pain, he also said “it’s normal. It’s just your immune system working” and didn’t give me the right pain meds on time, which is really the least he could have done. (To be fair he did said he would refer me to a specialist as far as my hands went but by the time he got around to that, they have gotten better on their own).

Another said it was long covid due to the spike protein. None of those doctors had any real clue on how to help me though. I got a brain MRI about a month later (which I paid for out of pocket because otherwise I would have had to wait for a year) after the second dose which was clear and I also had a general blood test done, which also came back clear.

Other doctors also said that I was lying, I wouldn’t be able to prove anything, it was all in my head, it was anxiety (which to be fair, I was freaking out when this happened to me but I feel like not freaking out under the circumstances would have been unusual). That it was caused by me reading too many conspiracy theories and my mind manifesting it. One doctor said that I should “travel, party, and get drunk.”

I somehow managed to recover and I have no idea how. My best guess is time and an insane amount of luck. I now am constantly scared that my body will stop working. And that I will run out of time. That I will fail to use the second chance I’ve been given wisely. Whenever I feel any numbness in my leg or hands or when I accidentally miss click while gaming or when I find some random objects to be too heavy, I start freaking out. That I’m sick with something extremely serious and that this time I will not get a third chance. I constantly feel like I’m on borrowed time.

I’m also scared of vaccines. Whenever I read in some study that they “generate a robust immune response”, I automatically think “that’s a terrible idea that will go horribly, horribly wrong. Run. Run for the hills.”
I haven’t had most of my childhood vaccines done (my mom pick and chose) and wanted to finish the schedule after Covid. Me wanting to prove her wrong and shove it in her face was a major motivating factor but instead I managed to prove her right (in the narrative sense not scientific one). But now I’m way too scared to do that (maybe one day I will get over it but that day will not be today). I can’t think of them as safe no matter how hard I try or what the statistics say. And it feels like blasphemy for me to admit it. My doctor recommended for me to get the booster for Covid (the J&J one). I googled adverse events, came across an article about some poor guy being paralyzed, decided that would be my fate with my bad luck, and declined it. I have no idea if it would have harmed me or not but I was way too scared to find out.

I now have recurring nightmares about being vaccinated against my will while I try to tell the doctor and nurses to stop and that they will hurt me. But they refuse to listen and proceed anyways. And then I end up being paralyzed due to the vaccine. And then I die in the snow. It’s always snow and always peaceful. I feel embarrassed about it. I mean, I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be scared of vaccines.

I used to love science and I feel like this isn’t me. I was excited about mRNA tech (I viewed it like sci fi magic) and really wanted to take the Covid vaccine. I feel like I’m not allowed to love science anymore or look towards it for hope. At least that’s what a lot of people told me.

Right now I’m stuck in this loop of self judgment, desire, fear. It keeps on tormenting me, keeping me up at nights. Self-Judgment says: An anti vaxer who loves science is an oxymoron. You should not have the right to say no while claiming to love science. Get over yourself and get all of them done. Or go and start selling essential oils with those crazy people. You are a biohazard. You are disgusting. You are impure. You betrayed your values and turned into your mom. What’s next? You will selectively believe in the theory of evolution?

Then desire goes: Common this isn’t you. You love progress. You love technology. If you get all of them done, the loop will finally stop. You will have closure. You’ll finally have peace. It will be beautiful. You will finally be pure. It will feel good.

And then the fear goes: Last time you tried this, you almost killed yourself. Don’t you dare. Vaccines are dangerous. Run. Run for the hills. They are like Russian Roullete. You might be ok or it could all end in another disaster. And the odds for you are unknown and probably different for each one. Only this time, you might be out of chances. Who knows? No one does. No one knows anything. You know if it happens again you wouldn’t forgive yourself. Only do it if there is no other choice and you will otherwise die. Otherwise stay the hell away. Do you want to scream in pain again while your doc shrugs and says it’s normal? No. You don’t. So don’t do it.

I now feel like I’m being anti science. And like I became the person that I used to hate. I now just can’t look at them as routine no matter how hard I try. I feel like this isn’t me. When I read studies about vaccines or new clinical trials, I feel either fear, dread, anger, or guilt. And I hate this. I hate it so much. It keeps me awake at night. I feel dirty, impure, like I’m a biohazard. Like I’m turning into my mom. Like I don’t have the right to learn anything math/stats/science related until I get all of them done. Like I should call my doc, apologize for saying no to the booster, and get all of them done.

