u/Ok-Performer5508

Trigger Warning

My best friend is currently to dealing with CPS in Minnesota regarding child welfare after a big fight with her abusive boyfriend. He posted pics on Facebook showing scratch marks which were defensive wounds from my friend getting physically abused one night. A week later, he gets arrested for a DWI and CPS showed up the day after he was released. I know who called it in, he has her convinced it’s regarding his safety but I’ve tried explaining it to her without letting her know I was involved. She initially said CPS barred her bf from coming to the house or she could get in trouble for child endangerment (she has 3 kids from a previous marriage and an eleven month old with new bf). She said they had a plan to change the locks (never happened) and were going to get a no contact order but that also has not happened.

I’m an RN and told her I was a mandated reported and I would not risk losing my license over him. After this, the story changed and he was allowed to watch the baby as long as CPS knew the times before hand and now it’s changed to “they don’t care as long as he’s sober (bad alcoholic). I don’t know how truthful she’s being about any of it and she told me she’s been honest with him but made a weird comment the other night about how she’s “still protecting him and for what”. I have since moved in to help her with the baby and bills since he moved to a month to month hotel but she’s still staying the night with him and I’m concerned about her and that baby (ex husband threatened full custody if he were to come back home).

She had told me about an incident regarding her bf spanking their then 7 month old hard enough he bruised her bottom for simply “peeing too much in her diaper and getting her clothes wet”. He’s also attempted to restrict the babies food intake because he has a history with anorexia but he’s rarely with the baby alone and hasn’t had much say in her diet as far as I know and their daughter is definitely well fed.

At this point, I’m wondering if I can and should contact her specific case worker directly and ask about the bf restrictions to her property and inform them of the information I received. She said they already know about everything and she thinks the baby is safe as long as he’s sober but it’s obvious it was never about the alcohol at this point but I think she may still be trying to protect him. I can’t imagine a world where CPS would allow him to be around the kids and especially the baby. She apparently has a picture on her phone. What should I do in this situation?

Eating disorders, child a*use,

I’ve known my best friend for 9 years and we’ve been each others rock through it all. I’ll call her Veronica for now. We both have children that we raised together and I even lived with her for years when she was married so our children were almost raised as siblings for a bit in the early years. We both were in terrible relationships and both left our significant others within the same year. I found an amazing man whom I’ve been with for 6 years now and she ended up with a man we will call Zack. The first couple times I met him, he was beyond intoxicated but he seemed nice and was very different than her ex husband. I realized quickly that they both had problems with alcohol which worried me because of Veronica’s extensive family history of severe alcoholism. During all this, he still seemed very nice but I had obvious concerns. She ended up pregnant a year into their relationship and things took a sharp turn. She confided in me that he had been having secret affairs with various men and women and had found out he was cheating on her while giving birth to his one and only child. He also had began getting physical with her and she’s never been one to take something laying down so they would physically fight. I’m unsure if the children ever heard or saw something as they seemed to really like Zack. During a camping trip before all that happened, I saw him interacting with the children and he seemed so attentive and patient, I was honestly impressed. All that respect had gone out the window after hearing that. They’d fight every other week, him hitting her, her hitting him back, him cheating and blaming it on her and then he’d shower her with gifts and affection and all this attention and she always went back. Some things I later noticed/discovered:

-he’d always make her FaceTime, even at work for hours at a time
-limiting our interactions by insisting on being there or insisting they always stay together so he can “protect her”
-talking down to her in front of ppl but would do it in a way that sounded almost playful
-accusing her of cheating and started restricting the types of clothes she wore in public all the while this man had well over 30 affairs and admitted to my husband about having secret snap chats
-he had 2 previous DV charges, one involving strangulation
-he has an E.D. And had been trying to restrict his babies intake because he thought she was getting “too fat”
-she had to put her dog down a month ago and he said “this is all your fault, you gave up on him, you killed him” all in front of her already distraught children from losing their beloved family pet (he was a 16 year old border collie with metastatic cancer)

