u/Ok-Pressure4597

is it real for anybody else? i don't really pray, and sometimes feel like i can't pray in a normal fashion (i have tried plenty of rosaries to no effect), but when i turn my intellect to the contemplation of the divine - (what it is, or what it would be, or what it could be, i'm not sure) i feel utterly crushed, or transformed, or thrown out of my body, or something (obviously very hard to put into words) by the infinite - by the infinite significance of the promise of unconditional love and forgiveness. i can only describe the experiences i've had as ecstatic, and they have engendered a metamorphosis of the spirit.

i sometimes wonder if it's not the schizophrenia genes from a few generations back in my family resurfacing. maybe if i were born in the 16th century i would have been locked in a monastery somewhere. those things scare me.

and of course, there's having to reconcile this with an 'intrinsically disordered' sexuality - and im just tired of thinking about that at this point. there's a gay influencer and onlyfans creator in LA who claims to be a devout catholic and prays to an altar of the holy virgin in his room that she might send him a grindr hookup with good dick - ludicrous but i feel close to him in an equally ludicrous way. is 'queering religion' the move?

m late 20s (actual real-life homosexual, not mpmd homosexual), natty and not thinking of hopping on anything

- i've been in the gym for a few years but unfortunately straight-up wasted a good chunk of that time by not realizing what putting real effort into lifts feels like (not understanding that i have to experience actual pain and discomfort) and thinking that protein/macros would just sort themselves out. i made some progress and achieved a few goals that im happy with over that period (most proud of 0 to 15 strict pullups), but it's so discouraging thinking of all the time i sunk into lifting without payoff in the most basic of milestones.

the only thing i can really think to say to myself is so be it - at least i know what i did wrong and learned something real. of course mistakes are inevitable though i really screwed up. i've made progress in bounds over the past few months after realizing i need to actually put work in, which is great, i just get so down on myself when i think that i could have done this years ago. it's almost like mourning the results i could have already had, something like that.

that brings us to the present. ive put on a lot of weight since i fixed my diet, added 30 pounds to my bench, and in some respects i feel better than ever. i feel great in tight shirts, i rly rly like how my chest/shoulders look, have gotten some compliments from strangers, that sort of thing. unfortunately, however, a lot of it is fat. i wouldn't want to delude myself about that and it shows way more than it should in my stomach but at this point i can't bear the thought of dropping 20 pounds again and erasing the best results i've gotten in years, so i still feel mentally stuck and somehow just as down on myself than i was before.

all this to say that i'm not sure how to keep going with all this (lifting, dieting, etc.) without being perpetually dissatisfied and perpetually down on myself no matter what. it feels like it shouldn't have to be this way. striving to better yourself is a good and powerful motivator. complacency is bad and most of us are too complacent. but i'm tired of so much energy being drawn from a place of neurotic and negative self-feeling. i suspect the solution is to focus on the wins but it's hard to do that when they're outnumbered by years of failures and the road ahead feels essentially unending.

im open to any advice but would most appreciate anything - literally anything - on breaking out of these kinds of negative thoughts. seasoned (straight???) gymcels please help this homosexual