I remember I got harassed by the school nurse growing up. And parents of other kids said they didn’t want kids who were unvaccinated around their kids. They didn’t know I didn’t had all my vaccines done. But if they did, I know they wouldn’t want me around. This was way before Covid. It made me feel like what did the nurse want me to do? She did this for years. Like I even tried to go behind my parents’ back when I was 18 but the doc said she felt uncomfortable to do it without my parents’ consent.

My mom was also overbearing in other ways. And she also had other weird beliefs like she believed in curses and she is a creationist. And I wanted to be nothing like her and I decided that I wanted to follow the science on everything. At that point, I decided I would solve this problem later when I had my own money and more freedom. So I didn’t feel dirty or impure because I thought I would solve it as soon as possible and hence I would retroactively be cleaned. And so I felt like I belonged with the pro vax side despite not having all of the vaccines done because I agreed with them and had a plan and so I made fun of people who were scared of vaccines. Also times when I tried to show some nuance or some sympathy for them, my pro vax friends made it clear I was in the wrong so I doubled down on the jokes. Even though I was a hypocrite and had 0 right to make those jokes. And when the point came that I had my own money, it was Covid and so I decided to start with the Covid one and then get all of the other ones done that I had missing (my mom did gave her agreement to the Covid vaccine due to the pandemic and also how highly I spoke of the vaccine before getting it done). And then everything went wrong. And now I feel like I can never be pure or clean or civilized or not a biohazard. And I feel like because I don’t have all of them done, I’m more likely to get sick. And hence my body and my blood is impure due to me being more likely to carry some disease which would make me disgusting/dirty/uncivilized.

I understand it is a small price to pay for progress after all and science had done a lot of good for me. But I just don’t seem to be able to do that. I just don’t seem to be able to accept myself as collateral damage even though I understand someone had to be.

I also understand what happened to me is extremely rare. I could not find a single other person like me. And I don’t tell other people not to vaccinate. I have no problem with the concept of vaccines. And I do not think they cause autism or cancer or have microchips or other ridiculousness. And I would vaccinate my pets against everything and anything. And I’m also not saying I would never take another one. Maybe I will one day. But right now I feel way too scared to. Does this make me a bad person?

I know this happened years ago but it’s something that I just feel like I can’t seem to be able to get over.

I had a really bad reaction to the Covid vaccine. About six hours after the first dose of the Moderna vaccine, I felt high. The high was amazing. 10/10. I never felt better in my life. Then at midnight came the +40 C fever, hallucinations, physical pain so bad I was screaming, swollen lymph nodes, and two fingers on both hands going numb. The next day I couldn’t remember how to do things. Like I couldn’t remember how to brush my teeth. How to get dressed. How to type. How to play video games. I remember starring at the toothbrush and toothpaste like an idiot not knowing what to do. Despite knowing that I had done it thousands of times without even thinking about it.

Like in order to be able to do anything, I had to pay 100% attention to the thing that I was attempting to do. Otherwise disaster would happen. I would poke myself in the eye with the toothbrush instead of getting it into my mouth. Or get tangled in my clothes, etc… And since paying attention 100% of the time for tasks that should be automatic is very difficult, disaster happened all the time. And that’s for tasks that I could replicate by thinking about them. Things like typing properly or gaming or writing I was not able to replicate. Because I have no idea how to consciously guide my hands to do those things. I was only able to do them once memory kicked back in. And then there were things like cooking that I didn’t even attempt to do due to being too scared of screwing up and harming myself.

My hands also felt a lot weaker than usual, and I also had severe headaches that would come and go whenever they pleased. Usually, I only had a headache around one time a year. After about two weeks everything cleared up. My hands almost went back to normal again.

I thought what happened to me wasn’t just improbable. It was impossible. This is the type of story conspiracy theories are made of. I decided everything that happened must have been a coincidence. It had to be. I told my doctor about what happened, and he also thought it was a coincidence. My mom even asked before I got the second dose, “you do realize it will happen again, right?”
And I said, “Don’t worry it was a coincidence. It won’t happen again. Correlation doesn’t mean causation” (God. How much do I now hate that phrase).

