feeling like a npc in my life
I (24M) am currently doing my master's degree, but for the past three years I've felt like I'm just existing instead of living.
I don't feel hope, ambition, excitement, love, happiness, or even sadness the way I think I should. It's like I'm trapped in a prison inside my own mind. Every day feels the same, and it's as if I'm an NPC just going through the motions.
I thought maybe traveling would change something, but it didn't. Last year I moved to my dream country and got into my dream university. I thought that would finally make me happy, but I still feel nothing. It scares me because I achieved something I had wanted for years, yet I couldn't even enjoy it.
The only time I've genuinely felt happy in the last three years was for one night when I got drunk for the first and only time. I drank alcohol all night, and for those few hours I actually felt happy. I never drank again because I'm afraid I'd become addicted if I relied on alcohol just to feel something.
I've also never been in a relationship. Even having normal conversations feels difficult because I observe people too much. I'm constantly watching how they talk, react, and behave instead of naturally joining the conversation. My mind always feels foggy, like I'm stuck in a trance, and I honestly don't know what's happening to me.
I love my family very much, but when they came to visit me after nine months apart, I barely felt anything emotionally. That made me feel guilty because I know I should have been happy to see them.
When I was a child, my father passed away. I feel like a part of me died with him. After that, I watched my mother go through so many difficult situations that I slowly lost my trust in people and in society. Maybe all of that changed me in ways I still don't understand, but I honestly don't know.
People tell me I'm kind and compliment me, but I never believe them. It feels like they're talking about someone else.
Sorry if this post is messy. My thoughts are all over the place, and honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
And if anyone has been through something similar, how did you start feeling alive again? I'd really appreciate any advice.