I want to post, but my account is new. I know the solution is to comment, but I have nothing to say, at least not anything that will get me upvoted. Are there any places for boring people like me?
Hello, and sorry for my bad English.
I'm a closeted 18yo FtM (well I don't really know anymore, but the thought of not writing M terrifies me) [My family is extremely religious and transphobic+Will never be allowed to move out+Extremely anti LGBT country]
Things have been really miserable lately. I've been doubting myself a lot on whether I'm actually a guy or trying to avoid sexism/other society stuff. Every time I doubt myself, my life feels so pointless and I just want it to end, but whenever the doubts disappear, I feel really happy and relieved.
I kinda knew I was a guy since I was 6, I was wearing masculine clothes and was so happy I looked like a boy I kept passing by the mirror. During my entire childhood I always believed that one day, I will wake up and have a different body.
Ever since I hit puberty, things became miserable. I think I trust myself enough to confirm it was dysphoria, because I was so desperate, tried shaving my "facial hair", thinking about chopping my chest, actively trying to change my voice, doing "self-made" exercises to make my hands bigger, not make my legs larger. I developed lots of unhealthy obsessions like only sleeping as a straight line so I don't get curves, having a ritual to call myself every male pronoun I know, and having paranoia of accidently saying a famale one, then starting from the beginning. Got worse and had to do this same thing eveytime I encounter a female related thing (This temporately stopped when I created a male account online. Had to delete it because I was caught.) I still deal with some of these, unfortunately...
My only escape was and still is a fantasy world where I can daydream about being a guy, or literally pretending to live in another world while just autopiloting the real world (takes lots or effort)
I only started to doubt myself when I read a book called "Patterns of Life" By an Austrian psychologist. It claims that depending on your life circumstances, you subconsciously tell your brain to do things to get things you want. So I, a very paranoid person, got very paranoid that my dysphoria, all the times I felt happy, all the experiences I thought were an evidence that I am a real man, were just stuff my mind fabricated becuase... why? I don't know, the only thing I could think of is because of sexism and internalized misogyny, and being pushed to be female by everyone. But I was never treated badly. My parents sure didn't like that I wasn't acting like how I'm supposed to, and kept pushing me into female spaces, but I would just stop interacting with their world. I get the most euphoria when I'm alone and see my shadow being read as male (stupid), and seeing my arm have more muscles (stupid)... I only start doubting myself when I go to the outside world "what if I'm just a tomboy? what if the book is correct? what if if people treated me differently, I would be different? will I still be trans if I lose my memory today? what am I trying to escape from?" I don't want any of these to be true.
I do admit I feel disgusted by anything feminine, (and developed and idea of I hate it = bad) but I know others are not, and I feel happy that others enjoy it (at least I want to), but I will always use any opportunity to torture myself like "haha you were happy you must be a female because that made you happy" then my brain goes into conflict trying to disagree... The thing is I WANT to be a man, I would press that button any day of the week, and if I got told I was a second late to press it, I will be so miserable I just want to rot. Evey time I encounter a feminine thing, I just want to be "Cool, good for you, JUST KEEP ME OUT OF THIS" Witbout conflict, but I don't trust myself enough. I don't want to be sexist. I'm terrifed that I'm not man, because I desperately want to be one, yet I keep torturing myself. And it's kinda exhausting to just keep imagining all the good stuff while not experienceing any of it.
Sorry it got really messy, I suck at writing.