So I, being an idiot, got the second dose. And the exact same reaction repeated again. It was like “copy and paste” from the first one. With the high, followed by the fever, hallucinations, physical pain, etc.. followed by me forgetting how to use my hands. Only this time around, it took me about a month to completely remember how to do things (although the first two weeks were the worst). And over a year and a half for the headaches to completely go away. I also felt fatigue, had trouble concentrating, slept for over 16 hours a day at one point, had hallucinations, and would feel cold (usually together with the headaches). I would have hallucinations where I would look at forks and see spoons or look at my brother and see a stranger. I also would have those episodes where the world around me would turn into cubes and break on itself. I also would feel dizzy and nauseous from time to time but that was more rare. Although at that point it was hard to tell if all of that was being caused by the vaccine or the medication I was taking to help with the headaches (my doc had prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride). I have now completely recovered. At least I hope I have completely recovered.
I still am worried it might rear its ugly head. Whatever “it” was. I don’t even know what “it” was.

Psychologically, I have been and still am in some ways a mess. I prayed to every God and Goddess I could come up with despite being an atheist. And made promises that I now both feel really embarrassed about while at the same time bound to fulfill. I was angry, really angry – at my doctor, at Moderna, but most of all, at myself. After all no one forced me to do it. I did it out of my own free will. I ignored the only rule that I hold sacred in my life: if the truth smacks you in the face, you have no choice but to accept it. It smacked me in the face the first time. I rejected it. So it smacked me in the face again. This time hard enough to really drive the point home.

To me it didn’t feel worth it. If I knew with 100% certainty it would have happened to me, I would have not chosen to get it done. I would have chosen to isolate myself instead and not gotten sick with Covid that way. Social isolation would have been way better than that Hell I lived through. (I’m saying this because “well… it was better than Covid” is an argument that everyone kept on telling me and it’s just getting very annoying because I really don’t care.) But I didn’t know what would happen. Or I guess after the first dose I did, but refused to accept reality. Because reality was just way too painful for me to accept. I also felt angry at myself for wasting so much time bitching, moaning, and complaining about things that were within my control to change. I had two perfectly working hands and a brain. I could have actually done things to fix my situation in life instead of just complaining how I suck at everything.

The worst part about it was that I felt like a slave to my own biology. If my body didn’t want me to go to sleep when I wanted to, I would have a headache. When my body didn’t want me to wake up when I wanted to, I would have the attention span of a goldfish and would be forced to go to sleep. If my body didn’t want me to wear what I wanted to, I would feel way too cold or warm and hence would be forced to change into something else. I felt like my body was running my life. My doctor insisting on trying lifestyle changes made this feeling way worse. After about two weeks of all of that, I didn’t want to go on living anymore. Not like that. I decided that had I not seen enough progress within six months after the second dose, I would kill myself. I had the exact date in mind and everything planned out. It’s really weird to remember. The second that I made that decision, I did not feel scared. Or angry. Or upset. Or anything else anymore. I just felt at peace. I stared into the abyss and found it comforting. My suffering being over in six months one way or the other was the only thing that could comfort me.

I would tell myself over and over again “it’s ok. You’ll just end it if it doesn’t get better. So everything is ok. You have nothing to be scared of. Or worry about. In the worst case it would be over in six months and you can have peace”. I didn’t think about anything I would be missing out on. Or how bad it would be to be deprived of life. Like clearly everything was not ok. I’m really happy I have recovered and I feel really grateful and happy for my life. Luckily, I’ve seen enough progress by the end of six months to not do it. And to this day I feel insanely grateful to be alive.

Socially, I feel like a heretic. Half of my friends think I’m crazy. And the other half are actually crazy. I’ve been called a lunatic, told that I should move to Florida “to live in my natural habitat with the anti vaxers”, and of course there are the classic “what will you do if you got beaten by a racoon?” jokes. These weren’t just random people online. Those were my friends. Or I guess people that I assumed were my friends. I knew most of them for years. And I couldn’t even be angry at them because I used to make the exact same jokes. When I had no right to make them. I now am forced to have empathy, compassion, and understanding for people that I used to hate.