A lot of the times they would separate and a few times she had talked to some men platonically during these separation periods and he would try to gaslight her into thinking they were now “even” or how she was a disgusting “whore”. He constantly told her she wouldn’t find anyone else and her self esteem was wrecked. He ended up getting sober and I was somewhat optimistic because I had assumed it was the alcohol since he seemed okay sober but I was wrong, very wrong. Like I said, our sons were best friends and her kids would stay with me a lot (mine weren’t allowed over there if Zack was drinking) but he had finally sobered up and I let him stay over. I got a call from my son, crying, because he heard them fighting and had heard him hitting her. We rushed over there and grabbed him. He had relapsed two weeks prior and we were unaware. I was livid. This was the final straw. Not only was my child traumatized by that, but her children were as well. Her children ended up missing school because they were up until 5 am dealing with the fighting and unable to rest. I went over the next day to make sure she was alright and she showed me a picture of their babies bottom with bruises and told me he hit her for peeing too much and making her clothes wet. I’m an RN and a mandated reporter so I called a welfare check right after I left and got into contact with cps. After this big fight, he had posted on social media the pics of his arms from Veronica scratching him as she was trying to defend herself and claimed she was abusing him. Cops came, cps came and he had her convinced it’s because they are worried for Zacks safety. During this two day window, he got arrested for a DWI that she called him in for and was found in his vehicle, no pants in their vehicle with a man. I thought, “thank god, now she can finally break free from him”. He moved out after his parent paid his 14,000 bail into a hotel and hasn’t been welcome back since. My family and I are in the process of building a home and had a couple months left before we could move in so we decided to temporarily stay with her to help her out with the kids and bills and make sure she isn’t lonely and I honestly wanted to just be there for her. She says she’s leaving him, and it’s been a few weeks since he’s been gone but she still will go see him and stays the night with him 2-3 days out of the week when her other kids are with their father (her ex husband threatened full custody if Zack came around the kids again). Her oldest son (14) has been very upset with his mom and especially not fucking with Zack anymore and Zack had the audacity to be upset at her son for not forgiving him. She says he’s better now that he’s sober but then will tell me how he’s calling her names if he doesn’t get his way, will come to her work and harass her for PDA before agreeing to leave, took the diapers they had because “he bought them”, he’s now trying to convince her there’s a conspiracy against him. I continue to remind her he’s sober and talking and doing those things (court ordered to stay sober and has intoxalock) He lacks accountability and is a the most manipulative narcissist I’ve ever encountered. Veronica told me after the first CPS visit that Zack wasn’t allowed back into the house because she could get in trouble for child endangerment but has since told me that they dont care if he’s in the house and that they just need to know when he’s watching her and that switch up seemed off to me. I’m not sure how true this is because I had reminded her my mandated reporter status after the first visit and told her I would not put my license on the line for her boyfriend, so part of me wonders if she changed the narrative so I don’t report him. She doesn’t know my part in the CPS case and I feel bad for putting her through all this excuse she truly is an amazing mom but I had to. He gives off the type of energy that I’m worried he might hurt the baby and himself, kind of like “if I can’t have you, you can’t have our daughter” type shit. I’m at a loss at this point, I feel like I’ve exhausted all efforts and I sound like a broken record. Her family and everyone around her is very supportive and doesn’t want her in this relationship any more. I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I made it very clear if she chooses this man over her own kids, I’d have to wash my hands and walk away from our friendship which would killll me. My family lives 10 hours away so she is all I have here besides my own little family. Is there anything else I can do? She has a path away from him but still runs back to him (she still is insisting they aren’t getting back together but I don’t see why she’s even entertaining it at this point). Can I call cps again and talk to her case worker about anything because I don’t know how honest she’s being with them or would that be some sort of confidential thing? I thought maybe reaching out to her specific case worker and asking about him being here and stuff may work but I’m unsure if that even allowed. I’ve never personally experienced any sort of abuse like this so any advice or insight would be appreciated and if you made it this long, thank you for taking the time out of your day to hear me out.

P.S. I had to leave some stuff out because if I didn’t the post would be enormous and it’s already so damn big.