i'm 24 and have only moved twice, both times within a 30 mi radius of where i grew up. i do want to move outside of my home state eventually, but reflecting on my second move, it has resulted in my mental state absolutely plummeting (for a variety of reasons). just curious what others experiences have been
i see why white people love this school, i just know that i could not exist in this environment without experiencing significant racism. sorry to be that person but...that's all. have fun everyone
just over a year ago my depression was being managed very well on effexor (sorry i know, snri not ssri). i was on it for two years and it was like i was finally myself again, i didn't know i could experience that kind of joy in life after becoming so depressed in college. the only thing was that it made me sleep an insane amount so i needed to find a different medication or risk not being able to work full time.
basically i went off any medication for about two months, then couldn't get out of bed so was prescribed meds again. cymbalta, zoloft, pristiq ... but none of my depressive symptoms were really alleviated other than being able to function at a minimal level. i have experienced passive suicidal ideation for about a year now. i'm not sure what changed in my brain but no medication seems to work, i seem to have developed treatment resistant depression. i went back on effexor, it has been just over two months now and i don't feel any different. before it had basically lifted all my problems away, and now i don't even get the side effects i used to from it. i feel this is the worst my mental health has ever been, i don't know what to do.
around the time my mental health declined was when i started grad school and moved 40 min away to a local city. i don't feel like i belong at this school or city but it was the best financial option for me as they gave me funding. if this is the life circumstance that made my brain so depressed i feel a bit ridiculous, as obviously it is a good thing to be getting more education and getting on my feet.
i just don't know what happened to my brain, does anyone have any similar experiences or thoughts?
warning -- this is a messy info dump. i apologize for my poor writing skills, and please feel free to pick through at your discretion. i am also happy to provide any clarifications.
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i currently live in a rust belt city, one which i won't name because there is an incessant hater that lurks in this sub lol. my needs are a lively, vibrant city that has as little racism as possible.
currently, i am interested in the northeast corridor cities and chicago. i do think though that if i were to live in a high col city it might as well be new york (imo it's the prettiest city in the states), so i might take dc and boston off my list, leaving nyc, philly and chicago.
aside from my rust belt city i've lived in one of its affluent suburbs as well as a liberal college town. i loved the college town the most and may eventually move back there, but all these places are within an hour radius (driving) of each other and i'd like to experience something new while i'm still young and able bodied (i am 24).
while i appreciate my current city, my intent before moving was to go to nyc for grad school, so i view it as a stepping stone of sorts (chose the local school for financial reasons). it's been about 10mo here so far and i've had some of the worst and most persistent depression since moving. and i'm not sure whether or how much i should attribute it to this city. i've lived my whole life in the area so it's not like it's an unfamiliar place and a few hometown friends are within driving distance to visit. i have great respect for its people and there are actually super cool spots but it's just so unwalkable, i'm convinced it's giving me adult-onset asthma (along with the summer wildfire smoke, i used to work outdoors), there is a lack of trees, and despite having grown up in the area i have had many people assume i'm not from here (not just the city specifically, but from anywhere remotely nearby). and while i'm very used to this kind of prejudice based on how i look, i'd like to not experience it for once.
for clarify's sake i'm southeast asian and queer. i feel confident seeking out queer spaces as needed in the cities i listed above, and also probably have a lot of privilege in the sense that how i authentically present myself is also more hetero-presenting. however racial macro- and microaggressions have had a significant impact on my life and mental health, so finding a place where that is more manageable would be ideal. i will already be actively seeking out spaces i feel welcome, but the wish is to not have to. where can i exist freely is the question. i know philly has a se asian community, but it doesn't seem to have a super "vibrant" energy, at least from what i've heard and read. it's my goal to visit all the cities on my list in the reasonably near future for the purpose of figuring out where might feel like home (of the listed i've only been to chicago).
nyc and chicago do have east asian people which for most of my life has been close enough but i really need a se asian community. most of my family members are refugees of war and i need to be in an area that understands that that even is a thing. i've thought about st paul as a potential place to find this, but i don't think it has the energy i need after my current city.
i am hesitant about chicago mostly only because it's so close to me, culturally and geographically. it could potentially be a landing spot but i want to experience something outside the great lakes region for once. it also doesn't seem to have as much green space as i'd like? i might be wrong, i am going to go back to visit some neighborhoods. just where i am now between the lack of trees and poor air quality, i feel like i can't breathe and i don't feel at peace or truly restful in my own home. the birds also chirp at 3am which is really strange...it just feels like nature is misaligned here, the trees don't feel healthy
i am hesitant about nyc because of the cost of course, and its reputation. its reputation makes it seem more intimidating than it probably actually is. i would probably love it but get priced out after a few years and have to consider elsewhere as a longer term option.
i am not interested in going to other east or southeast asian places like california and texas (so very not urbanist) or hawaii (should be a sovereign kingdom). focusing on east and southeast asian specifically because my area has a lot of south and west asian people and lacks the others. also do not want to be in a place that's just white and asian. i have always been around other bipoc, just not people that look like me, and i am not really willing to let that go.
i'm also hesitant about moving in general because my mental health is in such a shaky place right now. i'm not sure what would be the better move in terms of improving my life and taking care of myself in general. i like to know people deeply and over many years (i see this as being more compatible with staying rooted in an area). also, with this mindset that i want to leave my current city, i've not made much effort to meet new people, and so have made basically zero new friends. i'm worried that moving would drive me into a deeper depression. i see the value in remaining where i am for various reasons -- because my family has a history of traumatic displacement and needs to recover (which will take generations), i have a relationship with the land here, and i don't want to contribute to gentrification (i know this is less individual and more out of my hands but still, i don't want to insert myself into a community and harm others even if slightly). i am already kind of being a gentrifier in my current city and just...would prefer not to do it rampantly.
the ecology, architecture (victorian, gothic and adjacent type, not colonial), walkability, public transit, energy, nightlife, culture, art, activism, political leaning, diversity of cities mentioned is what draws me to them. i love to see people out and about and can't stand not seeing human faces outside, just empty sidewalks and cars. i romanticize the idea of a gotham city and do love the sound of sirens and trains in the distance at night. i don't like the sound smell or sight of freeways (i live too too close to one). i like to be able to walk home from a night out. i love the forests in the eastern us (pnw has been suggested to me before but it's just not the same), i love summer storms and real seasons which mirror the cyclical nature of life. winter is supposed to be cold. i am from the upper midwest but don't think "midwest nice" is really a thing. in my natural state i am straightforward and blunt - i don't get along with people who lie for perceived politeness. i also want to say i'm not elitist or feel superior to other people, and have been called humble. i'd prefer not to be around extremely rich or out of touch people, but they probably all move to the fun cities.
i really am not in a place to simply choose where i live given the job market etc but i still think this thought exercise, as well as your collective expertise, is valuable. dreaming of a better future helps to get through the present.
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thoughts? does the city for me even exist? no hate comments please