I also was very much ignored by medical professionals, despite coming from a wealthy family. Some doctors did agree that what I was experiencing was real and that it was from a vaccine. But they said contradictory things. One said it was small fiber neuropathy and that my immune system started attacking my nervous system due to mRNA/LNP. He also did a half ass attempt at trying to treat me. And by a half ass attempt, I mean he took 10 minutes to look at my hands and then prescribed some vitamins, to which I ended up with an allergic reaction to. And didn’t run any tests. When I called him and said that I was screaming in pain, he also said “it’s normal. It’s just your immune system working” and didn’t give me the right pain meds on time, which is really the least he could have done. (To be fair he did said he would refer me to a specialist as far as my hands went but by the time he got around to that, they have gotten better on their own). Another said it was long covid due to the spike protein. None of those doctors had any real clue on how to help me though.

Other doctors also said that I was lying, I wouldn’t be able to prove anything, it was all in my head, it was anxiety (which to be fair, I was freaking out when this happened to me but I feel like not freaking out under the circumstances would have been unusual). That it was caused by me reading too many conspiracy theories and my mind manifesting it. One doctor said that I should “travel, party, and get drunk.” I was prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride, which looking back at it didn’t do anything to help.

I somehow managed to recover and I have no idea how. My best guess is time and an insane amount of luck. I now am constantly scared that my body will stop working. And that I will run out of time. That I will fail to use the second chance I’ve been given wisely. Whenever I feel any numbness in my leg or hands or when I accidentally miss click while gaming or when I find some random objects to be too heavy, I start freaking out. That I’m sick with something extremely serious and that this time I will not get a third chance. I constantly feel like I’m on borrowed time.

I’m also scared of vaccines. Whenever I read in some study that they “generate a robust immune response”, I automatically think “that’s a terrible idea that will go horribly, horribly wrong. Run. Run for the hills.”
I haven’t had most of my childhood vaccines done (my mom pick and chose) and wanted to finish the schedule after Covid. Me wanting to prove her wrong and shove it in her face was a major motivating factor but instead I managed to prove her right (in the narrative sense not scientific one). But now I’m way too scared to do that (maybe one day I will get over it but that day will not be today). I can’t think of them as safe no matter how hard I try or what the statistics say. And it feels like blasphemy for me to admit it. My doctor recommended for me to get the booster for Covid (the J&J one). I googled adverse events, came across an article about some poor guy being paralyzed, decided that would be my fate with my bad luck, and declined it. I have no idea if it would have harmed me or not but I was way too scared to find out.

I now have recurring nightmares about being vaccinated against my will while I try to tell the doctor and nurses to stop and that they will hurt me. But they refuse to listen and proceed anyways. And then I end up being paralyzed due to the vaccine. And then I die in the snow. It’s always snow and always peaceful. I feel embarrassed about it. I mean, I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be scared of vaccines.

I used to love science and I feel like this isn’t me. I was excited about mRNA tech (I viewed it like sci fi magic) and really wanted to take the Covid vaccine. I feel like I’m not allowed to love science anymore or look towards it for hope. At least that’s what a lot of people told me.

Right now I’m stuck in this loop of self judgment, desire, fear. It keeps on tormenting me, keeping me up at nights. Self-Judgment says: An anti vaxer who loves science is an oxymoron. You should not have the right to say no while claiming to love science. Get over yourself and get all of them done. Or go and start selling essential oils with those crazy people. You are a biohazard. You are disgusting. You are impure. You betrayed your values and turned into your mom. What’s next? You will selectively believe in the theory of evolution?

Then desire goes: Common this isn’t you. You love progress. You love technology. If you get all of them done, the loop will finally stop. You will have closure. You’ll finally have peace. It will be beautiful. You will finally be pure. It will feel good.

And then the fear goes: Last time you tried this, you almost killed yourself. Don’t you dare. Vaccines are dangerous. Run. Run for the hills. They are like Russian Roullete. You might be ok or it could all end in another disaster. And the odds for you are unknown and probably different for each one. Only this time, you might be out of chances. Who knows? No one does. No one knows anything. You know if it happens again you wouldn’t forgive yourself. Only do it if there is no other choice and you will otherwise die. Otherwise stay the hell away. Do you want to scream in pain again while your doc shrugs and says it’s normal? No. You don’t. So don’t do it.

I now feel like I’m being anti science. And like I became the person that I used to hate. I now just can’t look at them as routine no matter how hard I try. I feel like this isn’t me. When I read studies about vaccines or new clinical trials, I feel either fear, dread, anger, or guilt. And I hate this. I hate it so much. It keeps me awake at night. I feel dirty, impure, like I’m a biohazard. Like I’m turning into my mom. Like I don’t have the right to learn anything math/stats/science related until I get all of them done. Like I should call my doc, apologize for saying no to the booster, and get all of them done.

I remember I got harassed by the school nurse growing up. And parents of other kids said they didn’t want kids who were unvaccinated around their kids. They didn’t know I didn’t had all my vaccines done. But if they did, I know they wouldn’t want me around. This was way before Covid. It made me feel like what did the nurse want me to do? She did this for years. Like I even tried to go behind my parents’ back when I was 18 but the doc said she felt uncomfortable to do it without my parents’ consent.

My mom was also overbearing in other ways. And she also had other weird beliefs like she believed in curses and she is a creationist. And I wanted to be nothing like her and I decided that I wanted to follow the science on everything. At that point, I decided I would solve this problem later when I had my own money and more freedom. So I didn’t feel dirty or impure because I thought I would solve it as soon as possible and hence I would retroactively be cleaned. And so I felt like I belonged with the pro vax side despite not having all of the vaccines done because I agreed with them and had a plan and so I made fun of people who were scared of vaccines. Also times when I tried to show some nuance or some sympathy for them, my pro vax friends made it clear I was in the wrong so I doubled down on the jokes. Even though I was a hypocrite and had 0 right to make those jokes. And when the point came that I had my own money, it was Covid and so I decided to start with the Covid one and then get all of the other ones done that I had missing (my mom did gave her agreement to the Covid vaccine due to the pandemic and also how highly I spoke of the vaccine before getting it done). And then everything went wrong. And now I feel like I can never be pure or clean or civilized or not a biohazard. And I feel like because I don’t have all of them done, I’m more likely to get sick. And hence my body and my blood is impure due to me being more likely to carry some disease which would make me disgusting/dirty/uncivilized.

I feel like I turned into my mom. I am the person that I used to hate. I wanted to follow the science on everything. And now I feel too scared to do so when it comes to vaccines.

I understand it is a small price to pay for progress after all and science had done a lot of good for me. But I just don’t seem to be able to do that. I just don’t seem to be able to accept myself as collateral damage even though I understand someone had to be.

I’m not looking for medical advice. I just emotionally/psychologically don’t know how to move on and stop being scared and how to stop feeling like I’m a bad person.

I had a really bad reaction to the Covid vaccine. About six hours after the first dose of the Moderna vaccine, I felt high. The high was amazing. 10/10. I never felt better in my life. Then at midnight came the +40 C fever, hallucinations, physical pain so bad I was screaming, swollen lymph nodes, and two fingers on both hands going numb. The next day I couldn’t remember how to do things. Like I couldn’t remember how to brush my teeth. How to get dressed. How to type. How to play video games. I remember starring at the toothbrush and toothpaste like an idiot not knowing what to do. Despite knowing that I had done it thousands of times without even thinking about it.

Like in order to be able to do anything, I had to pay 100% attention to the thing that I was attempting to do. Otherwise disaster would happen. I would poke myself in the eye with the toothbrush instead of getting it into my mouth. Or get tangled in my clothes, etc… And since paying attention 100% of the time for tasks that should be automatic is very difficult, disaster happened all the time. And that’s for tasks that I could replicate by thinking about them. Things like typing properly or gaming or writing I was not able to replicate. Because I have no idea how to consciously guide my hands to do those things. I was only able to do them once memory kicked back in. And then there were things like cooking that I didn’t even attempt to do due to being too scared of screwing up and harming myself.

My hands also felt a lot weaker than usual, and I also had severe headaches that would come and go whenever they pleased. Usually, I only had a headache around one time a year. After about two weeks everything cleared up. My hands almost went back to normal again.

I thought what happened to me wasn’t just improbable. It was impossible. This is the type of story conspiracy theories are made of. I decided everything that happened must have been a coincidence. It had to be. I told my doctor about what happened, and he also thought it was a coincidence. My mom even asked before I got the second dose, “you do realize it will happen again, right?”
And I said, “Don’t worry it was a coincidence. It won’t happen again. Correlation doesn’t mean causation” (God. How much do I now hate that phrase).

So I, being an idiot, got the second dose. And the exact same reaction repeated again. It was like “copy and paste” from the first one. With the high, followed by the fever, hallucinations, physical pain, etc.. followed by me forgetting how to use my hands. Only this time around, it took me about a month to completely remember how to do things (although the first two weeks were the worst). And over a year and a half for the headaches to completely go away. I also felt fatigue, had trouble concentrating, slept for over 16 hours a day at one point, had hallucinations, and would feel cold (usually together with the headaches). I would have hallucinations where I would look at forks and see spoons or look at my brother and see a stranger. I also would have those episodes where the world around me would turn into cubes and break on itself. I also would feel dizzy and nauseous from time to time but that was more rare. Although at that point it was hard to tell if all of that was being caused by the vaccine or the medication I was taking to help with the headaches (my doc had prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride). I have now completely recovered. At least I hope I have completely recovered.
I still am worried it might rear its ugly head. Whatever “it” was. I don’t even know what “it” was.

Psychologically, I have been and still am in some ways a mess. I prayed to every God and Goddess I could come up with despite being an atheist. And made promises that I now both feel really embarrassed about while at the same time bound to fulfill. I was angry, really angry – at my doctor, at Moderna, but most of all, at myself. After all no one forced me to do it. I did it out of my own free will. I ignored the only rule that I hold sacred in my life: if the truth smacks you in the face, you have no choice but to accept it. It smacked me in the face the first time. I rejected it. So it smacked me in the face again. This time hard enough to really drive the point home.

To me it didn’t feel worth it. If I knew with 100% certainty it would have happened to me, I would have not chosen to get it done. I would have chosen to isolate myself instead and not gotten sick with Covid that way. Social isolation would have been way better than that Hell I lived through. (I’m saying this because “well… it was better than Covid” is an argument that everyone kept on telling me and it’s just getting very annoying because I really don’t care.) But I didn’t know what would happen. Or I guess after the first dose I did, but refused to accept reality. Because reality was just way too painful for me to accept. I also felt angry at myself for wasting so much time bitching, moaning, and complaining about things that were within my control to change. I had two perfectly working hands and a brain. I could have actually done things to fix my situation in life instead of just complaining how I suck at everything.

The worst part about it was that I felt like a slave to my own biology. If my body didn’t want me to go to sleep when I wanted to, I would have a headache. When my body didn’t want me to wake up when I wanted to, I would have the attention span of a goldfish and would be forced to go to sleep. If my body didn’t want me to wear what I wanted to, I would feel way too cold or warm and hence would be forced to change into something else. I felt like my body was running my life. My doctor insisting on trying lifestyle changes made this feeling way worse. After about two weeks of all of that, I didn’t want to go on living anymore. Not like that. I decided that had I not seen enough progress within six months after the second dose, I would kill myself. I had the exact date in mind and everything planned out. It’s really weird to remember. The second that I made that decision, I did not feel scared. Or angry. Or upset. Or anything else anymore. I just felt at peace. I stared into the abyss and found it comforting. My suffering being over in six months one way or the other was the only thing that could comfort me.

I would tell myself over and over again “it’s ok. You’ll just end it if it doesn’t get better. So everything is ok. You have nothing to be scared of. Or worry about. In the worst case it would be over in six months and you can have peace”. I didn’t think about anything I would be missing out on. Or how bad it would be to be deprived of life. Like clearly everything was not ok. I’m really happy I have recovered and I feel really grateful and happy for my life.

I find death absolutely terrifying today. I love life and do not want to die. Or I guess I don’t want to stare into that abyss again and find it alluring. Luckily, I’ve seen enough progress by the end of six months to not do it.

Socially, I feel like a heretic. Half of my friends think I’m crazy. And the other half are actually crazy. I’ve been called a lunatic, told that I should move to Florida “to live in my natural habitat with the anti vaxers”, and of course there are the classic “what will you do if you got beaten by a racoon?” jokes. These weren’t just random people online. Those were my friends. Or I guess people that I assumed were my friends. I knew most of them for years. And I couldn’t even be angry at them because I used to make the exact same jokes. When I had no right to make them. I now am forced to have empathy, compassion, and understanding for people that I used to hate. I always thought all of those people suing to get compensation for vaccine injuries are just faking it or lying about it to get easy money. Or that all of those stories online are just made up for people to sell essential oils. That all of the parents (including my mom) who feel concerned or scared of vaccines must be just irrational delusional conspiracy theorists. And to be fair, some of those stories are probably made up (and I have no compassion for those people). And a good amount are probably coincidences. But some of them are also probably real, devastating, and tragic. And I somehow made them into jokes.

I also was very much ignored by medical professionals, despite coming from a wealthy family. Some doctors did agree that what I was experiencing was real and that it was from a vaccine. But they said contradictory things. One said it was small fiber neuropathy and that my immune system started attacking my nervous system due to mRNA/LNP. He also did a half ass attempt at trying to treat me. And by a half ass attempt, I mean he took 10 minutes to look at my hands and then prescribed some vitamins, to which I ended up with an allergic reaction to. And didn’t run any tests. When I called him and said that I was screaming in pain, he also said “it’s normal. It’s just your immune system working” and didn’t give me the right pain meds on time, which is really the least he could have done. (To be fair he did said he would refer me to a specialist as far as my hands went but by the time he/we got to that, they have gotten better on their own).

Another said it was long covid due to the spike protein. None of those doctors had any real clue on how to help me though. I got a brain MRI about a month later after the second dose which was clear and I also had a general blood test done, which also came back clear. I also had my eyes and heart checked which also were clear. Those were the only tests done.

Other doctors also said that I was lying, I wouldn’t be able to prove anything, it was all in my head, it was anxiety (which to be fair, I was freaking out when this happened to me but I feel like not freaking out under the circumstances would be unusual). That it was caused by me reading too many conspiracy theories and my mind manifesting it. One doctor said that I should “travel, party, and get drunk.” I was prescribed Clonazepam and clomipramine hydrochloride, which looking back at it didn’t do anything to help.

I somehow managed to recover and I have no idea how. My best guess is time and an insane amount of luck. I now am constantly scared that my body will stop working. And that I will run out of time. That I will fail to use the second chance I’ve been given wisely. Whenever I feel any numbness in my leg or hands or when I accidentally miss click while gaming or when I find some random objects to be too heavy, I start freaking out. That I’m sick with something extremely serious and that this time I will not get a third chance. I constantly feel like I’m on borrowed time.

I’m also scared of vaccines. Whenever I read in some study that they “generate a robust immune response”, I automatically think “that’s a terrible idea that will go horribly, horribly wrong. Run. Run for the hills.”
I haven’t had most of my childhood vaccines done (my mom pick and chose) and wanted to finish the schedule after Covid. Me wanting to prove her wrong and shove it in her face was a major motivating factor but instead I managed to prove her right (in the narrative sense not scientific one). But now I’m way too scared to do that (maybe one day I will get over it but that day will not be today). I can’t think of them as safe no matter how hard I try or what the statistics say. And it feels like blasphemy for me to admit it. My doctor tried to pressure me into taking the booster for Covid (the J&J one). I googled adverse events, came across an article about some poor guy being paralyzed, decided that would be my fate with my bad luck, and declined it. I have no idea if it would have harmed me or not but I was way too scared to find out.

I now have recurring nightmares about being vaccinated against my will while I try to tell the doctor and nurses to stop and that they will hurt me. But they refuse to listen and proceed anyways. And then I end up being paralyzed due to the vaccine. And then I die in the snow. It’s always snow and always peaceful. I feel embarrassed about it. I mean, I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be scared of vaccines. I don’t think I would have had it in me to continue advocating for other people to get vaccinated, regardless of how rare what happened to me is. Like emotionally I don’t think I could do that. The best I can do is to tell people “what happened to me is extremely rare. It probably will not happen to you. But think about it, talk to your doctor, and decide for yourself.”

I used to love science and I feel like this isn’t me. I was excited about mRNA tech (I viewed it like sci fi magic) and really wanted to take the Covid vaccine. I feel like I’m not allowed to love science anymore or look towards it for hope. At least that’s what a lot of people told me.

Right now I’m stuck in this loop of self judgment, desire, fear. It keeps on tormenting me, keeping me up at nights. Self-Judgment says: An anti vaxer who loves science is an oxymoron. You should not have the right to say no while claiming to love science. Get over yourself and get all of them done. Or go and start selling essential oils with those crazy people. You are a biohazard. You are disgusting. You are impure. You betrayed your values and turned into your mom. What’s next? You will selectively believe in the theory of evolution?

Then desire goes: Common this isn’t you. You love progress. You love technology. If you get all of them done, the loop will finally stop. You will have closure. You’ll finally have peace. It will be beautiful. You will finally be pure. It will feel good.

And then the fear goes: Last time you tried this, you almost killed yourself. Don’t you dare. Vaccines are dangerous. Run. Run for the hills. They are like Russian Roullete. You might be ok or it could all end in another disaster. And the odds for you are unknown and probably different for each one. Only this time, you might be out of chances. Who knows? No one does. No one knows anything. You know if it happens again you wouldn’t forgive yourself. Only do it if there is no other choice and you will otherwise die. Otherwise stay the hell away. Do you want to scream in pain again while your doc shrugs and says it’s normal? No. You don’t. So don’t do it.

I now feel like I’m being anti science. And like I became the person that I used to hate. I now just can’t look at them as routine no matter how hard I try. I feel like this isn’t me. When I read studies about vaccines or new clinical trials, I feel either fear, dread, anger, or guilt. And I hate this. I hate it so much. It keeps me awake at night. I feel dirty, impure, like I’m a biohazard. Like I’m turning into my mom. Like I don’t have the right to learn anything math/stats/science related until I get all of them done. Like I should call my doc, apologize for saying no to the booster, and get all of them done.

I remember I got harassed by the school nurse growing up. And parents of other kids said they didn’t want kids who were unvaccinated around their kids. They didn’t know I didn’t had all my vaccines done. But if they did, I know they wouldn’t want me around. This was way before Covid. It made me feel like what did the nurse want me to do? She did this for years. Like I even tried to go behind my parents’ back when I was 18 but the doc said she felt uncomfortable to do it without my parents’ consent.

My mom was also overbearing in other ways. And she also had other weird beliefs like she believed in curses and she is a creationist. And I wanted to be nothing like her and I decided that I wanted to follow the science on everything. At that point, I decided I would solve this problem later when I had my own money and more freedom. So I didn’t feel dirty or impure because I thought I would solve it as soon as possible and hence I would retroactively be cleaned. And so I felt like I belonged with the pro vax side despite not having all of the vaccines done because I agreed with them and had a plan and so I made fun of people who were scared of vaccines. Also times when I tried to show some nuance or some sympathy for them, my pro vax friends made it clear I was in the wrong so I doubled down on the jokes. Even though I was a hypocrite and had 0 right to make those jokes. And when the point came that I had my own money, it was Covid and so I decided to start with the Covid one and then get all of the other ones done that I had missing (my mom did gave her agreement to the Covid vaccine due to the pandemic and also how highly I spoke of the vaccine before getting it done). Mostly to shove it in my mom’s face that she was wrong and I was right. And then everything went wrong. And now I feel like I can never be pure or clean or civilized or not a biohazard. My friends also made fun of me. And I also feel like because I don’t have all of them done, I’m more likely to get sick. And hence my body and my blood is impure due to me more likely to carry some disease which would make me disgusting/dirty/uncivilized.

I feel like I turned into my mom. I am the person that I used to hate. I wanted to follow the science on everything. And now I feel too scared to do so when it comes to vaccines.

I understand it is a small price to pay for progress after all and science had done a lot of good for me. But I just don’t seem to be able to do that. I just don’t seem to be able to accept myself as collateral damage even though I understand someone had to be.

I just had a conversation with someone about moving to the US and how I now can’t anymore due to you know immunization requirements that I now feel too scared to follow. And yeah… feel so sad. And guilty. And that person probably thinks of me as crazy. I now can’t see vaccines as risk free no matter how hard I try. I now feel scared of them on a deep level. And I don’t think I can psychologically survive someone forcing me to take them. Even though I understand the other ones are probably safe for me. I feel way too darn scared.

I just wanted to share my experiences really. I guess I’m now reluctantly part of the club.